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Hi, my name is Toni
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 | MINI SERIES - Forever Yours, Leo |
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 4.5 with 8 vote(s)
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| Created: 2009-01-31 11:12:01 |
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A/N: Prequel to 'Whispers of the Dead.'
Enjoy.
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[00]
“When I hear your name, it's not the same/No matter what they say, I'm not okay.” Zero, Hawk Nelson
The coffin is unfittingly dull, Kai muses. Mahogany. Dark. Dull. So unfitting. He wasn’t like that. He was lively. Bright. Happy. On his highs anyway. Even on his lows, he was somewhat beautiful. His pain manifested in such a way was painfully beautiful, darkly stunning.
The coffin was unjust to the life he led. He had been loved. Adored. Respected. Now he is missed. Mourned. The unsightly hole for which he is to be lowered into for the rest of eternity is surrounded by family and friends and students. He was loved. Why couldn’t he see that?
He was admired by most.
He was more beautiful than all.
He was everything.
But that’s the problem of making someone your ‘everything’ isn’t it? They are the ones to leave you nothing except an empty cavern where a heart should be beating. Fluttering. Singing.
Now there’s nothing there. Silence. Like him. There’s nothing left of him either. Just silence from within the mahogany. It echoes and it haunts. The ghost of happier yesterdays hovers and lingers. He can’t stand it, the stench of forgotten slow evenings. Of forgotten shared smiles. Of forgotten soft kisses. Forgotten by him, and yet still agonising alive in Kai’s mind. Blooming into torturous thoughts, they are. Plaguing. Taunting. Familiar. Tainted by death.
The vicar is talking. Saying his bit. But he didn’t know him. He didn’t see the smiles. He didn’t feel the touches. He didn’t hear the words. He didn’t soothe the pain. He didn’t kiss the tears away.
He did nothing. He has no right to speak of what he can only guess at. At what he can only begin to fully understand.
He was so much more than the feeble words the vicar can concoct. He was light, he was dark. He was love and lxst and passion. He was romance and care and gentleness. He was pain and black and beautiful. He was energy and magic. He was the very personification of a multitude of emotions and virtues.
That’s what he was: virtuous. Pure. Honest. Stunning. He was all that was good. And now all that was good has abandoned him. As life abandoned him. As sanity abandoned him.
Now there are tears, mingling with the memories. Hot. Searing. Painful. They sever and score and mark. In the reflection of tears, he can see the face he knew and loved. In the shadow of his memories, he touched that face he knew and loved. He kissed it. He drew smiles from it.
But now that face was motionless. Tranquil in death.
There will be no more smiles, no more words or kisses or touches. There will be no more tears. No more pain. No more confliction.
There will be no more Leo full stop.
No more life and no more love.
And Kai is left wondering how long he will survive.
[01]
“And I think how many years/Have I felt my days with tears?/But I can't hide, so I just smile so things seem right..” Fake a Smile Hide the Tears, Beyond All Reason
The essays in front of him refused to diminish. In fact, Leo swore it was increasing instead of getting smaller like it should. And he was growing a little bored, sitting on the sofa with a bundle of sixty or so essays in front of him, each one evaluating Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. Not that he didn’t love Romeo and Juliet, he did –– Leo was a massive literature geek. It’s just that the first thirty papers had been written by his lowest set and they had a knack for butchering perfectly good literature simply because they didn’t like it.
He sat back into the cushions of the chair, pulling off his glasses and rubbing his eyes tiredly. A quick glance to the clock informed him that Kai should be getting home soon from a meeting with his publishers any time now. Kai was a graphic novelist under the pseudonym Alex Michaels. It was a mix of his mothers’ name – Alexandria – and his fathers’ name – Michael.
He sighed, knowing that when the other man did turn up, he would have to then cook dinner, as Kai was completely hopeless in the kitchen. Leo had often wondered how Kai had survived before they had met.
His hand sought out his cup of tea, pressing the rim to his lips before pulling a face when he realised it was freezing. He made a disgusted noise and dropped the mug back onto the tabletop and instead returned to the essay he had only half marked. The dull monotony threatened to let his mind wander to dangerous places and he struggled to keep a grip.
It was always there, always lingering waiting for a crack or a weakness in order to ooze through. And no matter how much Leo tried to fight it off it would always consume him, like a flame drowning in the depths of the ocean, he would be swept out, carried by the current. It would come. It always came. Harbouring uneasiness. Intent to destroy. He could feel it. Writhing. Poisoning. Tainting.
“Leo?” Leo jumped harshly as the familiar, rough voice broke through his thoughts. His eyes shot up and he was overcome by an intense relief. When Kai was near him, when he wasn’t alone, he could fight a little harder to keep the darkness at bay.
Kai made a short noise of surprise as Leo practically threw himself at the taller man, his arms around his waist and hugging him tightly. Kai frowned slightly in bemusement, but didn’t question the other man as he reciprocated the embrace.
“Hello to you to,” he laughed quietly, kissing Leo’s dyed hair before pulling back slightly. The beast in the back of Leo’s mind eased off a little, allowing him space to breathe and to think freely. “You do realise you will have to let go of me at some point in the near future, yes?”
Leo nodded into the other mans’ neck. “I’m fully aware, thank you. But just a little longer.” There was a quiet desperation in his words and Kai recognised it immediately. He knew everything about Leo. He recognised every quirk. He knew where this was going to end up, and he knew it would happen some time soon. So he let Leo cling to him for support, and stayed silent until Leo felt ready to pull away.
When he did his cheeks were flushed red. Kai brushed it aside, instead changing the subject, knowing that if Leo wanted to talk, he would’ve by now. “You don’t have your contacts in,” he observed, noticing that Leo’s usual artificial icy blue was missing. Instead he had one soft brown eye and one navy blue.
Leo nodded, smiling thankfully. “Yeah, I took them out when I got back from school. I need to pick up some more.”
“I’ll do it for you tomorrow. I have to see the publishers again. They want me to start something new, something a bit different and widen my horizons.” Kai walked towards the kitchen. “Want another cup of tea?”
Leo glanced at his half empty cup of cold tea and smiled gratefully. “Please.”
“So,” Kai called from the kitchen over the sound of pouring water. “How was your day?” Leo pulled a face Kai couldn’t see.
“I was stuck in a class with a bunch of rowdy fifteen and sixteen year olds and trying to convince them that Shakespeare is not a waste of time, how do you think?” He replied with no real spite. They both knew that Leo loved his job immensely. The kids were good enough and showed him a certain amount of respect, mostly because he was young and slightly eccentric looking. He also thought it might have been because he showed his students respect, unlike most other teachers.
“You chose to do it.” Leo smiled, walking into the kitchen, completely abandoning the marking he knew he really should be getting on with.
“I know,” he said, sliding onto the counter behind Kai as the latter poured the boiling water into two cups. “That reminds me, one of my students, Ben, was reading Satan’s Spawn. I told him I knew the artist and he was amazed. He asked if I could get an autograph. You’re becoming quite popular, Alex.”
Kai chuckled graciously. “Is he a good student?” He glanced around in time to see Leo’s nod. “Then he can get one. But seriously, Satan’s Spawn? That was my first ever piece of work.” Kai shook off the thought. He moved across the kitchen and kissed Leo briefly on the lips. “You look tired. How about we get a take away and have an early night?”
Leo shrugged. “I have marking to do…” But his protest was weak.
“Do it later,” Kai commanded softly, before asking just what take away Leo fancied that evening. The evening was slow, comfortable. It was spent eating Chinese food and curling up on the sofa to watch a film, before they both slipped into bed. Leo rested his head on Kai’s gently moving chest; the shallow breathes a clear sign that he was asleep.
And Leo swallowed. He was alone again. And the darkness was coming. Swarming. Consuming. The battle was lost.
[02]
“Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over/and it seems as though the writings on the wall.” Rise and Fall, Craig David Featuring Sting.
Yet another evening alone. School had been chaos, but Leo had managed to disguise the impending danger, as he usually did. He was still trying to complete the marking that was now a few days old, but his eyes kept glancing at the clock. He didn’t know how much longer he could keep this up. He was slipping. Loosing. His thoughts were jumping. Scattered. Complex. Yet so simple. Coherence was failing him.
And the silence was deafening.
He hated feeling so weak. He hated being so weak. He hated himself. He was such a dumb fxck. How hard could it be to stave off the darkness?
The self-loathing.
Here it came in waves. Consuming. Drowning. And Kai wasn’t there to help him. He was with his publishers and would be probably arguing with them until late.
Leo was alone. Worse than that, Leo was alone and falling. Hard. He paused in his work. Work that seemed so pointless now. What was the point?
The self-doubt.
Was he really good enough? Was he good enough for his students? Was he good enough for Kai? Kai didn’t need this. The fleeting ups. The ever frequent and lasting downs. The inconsistency. Kai was better than this. Deserved better than this. Deserved better than him.
Leo was broken. Trapped. And Kai had better things to do with his time then constantly fixing him.
The fear.
Would Kai leave him? Kai didn’t deserve such broken trouble. But at the same time, Leo couldn’t let him go. God, he was so selfish.
The rational part of him was whispering below the louder taunts. Small little mutterings of reason. They told him Kai loved him. Kai would never leave. This was all in his head. They reminded him of the pills in the cabinet. Little white pills of momentary sanity. Little bitter pills. Pills…
He snuffed the thought. Not that. Not yet. He wasn’t bad enough to fully contemplate that.
The guilt.
How dare he think of it? How dare he even think of such a think? What about Kai? Was he that fxcking weak? That selfish? That pathetic?
He stood shakily. The pills. He was reminded. The pills. They would help. Short term bliss. Short term freedom. Why had he stopped taking them? His hand on his head. It was pounding. Roaring.
Shut up.
Shut up!
The bathroom was cool. Quiet. His fingers pulled the cabinet’s open, and closed around the small pot. White. Smooth. Concealing little pills of freedom. Capsuled sanity.
The saner part of him, the whispering voice, felt a little sickened. He didn’t want to take pills. He didn’t want to be crazy. Or broken. Or troublesome. He didn’t want any of this. He wanted to be normal. Average. Nothing out of the ordinary. He didn’t want to make this sort of impact on the person. He didn’t want Kai to worry.
God, he was a horrible person.
He leant against the sink, his back to the open cabinet, two pills in his hand. From where he stood, he heard the front door open and close. There was a muffled yell of greeting which he answered just barely.
“Leo? Are you okay?” his words were drenched in concern. It just about killed Leo. As if he didn’t feel guilty enough. Dry swallowing the pills, Leo nodded.
“Yes,” he called out weakly. Lying. Deceiving. As if the guilt couldn’t get any worse.
It had been days. The pills weren’t working. They failed. Leo’s mood hadn’t improved. Instead he was falling faster. Harder. Quicker than ever before. Not even Kai was helping. He wasn’t staving off the demons with his words. His actions. His touches. Nothing was working.
Usually Kai could make him smile. Momentary bliss in the arms of another. Fleeting catharsis at the sound of another. But it wasn’t working. Sweet, tender remedies were failing him. Quiet moments of quiet weren’t soothing.
His mind was racing. Pounding. Screaming. His thoughts were jerky. Harsh. Cruel. They weren’t smooth. Not any more. They are fractured. Fragmented. Incoherent. And Leo was splintering. Breaking. No, he was splintered already. Broken already. But now he was past rescue. Past fixing. Past mending.
The voices wouldn’t quiet their screaming.
The doubts wouldn’t cease their taunting.
The fears wouldn’t quit their jibes.
He was beyond help. He couldn’t take this anymore. He couldn’t handle it. It was too much. Too consuming. Too exhausting. To troublesome. He slid down the bathroom wall. His eyes fell closed. And soft tears escaped his eyes as he felt the flood gates open.
The demons devoured him.
[03]
“I’m falling apart/I’m barely breathing/with a broken heart/ that’s still beating.” Broken, Lifehouse
Slow. Methodical. Sweet catharsis. A part of him knew this was wrong. But it felt good. Better. It made him sane for short periods of time. Relief within the pain. Sanity within the crimson. Streams of liquid ruby. Of pitiful self-loathing. Healing within the wounds.
A short bladed knife. A small shiny knife. But sharp. Glinting with danger. Kai got annoyed by blunt knives. And it was one of his sharpened knifes that was drawing liberation across Leo’s pale wrist. Blossoms of blood unfurled from the gleaming stem of his arm. It was beautiful. Beautiful in its emptiness. In its horror. In its ugliness.
Tissues. Stained with red. Stained with life.
Leo frowned. It was good. But it wasn’t enough. His thoughts weren’t slowing. They were still whirring. Half-formed. Illogical. He stared at the mess of his arm. Smeared red. Sliced. Diced. Shredded. And all by his own trembling hand.
It’s not working, not like it used to. The realization was like a smack in the face. Nothing was working. No relief. No light. No saviour. He was on his own on this one. His chances of pulling through where horribly bleak in his eyes.
The agitation. Desperation. It had to work. He just wasn’t doing it right. It was him. Of course it was. He was always doing things wrong. Always. He just simply wasn’t doing it right.
The blade rose once again. The edge kissed skin. Dangerously caressing.
“Leo…” The hand tensed. The body tensed. The voice was soft, understanding, but Leo flinched like it had been a berating slap instead. The knife slipped through his fingers and clattered to the floor. Kai was moving then, giving Leo no time to disappear and hide inside himself like he usually did.
Instead he knelt in front of his lover, trying not to wince at the mutilated arm and the smeared blood. The wrist had already been severely scarred by previous episodes, but Kai had a suspicion that this had probably been one of Leo’s worst.
Leo opened his mouth to say something but Kai cut him off gently. “Don’t worry,” he soothed, his voice was calm and serene like the ocean. “Let’s get you cleaned up first.”
Leo snapped his mouth closed. Kai noticed the soft nervous tremors running through Leo’s body and held back a sigh. He knew this was coming. It wasn’t the first time he had had to sort Leo out after an episode, but Kai didn’t mind. Not really. He would repeat this a million times over. He would do anything and everything for Leo. Leo was his everything.
He took hold of Leo’s hand. “Follow me,” he ordered softly, rather like he was talking to a troubled child rather then a man. Leo didn’t say anything. Guilt was written all over his face. He nodded slowly. Kai smiled tenderly, leading the other man slowly towards the bathroom.
Once in the cool, dimly light room, Kai directed Leo to sit atop the toilet seat as Kai knelt in front of him once again. Fetching a particularly soft flannel, and dipping it in warm water, Kai proceeded to silently, caringly, wash the blood away from Leo’s arms. He was slow with his movements, as light as he could be to avoid hurting the other man anymore than he already was.
A part of him broke a little every time Leo done this, but he would never tell the other man these for fear it would destroy him completely. He ignored Leo’s wincing for the time being as he wiped away the ruby stains and revealed the long self-inflicted gashes. Sensing Leo’s disgust, Kai paused as he reached out for the medical kit, and gently kissed the other mans’ lightly shaking palm.
There was a quiet sob from above and Leo’s other hand immediately flew to his mouth in an attempt to stifle it, as Kai lovingly wrapped his wounds in bandages. It took a few minutes for the bandages to be secure, and when he was done, Kai sat back on his hunches, quietly observing Leo.
He still had one hand clamped over his mouth, his head hanging and eyes squeezed closed as tears streamed down his pale cheeks.
“Leo,” Kai said softly. “Leo, look at me.” Leo forced his head up, but it took a little longer for him to bring his eyes to met Kai’s. The understanding burning in the quiet brown was almost too much to bear. He didn’t deserve this. “Don’t cry. It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry…” Leo forced out brokenly, his voice quiet and hitching. “I’m so fxcking weak, I’m so fxcking stupid. I didn’t mean –– I don’t want to hurt you. Or worry you. I’m so sorry.”
Kai stood and pulled Leo with him, before cradling the smaller man to him, holding him as if he were the most precious thing in the world. Leo was crying quietly into his shoulder, his fingers fisting in Kai’s shirt as if afraid the other man would disappear, would step back and leave him truly alone.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Kai assured.
“But I –– you deserve so much more than I can give. I can’t…Kai, I’m not ––!” Kai interrupted his lover.
“Leo, you’re everything I have and ever will want,” he said, sternly but gently. “I love you. You are beautiful and perfect, and I would never want anyone else.” He felt Leo go to speak again, but Kai once again cut him off. “I love you Leo,” Kai said again. “I always have since I first saw you and I always will, no matter what happens.”
“I’m sorry,” Leo whispered weakly. Kai nodded softly, pulling back. Leo held onto him almost fearfully, before he realised the taller man was simply shifting position. Kai kissed Leo’s forehead tenderly, before moving his lips to his eyelids then his damp cheeks and finally placed a soft, lingering yet unobtrusive kiss on Leo’s lips.
“It’s okay,” Kai said again. “I’ll always be with you. Don’t be afraid.” Leo nodded, tears still searing down his cheeks.
“I love you,” he whispered against Kai’s neck. But the small taunting murmurs in the back of his mind smirked. How long will that love save you? They asked in sharp hissing voices. How long until he cannot protect you anymore? How long until we win? You’re failing, loosing abysmally.
Leo, you’re ours.
[04]
“Letters of silence confess burdens within/speaking as loneliness listens/while hopelessly feeling.” Cast It Out, 10 Years
Seconds seemed like hours. Time had no meaning anymore. Leo had called off work. The sunshine burned. Like a vampire. Kai had wanted to stay. Leo said no. He didn’t want to hurt Kai anymore. No. He would rather die. Kai was everything to him. His world. His saviour. His love. His heart. His air. But everything had limitations.
Leo hurt. Agonised. Ached. So many emotions. Jostling. Bursting. Screaming. Guilt. Fear. Self-loathing. Pity. Too much. Too loud. Too tiring. He couldn’t handle it anymore. Didn’t want to. He was baggage. Needless, pathetic baggage to Kai. Kai who deserved to be free and with someone who didn’t constantly fall back into bad cycles.
Someone like Sam. Sam would be good for him. Reliable. Not broken. No mental problems. He would be perfect.
Then there were tears. Harsh. He didn’t want to leave Kai. But he couldn’t stay either. The voices were horrible. Unimaginable. Always there. Whispering. Brutalizing. He just wanted them to stop. He wanted to be normal. Sane. Common. He didn’t want to be this. What he was now. The epitome of fxcked up human mess.
Breathless, he was. Breathless in his tears. His fingers caged his eyes. His elbows dug into his knees. The tears were damp. He couldn’t take it anymore. It was too hard. Too fxcking hard. Life was torture. Slow suicide. It had done nothing but slowly ruin him. Every little hitch choked and drowned him. Every high was fleeting, momentary. He was trapped in a slow cycle of natural suicide.
Why not speed up the cycle?
No.
What about Kai? He couldn’t do that to Kai. No, he couldn’t. He loved Kai. He adored Kai.
But he also couldn’t stand this life anymore. The voices. The mental torture. It was too much to bear. To live with. Besides…Kai would be better without him. No more commitments. No more hold backs. No more constant worrying. No more bloodied clothes. No more need to clean up after he fxcked up.
There was a slow nod. It would be better for him. Besides, life obviously wasn’t for him. He couldn’t cope. Not anymore. He was exhausted. Tired. He’d been hanging onto the edge for far too long. He ached. He wanted to let go. Just too end it all.
Sweet oblivion.
No more emotions.
No more pain.
No more anything.
Standing shakily, Leo walked into the bedroom. He collapsed on the bed. The pills were on the side. Bottled sanity. Bottled death. Bottled peace. The tears were still streaming. His hands were shaking. Hands that took into hand the pad. And the pen. Hands that put pen to paper. Little paper sentiments.
Phrases ran through his head. Explanations.
:Kai, I know these words will do nothing to heal to you, to soothe you or to take away your pain, but I hope they might help at least a little.:
They were coherent. His words. Heartfelt. Flowing. Pen danced over paper. Tears rolled. Staining the paper that held written words from the soul.
Pain. Leo hated writing the words. But he couldn’t hold off any longer. He couldn’t keep living. Keep breathing. It was all too difficult. Even for Kai’s sake.
:You make me the happiest I have ever been, but…but you aren’t enough.:
He never wanted to lie. Never wanted to break a promise. Never wanted to hurt someone. Especially not Kai. Never Kai. He loved Kai. But even Kai wasn’t enough anymore.
:How can I give you all you want when I’m dying inside, bit by bit?:
He was broken. Barley functioning. Dying slowly. Killing himself. In time, he would infect Kai. His darkness. His battle. His sorrow. His insanity. Kai would absorb it all. Leo wouldn’t let Kai destroy himself trying to save him. No. Kai had to live. He would live. A happier, fuller life.
The tears hurt.
:I can’t stay here; I can’t stay in this world and pretend everything is okay.:
The pills were in his hand. Relief sweet in his mouth. Tears dripped down his cheeks. Relief. Guilt. Pain. Heartbreak. Conflicting. Battling. Screaming. Yelling.
So loud.
Too loud.
Too much. Too soon.
His heart hurt.
:I don’t want to hurt you, which I know I will do if I stay. I never want to hurt you. To know I have hurt you would kill me more effectively then any method of death.:
Oh god. So many things he wanted to say. Paper was limited. He wanted to voice the peace he felt. He wanted to voice the pain he felt. The apologies. The guilt. He wanted Kai to know he adored him still. Loved him still. That without him, Leo would’ve fallen long before now. That it was inevitable. His time was up. His debt recalled.
:You are my world, but the foundations are crumbling around me and I can’t do anything to keep the walls stable.:
Instability. The pills hurt as he swallowed them. Without water. Without aid. How much did he take? As much as he could. The reminder. He lay down. Reaching out to grab a picture. Kai and Leo. Leo and Kai. He gazed at the picture. Yes, he loved Kai. He always had. Always will. Forever and ever. In life. In death.
Always.
:I love you so much it goes beyond explanation, beyond words.:
His eyes fell closed. His hands closed around the picture. Silence. The clock ticking. How long? How long until the bliss? Until the peace? Until emotions meant nothing? Until life had ebbed?
:And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for letting you down, for falling and not having the strength or courage to crawl back up.:
His heart seemed to be slowing. It was happening. Tears leaks down his cheeks still. Kai was in his mind. His Kai. Laughing Kai. Loving Kai. Kissing Kai. He remembered the feel of Kai. His smell. His skin. His voice. His heart beat. His warmth. His beauty.
Leo’s Kai.
:This is goodbye.:
His breathing was faltering. Collapsing. Along with his heart. Memories, sweet and lingering. Kai when they first met, smiling shyly. Kai kissing him on News years. The day they got together. Kai asking him to move in. Kai’s hands on his skin. Kai’s lips in his own. Softness. Gentleness. Caring. Love. Sweetness.
He loved Kai. Always and forever.
Loved his smiles. His silliness. His moods. His eyes. His face. His personality.
Loved him so much it hurt.
Always.
Forever.
Eternally.
His beautiful Kai.
:I’m sorry. Goodbye, my love.:
The heart had stopped. The breathing had stopped. The memories faded into darkness. The hands relaxed. Yet the tears still fell, trickling down a truly peaceful face. The body was still warm. Sleeping almost. Soon he was to be found. But for now he slumbered everlastingly. Perpetually. Never to awake again. lost in the shadow of memories, Kai’s Leo sleeps.
Finally at peace.
Finally happy.
And always in love.
:Forever yours, Leo.:
[XX]
“You've gone away/you don't feel me here, anymore.” I’m Broken, Seether Featuring Amy Lee.
He’s home again. In the dark. Alone. And the flat reeks of death. Of desertion. Of pain. The essence of Leo clings to the walls. Haunting. Taunting. Memories lurk in the shadows. Shattered dreams hang from the ceiling. Broken sobs ooze from the cracks.
No.
Wait.
They’re his broken sobs. Not twisted echoes of the past. They are real agonising tears. Torturous tears. They’re cutting their traces down his cheeks. Gouging. Slashing. Lacerating. Silver slivers of sorrow. Fleeting personifications of an everlasting mourning.
His heart has stopped beating. Buried with his deceased lover. Happiness. Joy. Love. All buried. All unseeing. All cold. All unreachable. All ephemeral reminiscences of bliss that only brings more excruciating anguish.
Sliding down the wall. Abandoned. Empty. Broken.
Time stops here.
Joy stops here.
Love stops here.
And Kai is left wondering how much more he can take. |
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