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Hi, my name is Scythe
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 | If Only We Got a Dog [Twilight parody] |
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 4.76 with 17 vote(s)
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| Created: 2009-07-07 18:03:20 |
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Is the image of Inigo Montoya distracting you?
Warning: Epic lulz may ensue. Side effects include laughing, dizziness, falling off chairs, rolling on the floor, dying of laughter, or becoming an angry beaver and spazzing out on me through the comments, with the caps lock on and a million exclamation points.
I have no idea where this story/parody is going, so just bear with me.
::: :::
Twas a normal day in Forks, Washington. The locals were guzzling beer and riding around in pickup trucks, or shooting beer cans with shotguns from the front porches of their trailers. Because this is Washington, so obviously everyone must be hicks that don't got no edumacation. Or so Bella Sue thinks.
When Bella Sue, the prissy daughter of the chief of police, came to town, she wanted to hang herself. It was too green. Everything was all green and gross and the people all looked like mushy cereal from being in the rain too long. Totally lame. It caused Bella much chagrin.
"So," said Charlie Swan. "I went out of my way and bought you a truck because I'm just that considerate and caring for a daughter I only see a few weeks a year."
"Oh, cool. Thanks Ch- I mean Dad." Bella Sue said.
"It used to be my friend Billy's truck. You remember my Native American friend Billy?" Charlie asked. "I used to take you with me when I went fishing with him."
"That must be why I can't remember. I do a good job of blocking painful and unnecessary things from my memory. Indians are icky, and so is fishing. I'm an only child." Bella said.
"Uhuh," Charlie muttered, his attempt at striking up a friendly conversation shot down by the prissy little brunette. "Billy is in a wheelchair now."
"So what year was the car built?" Bella asked. She didn't care about why Billy was in a wheelchair because the only thing worse than a Native American is a Native American in a wheelchair. Disabled people are icky.
When she got to her new house with her bio-daddy, she pouted when she saw there was only one bathroom and she would have to share it with him, because she's that much of an only child.
She sobbed in her bedroom for hours and couldn't sleep because that bastar'd called "rain" kept pounding on her window all night, doing it just to bother Bella, I'm sure. Because the sky definitely takes time out of its day, setting aside its busy schedule, to personally attack Bella. She's so tortured.
In the morning, before school, Bella looked in the mirror and cried because she was so pale, despite growing up in Phoenix. Now all of the kids in school are going to crucify her for not being tan, and make her drink whole bottles of Elmer's glue.
When she got to her tiny new school that wasn't big enough to satisfy her, all of the hicks in her class drooled over her, even the greasy chess nerds. Bella didn't dub any of these losers worthy enough to be her new BFF. We're not entirely sure if she had an old BFF. We're not even sure if she even existed before the first chapter because we are given no details of her friends or social life in Phoenix.
Fortunately for Bella, she didn't get shanked for being pale. In fact, the entire school is made up of pasty white kids. We are given no details about black people, or Asians, or Latinos. Or maybe they do exist in the school but Bella doesn't want to interact with them and doesn't talk about them.
Bella spends the entire day sad and depressed because she can't make any friends. No one understands her. Contrary to the parade of kids stalking Bella all day trying to be her new best friend, she just doesn't fit in with other people her age, and no one likes her. Or at least, Bella tells us this.
SHOW, DON'T TELL, STEPHENIE MEYER. I mean BELLA. I mean WHO ARE YOU, ANYWAY?
But in biology, her gloomy day was turned right around. She entered the biology classroom and got stared at. This made her blush, because blushing is a character flaw that teenagers can identify with, making Bella a believable character for sure.
But then her eyes laid on Edward Cullen. "Give It To me Baby" by Rick James began playing from nowhere. But no one else other than Bella noticed the random background music. A random gust of wind blew back Edward's hair, making it looked all se'xy and tussled, just the way Bella likes it.
She sat down next to him and tried not to get drool all over the desk she shared with him.
"Hey," She waggled her eyebrows. "I'm Bella."
"I know." He said.
"REALLY?" She jumped up so high she crashed through the ceiling.
"Yeah," He said to her once she landed back in her seat.
"That's cool," She said, absentmindedly twirling her hair. "So, I was thinking. You and me should have babies."
"No." He said.
"No?" She didn't understand.
"No, I will not be the father of your babies." He shook his head.
"But - I have to have you. I want you. Let me have you!" She stomped her foot.
"You're an only child, aren't you?" Edward sneered.
TWO WEEKS LATER, I THINK, BUT I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE
Bella sat down next to Edwardo in biology, as usual. Some other shiit might have happened between the first day of school and now, but we're going to fast forward past that, because it most likely doesn't have any purpose and Stephenie Meyer's editor shouldn't have been such a pushover and cut out that huge chunk.
"Tell me about yourself." Edward said.
"Well, I was born in Phoenix. When I was two, my mother dropped me on my head and then -"
"Why are you in Forks?" Edward interrupted.
"Because my mom wanted to go travel with her new man candy, Phil, because he's a pretty baseball player. But she couldn't travel because I exist, so she was pretty chagrinned. So I moved here. I'm such a martyr. But now I'm full of chagrin because I don't like it here. I'm so self sacrificing."
"Yes, you are a martyr. You're so selfless and kind and treat others with respect. I admire that." Edward drooled.
"I know, I am pretty selfless. I -"
"Hey, Bella. May I please borrow a pencil?" Mike Newton asked.
"FUUCK OFF, MIKE, GOD. So as I was saying Edward, I'm totally respectful and kind. If someone needs my help, I'm totally there for them. That's just the kind of person I am."
"Wow," Edward said.
"So, how about we have babies?" Bella asked.
"No. I'm dangerous."
"I like that in a man."
"We can't have babies. I'm dangerous. I told you."
"But I love you." Bella's eyes watered. She was full of chagrin.
"I know. You said that in your sleep. I was watching you sleep. I do it a lot." Edward said.
"Really? That's so romantic and totally not stalkerish." Bella gushed. "We're meant to be. Face it. So, are we Bedward or Bedwella? I'm trying to think of a cool couple name, but I can't decide."
ONE DAY LATER
"ZOMG, Bella." Jessica Stanley came out of nowhere.
"Hello," Bella said, not planning on paying attention to whatever Jessica had to say.
"So, about Edward Cullen,"
Bella heard her true love who she just met's name so she paid attention.
"Isn't he hot?" Jessica gushed.
"No, you imbecile." Bella rolled her eyes. "I mean, yes, he's hot. But don't be so shallow. Of course he has a glorious body, a rock hard alabaster chest, beautiful ivory skin, butterscotch eyes like melting honey, and gorgeous auburn hair, a voice like velvet. But still."
"So what are you trying to say?" Jessica was confused.
"I can't explain it right. But he's even more amazing behind the face." Bella said.
"Orly? How?"
"I don't know. He just is."
"So you can't think of any examples?"
Bella was no longer just dumb, but dumbfounded.
"Well that settles it. Edward Cullen has a personality like cardboard, but he's rich and hot. So if you're shallow, you'll marry him." Jessica said.
"GOD JESSICA SHUT UP YOU'RE THE SHALLOW ONE YOU BIG LOSER." Bella got up and ran away, tripping in the process.
FAST FORWARD A FEW DAYS
Bella and Edward have been through so much together. Whether it was killer vans trying to take Bella out, cracks in the sidewalk trying to take Bella out, a bunch of frat boys trying to gangra'pe Bella and then take her out, Edward taking Bella out to eat, and then the only two conversations they ever had. They were in love.
Edward took Bella to his house to meet the 'rents. We are introduced to Carlisle, a smokin' hot doctor Bella, a smokin' hot blonde named Rosalie who hates Bella, a giant teddy bear type guy named Emmett, a quirky psychic with the personality of a ga'y home makeover show host named Alice, and Esme, a cardboard cutout of a mother that doesn't do much but says motherly things if you pull a string on her back.
Bella and Edward quickly hit the bedroom. But much to Bella's disappointment and chagrin, there is no bed, meaning there will be no sexy time. Edward takes this as an opportunity to discuss their love.
"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
[That right thar was an honest-to-God quote from the book. Not lying.]
Bella quickly forgot that Edward was talking about his love for her, and thought he was talking about astrology. But astrology is lame so she just looked into his topaz eyes that were earlier described as butterscotch, which isn't the same color. Because inconsistency is totally fun, kids.
Edward kissed Bella on the lips and being the ditzy damsel she is, she collapsed in his arms, her eyes rolling to the back of her head.
Edward shook her like a baby that wouldn't stop crying, but she wouldn't wake up. He slapped her across the face and she woke up quickly.
"You...made...me...faint." Bella gasped.
[THAT WAS SERIOUSLY A DIRECT QUOTE.]
"Silly human. Let's go play baseball." Edward grabbed Bella, carried her bridal style to a jeep, and threw her inside. Bella was chagrined when she realized they actually WERE going to play baseball, and they weren't going to have sexy time in the jeep.
A FEW HOURS LATER
Some hardcore vamps that steal clothes from dead people rolled in from Crazytown.
James, the leader, was holding a paper cup with little cartoon giraffes on it, sucking blood from this cup with a bendy straw. James' biitch Victoria was clinging to his side. Laurent is also there. He has dreadlocks.
"'Sup." James said nonchalantly. The cup of blood starts making dry sucking sounds, telling James that he was about to run out of blood. He gulped the last of it down, crushed the cup in his hand, and threw it on the ground. Because he's such a bad boy, he liters.
"Hello there," Carlisle said. "I see you steal clothes from dead people. And then wear the clothes. How strange."
"I see you have matching dorky baseball outfits." James said. "How suburban-upper-middle-class-family of you."
James looked around the field, at all the Cullens. Then his eyes found Bella.
"You," James stabbed a finger in her direction. "I'll drink your blood from a bendy-straw then rip your liver out and eat it raw. Yummy."
"Lolwut." Bella said.
"RUN FOR THE HILLS, EDWARD." Carlisle yelled.
Edward and Bella peaced out and went running for the jeep.
Some shiit goes down, some tears are shed, some hos are slapped on James' behalf, but we won't get into any of this.
SOME HOURS LATER
Jasper the friendly vampire and Alice the insane psychic are chillin' like villains in a hotel room with Bella.
The phone rang.
"Hello," Alice said.
"Hey, where's the biitch?" A deep voice asked. There were some slurping sounds, sounding like someone drinking something from a straw.
"What?" Alice asked, confused.
There was a clearing of someone's throat.
"I mean, hello, this is totally Bella's mom," The deep voice suddenly became exaggeratedly high pitched. "I need to talk to her, because I am her mother, and that is what we mothers do. Talk to our daughters."
"BELLA!" Alice yelled. "Your mother is on the phone."
"Mom?" Bella said.
"This is James." The extremely high pitched voice said. "I mean," he cleared his throat and went back to speaking in his normal, deep tone. "This is James. I kidnapped your mom."
"How did you find my mom?" Bella whispered, because she tends to do that a lot in this book, for no apparent reason.
"I didn't even have to look for her. She was just standing on a street corner in a mini skirt. So anyway. I'm in a ballet studio. Come here."
"Okay. I'll leave now."
"Wait. No. Wait about twenty minutes before leaving. I put on some of the tights and tutus I found in the storage closet. It's going to take me some time to change out of these things. But just you wait. When you get here, I'm going to torture you in ways you've never been tortured before."
James hung up.
"Hey Bella," Alice said in another room. "I'm having these visions about a ballet studio. There's a guy in the ballet studio wearing a tutu and dancing around. I wonder why?"
"Yeah, me too." I said. "I don't have any clue on why and that's final quit nagging me I said I don't know GOD, WOMAN."
"Now I'm having a vision he's taking the tutu off and putting normal clothes on." Alice said.
'He's finished changing into normal clothes. I need to leave now.' Bella thought.
But before she left, she wrote the mushiest, sappiest love letter ever written, because that's the only thing Bella and Edward know how to do: be sappy with each other.
Bella didn't tell Alice she was meeting James who kidnapped her mother, because that would make too much sense. And we can't have logic in this story, because logic ruins the plot.
AN HOUR LATER.
Bella walked into the ballet studio to see a video camera sitting on top of a TV. The TV was playing a se'x tape starring Bella's mom. Bella's mom was on top.
"Ew, gross," Bella squinted and looked closer. "Ew, is that GILES from Buffy the Vampire Slayer on the bottom? Ew, mom. Just ew."
'Speaking of my mom, where is she?' Bella thought.
"I thought you'd like that little video." James came out of nowhere. He shut the TV off and picked up the camera.
"What's the camera for?" Bella asked warily. "You're not going to torture me and get it on video so you can show it to my darling Edward, are you?"
"Actually, I was just filming myself while I practiced some ballet moves. But thanks for the idea." James turned the camera on. "And...action!"
Bella ran like a girl toward the exit. James flicked her in the head and she fell over.
"I have some time until your 2-dimensional boyfriend with no personality comes and saves you." James said, holding the camera in her face.
"Leave -" Bella choked. "Me - Alone! I'm just a person! I'm a human being! I'm going through a hard time right now!"
"This is brilliant. I can make a remix of this and put it on youtube." James grinned.
10000 KILOMETERS AWAY
"Why are we even trying to save this tramp?" Rosalie groaned. "This is pointless. Why don't we just let him kill her?"
Edward snarled like a dog.
"Edward loves Bella, so that makes her a part of this family, Rosalie." Carlisle said.
"We should have just got him a dog. He wouldn't be so lonely, and he wouldn't need her for company." Rosalie said. "Why don't we just let James kill Bella and then buy Edward a dog so he can name it after her?"
"Rose," Esme said sternly, one of the rare instances in which she actually talks.
"What?" Rosalie flipped her palms up and spread them out innocently. "Bella sounds more like a dog's name than a human's name anyway."
"My true love is not a dog." Edward snapped.
"She's not a dog. She's a FEMALE dog. As in she's a biitch." Rosalie smirked.
BACK IN THE BALLET STUDIO.
Bella is being beaten to a bloody pulp. Miles and miles away, Rosalie and Edward are arguing over whether or not Bella is in fact a dog. Alice and Jasper are somewhere, doing something. For some reason Alice hasn't already seen Bella getting tortured in her visions.
"Where is Alice?" Bella moaned in pain. "She should have a vision of me getting tortured by now."
"Yeah, inconsistency's a real biitch, isn't it?" James said before kicking her in the face.
"I'm so chagrined." Bella said.
Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride came out of nowhere.
"You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means." Inigo Montoya said, right before impaling Bella on his sword.
"Haha, that made a friggon sweet dramatic ending, bro." James high-fived Inigo Montoya. "Let's go get some food. I'm thinking Mexican."
"Selena Gomez?" Inigo Montoya asked.
"Hellz yes," James grinned.
:::
LAWL. I changed the ending and let Bella die. Just because I can. |
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© 2008 The Doll Palace. All rights reserved.
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(( what happened to chase and every one.