The Chosen: Fiction

[eros]

I'm currently writing a story for my English class. Minimum is 10 pages, doubled space (thank the good Lord) and I will eventually have to make a playlist that goes along with the story. Here's the first 4 chapters. I know it's a little lengthy, but any CC's and writing tips are GREATLY appreciated!


Chapter 1
The wind stirred the long grass and it tickled my legs. My long black hair whipped around my face, but I pushed it aside. I looked up to see a large white crystal sitting in idle above an icy mountain. I started running towards it, up the steep mountain side. I reached the top and admired the jewel, but it began to to glow. A distant voice called out to me,"You are chosen." The crystal grew brighter as the voice grew more intense. The mountain started to shake and crumble. It rocked my feet and I fell back into a never ending pit.

I bolted awake. I looked around my small shabby room. "It was just another dream," I told myself. I got up and made my bed and then headed to the kitchen. "Leo and I are heading out to work," my father said. They were about to step out of the door when my mother caught them. "Not before you eat something. Here take a few pieces of bread." She handed them their food and they stepped outside.
"Good morning mother," I said taking a seat at the table. "Mornin' Kiara. Did you sleep well?"
"I had another dream."
"Not again," replied mother,"Was there anything different about it this time?"
I sighed. "No. It was exactly the same." I paused for a moment. "I just don't understand why I keep dreaming this."
My mother looked worried, but she quickly changed her mood. "Well, don't worry about it now. Have some breakfast."
I took a piece of bread and looked in the fridge. I asked,"Do we have any milk?"
"No. I sent James out to get some, but he hasn't come back yet," replied mother.
I grabbed a glass of water and scarfed down the bread. I headed back to my room and got dressed. Afterwards, I rushed back to the kitchen and kissed my mother on the cheek.
"I'm going out to see Marsy. I'll be back later."
"Alright dear, be back for lunch!" mother yelled as I closed the front door behind me.

A mild breeze hit my face as I started walking down the dirt street. Looking around I noticed the houses seemed even shabbier than before. Some windows were boarded shut and the homes looked empty. I thought back to the time when Overlord Xavaster first took control of the town. I shuddered at the thought. The city of Lavender used to be so lively. Everyone was happy and no one had a care in the world....until that day. Xavaster showed up and he took control and tore the city into ruins. With his magic powers, no one could stop him. His high taxes have sent many into debt with no way of escaping it. Sometimes he has his minions come and take innocent souls off the streets and changes them into hybrids! I shook my head in disgust and kept walking. I finally made it to the town square and found my friend at the Lavender Tree.
The Lavender Tree is the only tree that has bloomed since Xavaster's reign. It actually seems to grow bigger and brighter each year. It's very precious to Lavender City. I'm surprised Xavaster hasn't cut it down yet.
My friend Marsy was sitting under it holding a photograph. I headed over and sat down next to her.
"Hi Marsy. What cha' got there?"
"Hello Kiara. I'm just looking at an old picture."
She handed me it. It was an old photo of her and I when we were little. We were running around the Lavender Tree playing a game of tag. We were so happy back then...
"It sure has been a while since this was taken," I told her.
"Yeah, a lot of things have changed since then," she said.
At that moment two of Xavaster's minions came rolling into the square. As they walked, they bumped into people and even pushed some down. A homeless man was nearby and they stopped near his feet.
"Daniel Fink?" said one of the ugly minions.
"Yes?" replied the man.
"You have fallen behind in your taxes and are ordered to be seen by the Dark Overlord Xavaster."
The minions tackled him and began to restrain him.
"Help me! Somebody please help!" shouted the man as the creatures cuffed him and took him away.
"Not again," Marsy said.
I looked with hatred at the creatures. "Somebody has to do something!" I stood up with my fist clenched and headed towards them.

Chapter 2
All of sudden, a force pulled me back. I looked behind me to find Marsy tugging on my arm.
"Let me go Marsy," I demanded.
"Kiara, there's nothing you can do about it. They might even take you too," my friend said in her most serious voice.
I looked back to the man. He was nearly out the square, but I could still hear him pleading for his life. People turned away from him trying not to notice.
"Fine!" I stormed back under the tree and grumbled.
"I just wish there was something that I....anyone could do!" I cried to Marsy in vain. I slid down and hung my head in shame.
"I'm sorry Kiara..." Marsy said in a helpless voice.
James came around the corner and saw Marsy and me. He ran over to us. "What was all the commotion?" he asked.
"Another person was taken to Xavaster by the minions," replied Marsy.
"Oh...why don't we go on home then Kiara. I have something to show you." I sat up and we said out goodbyes to Marsy. We ran home and I went to James's room. He came in shortly and closed the door. "Okay so you wanna know why it was taking me so long to get milk?"
"Um I guess so. Why?" I asked.
"Well on my way to the market there was a strange man in the street. He stopped me and gave me this." James pulled out a map.
"James, don't you know not to talk to strangers?" I replied.
"Yes I know, but he told me to give it to you."
I stared in shock. "What?" I took the map from him and took a long look at it. The map showed a route to the Southern part of Callista where it's really cold. In the corner on the top it said, "For the Chosen."
I was speechless. "D..D...Did the man say anything else?" I asked stuttering.
"Nothing else. I tried to find him after I got the milk, but he disappeared," my brother said looking at me strangely.
"In my dream there's always a voice that says I have to help the chosen."
James looked at me. "Well...I guess you better start packing!"
"Packing! What do mean packing?" I shouted in confusion.
"Kiara, can't you see? That dude knew you were the "chosen". You have to follow this map and find out where it leads to!" my bother shouted back with excitement.
My head was spinning with confusion. Could this person really know my destiny? "James...g..g..give me a minute," I said to him as I left and went to my room.
I looked down at the map. Should I do this? How did this guy know about my dreams? So many questions were floating around in my head. I shut my eyes and tried to make some since of it. Soon I fell asleep.
A big wide open field stretched for miles. The Lavender Tree was about 30 feet in front of me. I ran towards it and found an old man lying beneath it. "Hello?" I asked.
"I thought you would never come," the old man looked up at me.
"Who are you?"
"That is not important. What is though, is that you must come to South Callista That is the only way to learn." the strange old man replied.
"What's in South Callista? Why am I chosen?"
He said," There you will train. You will learn great powers to help your people."
"Wait! To help my people? How?!" I was starting to get frusterated.
He just stared at me at me. "You'll find that out when the time comes."
I woke up and stared at the ceiling. That was no ordinary dream. I haven't had a dream like that before, and with recent events, it seemed highly possible that it could be true. The map sat in idle next to my side. I picked it up and studied it. If I calculated correctly, it would take a 4 day journey to get to South Callista, and I would need some warm clothes. It gets pretty cold down there.
James slowly opened my door and peeked inside. "Any thoughts on what to do Kiara?" he asked me.
"I've been thinking...I'm gonna do it!" I said in a confident tone.

[eros]

Chapter 3
"REALLY!" James shouted in excitement. "That's so cool! But what will Mother and Father think of it?"
"You see James," I pulled him closed and whispered,"Mother and Father aren't gonna find out."
"What? You have to tell them," he replied.
"You know well enough they would never let me go....James there's just something that feels right about this. Maybe I can figure out a way to save our city even."
He looked at me and sighed. "Considering what happened, it isn't just coincidence. I guess you can go, BUT you have to make up your own excuse for Mother and Father because I don't want to lie to them."
I jumped up and slapped is arm. "Did I ever tell you that you were the better brother!" I winked at him.
"Yeah yeah whatever," he said with a nervous smile.

Later that evening I was still thinking about what to say to my parents. I remember my Aunt lived about a 5 day journey away from us. Perhaps I could tell them I wanted to visit her to get away from all the stuff going on in Lavender. Hopefully I could convince them. I walked out to the living room to see the rest of the family gathered around the small coffee table, chatting about their day.
"Mother?" I asked.
"Yes dear?"
"I was wondering," I looked at James but he turned away."Could I maybe spend a few days at Aunt Jasmine's house? I would kinda like to get away from Lavender for a while." I mustered up my most convincing puppy dog face.
"Well that doesn't sounds too bad. What do you think hun?" She asked my father.
"Sounds fine to me. Will you be alright going alone? The boys need to stay and help and Mother can't go. You know the way, right?" My father said.
"YES! I know the way! Can I leave tomorrow?" I asked, barely holding in my excitement.
"Tomorrow? Shouldn't we send her a letter first?" My mother replied looking at me suspectingly.
I calmed down a tad. "I was actually hoping I could surprise her."
My mother looked back to my father. He shrugged not giving much help. She turned back to me. "I guess so!"
I gave her a hug and then I ran back into my room. I grabbed some pencil and paper to start writing down supplies that I needed.

Early the next morning, all the items I needed were all scattered out across my bed. My eyes ran down the list double checking items. After I checked the last box, I started squeezing all the supplies into my backpack. I put on my boots and hiked my backpack over my shoulder and went in to the living room.
"Okay Mother, I'm ready to go."
"Alright! Be safe, and remember to stop and rest when your tired. Don't wear yourself out," my mother replied.
I finished saying my goodbyes and stepped out into the street.
I walked as fast as I could through the city, trying not to look up. I couldn't stand to see one more minute of pain and suffering. I finally reached the end of the city and looked back.
"Don't worry Lavender. When I come back I'll save you from this," I said with vengence as I turned and left the city.

Chapter 4
I've been walking for a few hours now. The land finally changed into a thick dense forest. "Seems like Xavaster hasn't gotten to these trees yet," I said to myself. Taking in my surroundings, I felt at peace. It was so quiet and calming. No strange sounds or innocent cries. And the sky was actually blue! Not it's normal grey hue like in Lavender.
"GGGRRRR!" I froze in place. I looked around slowly and I heard it again. "Wait a second." I felt my stomach and it growled. I chuckled. "Guess I'm not as calm as I think I am! Looks like it may be time for lunch though." I took a seat at the foot of a large tree. Soon I was eating one of my mother's lovely sandwiches. "I am sure going to miss them," I said sadly. "But I need to do this. For me." I finished eating my sandwich and after a few minutes I continued on my way.

It was starting to get dark outside. I could see the sun slowly sink over the tree tops. I pulled out the map and examined it. By the looks of it, there should be a small town up ahead, where I planned to rest for the night. Hopefully the townsfolk would be welcoming. After about 15 minutes, I could see lights. I ran until I came to some cool tree houses. Their wooden structures fit just perfectly in with the limbs of the trees. Ladders and bridges connected them together. People were either up on them or on the ground conversing.
"Hello there."
I turned around and a red-headed child stood before me.
"Oh hello! I didn't even see you there," I replied. "I'm Kiara."
She said," Hi Kiara! I'm Ivy."
"You wouldn't happen by to know anyone willing to take me in for the night?" I asked her.
"Sure I do! In fact I'm sure my brother would be happy to let you stay at our house!" she said full of excitement.
She grabbed my hand and lead me up various ladders and ropes. Ivy chattered along the way. We finally reached a decent looking tree house. She went inside and I followed suit.
The interior seemed to be like the outside, wooden. But it had some comfy looking furniture. Ivy dragged over, who I assumed to be her brother. I tried not to stare as he shook my hand. He was very handsome. His dark green eyes stood out against his tan skin and caramel hair.
"Hello there," he said in a smooth voice. "My name is Alex Ianfire."
Even his voice was nice! "Hi there Alex," I replied trying not to blush. "I'm Kiara."
He smiled and I blushed even more. "Pleasure to meet you Kiara." He looks to Ivy.
"My sister said that you were needing a place to stay for the night. Am I right?"
I said, "Yes, if it's no problem."
"Of course it's not a problem! Although you may have to share a bed with Ivy. Our beds are limited"
"That's fine with me! I like Kiara. She's very nice!" replied the cute girl.

"Wow," said Alex looking at the clock. "It looks like it's passed your bedtime Ivy."
"But I'm not tired," whined Ivy. But as she said this, she feigned a yawn.
"Come on," he said as he scooped her up. He carried her to her room and tucked her in.
I sat on the comfy rug staring at the fire pit, watching the flames dance. Alex came out of her room and shut the door silently behind him. He came back and sat down next to me.
"You know I don't quite understand how you can have a fire in a tree. It's not very safe at least," I told him.
He laughed. "Don't worry! We coat our homes with fire-resistance spray. It works pretty good. And we always have safety precautions," He said as he pointed to a bucket of water nearby.
We sat there chatting for a bit.
"It's really sweet how you take care of your sister," I said.
"Thank you. It's the least I can do while my mom is away. She takes a trip every month to the big city, Satuwe, to get supplies for people."
We chat some more.
"So where are you heading to? We don't usually get a lot of visitors here,"Alex asked me."
I replied, "I'm on a little quest to South Callista."
"That's pretty far," he said. "May I ask why you're heading down there?"
I thought about telling him the truth, but afraid of him thinking I was crazy I said, "Just to say I've been there mostly."
Alex didn't seem to believe me, but he didn't say anything otherwise.
It got quiet pretty quick after that. Neither of us were talking.
"Perhaps I should head on to bed. I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow," I said getting up.
"I probably should too," Alex replied. "See you in the morning."
Being carefully not to make a sound, I climbed in bed with Ivy. She didn't seem to stir. I pulled the sheets over me and my mind raced through the events of today. Eventually Ivy's even breathing lured me to sleep where my dreams awaited me.

[LancasterPrincess]

I don't have time to read the whole thing, but I read up until the Lavender Tree part.

My CC is that this sounds more like a diary entry than a book. There are WAY too many "I"s.

Instead of starting every other sentence with an "I" try to re-word things. For example Red is yours, Blue is mine:


I bolted awake. I looked around my small shabby room. "It was just another dream," I told myself. I got up and made my bed and then headed to the kitchen.

Suddenly, like a bolt of lightening, everything was back to real life. A dream; just another dream. Shaking the image out of my head, I slipped out of bed and headed down to the kitchen.

I shook my head in disgust and kept walking. I finally made it to the town square and found my friend at the Lavender Tree.
The Lavender Tree is the only tree that has bloomed since Xavaster's reign. It actually seems to grow bigger and brighter each year. It's very precious to Lavender City. I'm surprised Xavaster hasn't cut it down yet.

Disgust enveloped me, but I kept on walking. The town square was just about the only place left that was lovely, and it was all due to the Lavender Tree. Full of blooms that have not been seen elsewhere since Xavaster's reign. In fact, it has grown larger and brighter every year since. Like a beacon of hope, it is very precious to Lavender City. It's very surprising Xavaster hasn't cut it down yet.

I hope that's the kind of CC you were hoping for. You seem to have a good story, but there's just so many "I, I, I, I, my, my, my" that the story loses the reader. Try changing up your sentences, using larger words, and try to figure out how else to write that the character does something rather than saying I/My.

[eros]

Thank you for the CC's Lovie. I'll try and see what I can do. I'm about to chapter 8 now,but there's a lot of I's and my's up to that point. The character is first person, so it's kind of difficult not to use I's and my's anyways, but I guess I'll just have to try.

[LancasterPrincess]

You can still write in 1st person without being repetitive. It'll just take practice, but soon you won't even have to think about it. Variation will just come naturally, eventually.

[belladoggy]

I was actually going to mention that the first time I tried to critique this (before I realized my formatting wasn't working). It's something we work on in German, so I am very aware of sentence variance. You can try just re-writing the sentences you've already written in different ways. For example, the suggestions Lovie made are all good, and you can also add more. By that, I mean that you can re-write the same sentence multiple ways and see what you like. It's just an exercise, but I find it can really help broaden your sentence structure and vocabulary. Thesauruses are beautiful tools

I'll come back later to show you what I mean about unnecessary wordage, but it's very hard to explain without showing which words I think should be struck out. I'll probably do what Lovie did and post both your version and mine in varying font colors; hopefully that will help. All I can say at this point is that eliminating unnecessary words is just as important to your story as choosing the right words. That is, it's like music: even during rests, where there is no sound, the music has a message. What you decide NOT to say is just as important as what you do choose to say.

[eros]

Well girls, I finally finished writing it! (The rough draft) 30 pages doubled spaced, around 6,000 words, and 10 chapters including a epilogue. I have until the 22nd to finish it, so I'll have plenty of time to revise and such.
Just a quick question, mainly for Lovie. Could I use part of the revisions you made? I don't want to steal the entire pieces you adjusted, but I like the way you used your wording for example:

Like a beacon of hope, it is very precious to Lavender City. It's very surprising Xavaster hasn't cut it down yet.

And I will have to agree that the first few chapters are pretty bad with word usage. I didn't put much thought into them.

[eros]

Well girls I did it! After a long few weeks I managed to finish the story. (All 29 pages!) I plan to post it here, but don't worry I singled spaced it and got it down to 18.
The assignment was worth 575 points and I ended up with a score of 580! Bonus for turning it in early. I also had to burn a CD with at least 15 songs that went with the theme.
I only had one other person who was kind enough to read the entire thing and critique, but thank you Lovie and Bridie for giving what you could. You did much more than most people.
Unless you really want to get into the story, here is the list of songs and their artists.

1. Exit Calypsan (Only In My Dream)-Falling Up (3:23)
2. Dust in the Wind-Kansas (3:26)
3. Stand Up-Fireflight (3:32)
4. Alexithymia-Anberlin (3:23)
5. No Way Back-Foo Fighters (3:17)
6. Don't Look Back-Boston (5:58 )
7. Feels Like the First Time-Foreigner (3:52)
8. Moby Di.ck-Led Zeppelin (4:21)
9. In No Time-MuteMath (4:53)
10. In the Air Tonight-Phil Collins (5:33)
11. Eye of the Tiger-Survivor (4:06)
12. Noticed-MuteMath (4:30)
13. Raise Your Weapons-Deadmou5 (8:16)
14. Electric Tears-Buckethead (5:32)
15. Dream On-Aerosmith (4:25)

And now for the first chapter of my new and enhanced story. Ladies I give you...

Chosen

[eros]

Chapter 1

The wind stirred my long black hair, so I pushed it aside. Before me was a large crystal, sitting in idle above an icy mountain. I started running up the steep mountain side until I reached the top. After admiring the jewel it began to glow. A distant voice called out to me, “You are chosen." As the voice continued to become more intense, the crystal grew brighter. The mountain started to shake and ground beneath my feet split. I fell down into darkness.

Like lightning, I shot up in bed. Shaking the image out of my mind I said, "It was just another dream.” I quickly dressed myself and headed to the kitchen. My older brother and father were about to step out of the door. "Leo and I are leaving for work," Father said, but my mother caught them. "Not before you eat something. Here take a few pieces of toast." She handed them their food and they stepped outside.
"Good morning Mother," I said taking a seat at the table.
"Mornin' Kiara. Did you sleep well?"
I replied in a solemn tone, "No. The dream was the same, as always."
Mother had a worried look, but she quickly changed her mood. "Well, don't worry about it now. Have some breakfast."
After shoving a piece of toast in my mouth I asked, “Do we have any milk?"
"Not at the moment. James went out to get some, but he hasn't come back yet," replied Mother.
I gulped down a glass of water and walked back to my room to get dressed. Afterwards, I rushed back to the kitchen and kissed Mother on the cheek. "I'm going out to see Marsy. I'll be back later."
"Alright dear!" Mother yelled as I closed the front door behind me.

Dirt from the street floated up into the air, as my feet hit the ground. Looking around I noticed the houses seemed even shabbier than before. Some windows were boarded shut and the homes looked empty. Shuddering at the thought, I thought back to the time when Overlord Xavaster first took control.
The city of Lavender used to be so lively. Everyone was happy and no one had a care in the world....until that day. Xavaster showed up and took the position as dictator. With his magic powers, no one could stop him. His high taxes have sent many into debt with no way of escaping it. Sometimes he has his minions come and take innocent souls off the streets and changes them into hybrids! I shook my head in disgust; Lavender is just dust in the wind. Soon I finally made it to the town square and found my friend at the Lavender Tree.
The Lavender Tree is the only tree that has bloomed since Xavaster's reign. Like a beacon of hope, it grows bigger and brighter each year. It's very precious to the citizens of Lavender. I'm surprised Xavaster hasn't cut it down yet.
My friend Marsy was sitting under the tree holding a photograph. I headed over and sat down next to her.
"Hi Marsy. What cha' got there?"
"Hello Kiara. I'm just looking at an old picture." She handed it over.
It was an old photo of us when we were little. We were running happily around the Lavender Tree playing a game of tag. Smiles beamed from our faces.
"It sure has been a while since this was taken," I told her.
"Yeah, a lot of things have changed since then," she said.
At that moment two of Xavaster's minions came rolling into the square. As they walked, they bumped into people and even pushed some down. A homeless man was nearby and they approached him.
"Daniel Fink?" said one of the ugly minions.
"Yes?" replied the man.
"You have fallen behind in your taxes and are ordered to be seen by Dark Overlord Xavaster."
The minions tackled and restrained him.
"Help me! Somebody please help!" shouted the man as the creatures cuffed and took him away.
"Not again," Marsy said.
Hatred for the creatures filled my mind. "Somebody has to do something!" With my fists clenched, I headed towards the beasts.