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RPG Games All Roleplay and Role-play games. Create and play Fantasy and In-Out-Character RPs, "legend of" type and any other RP games.

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Default 05-26-2009, 07:28 AM

The name is not any good. You don't need a middle name for your character; if they have one, you include that in the 'Etc' or 'misc' area of the character sheet. Also, the last name does NOT need an extra R in it.



I stare at the girl in the mirror: T-shirt, torn up jeans, no beauty queen.
But the way that you see me, you get underneath me, and all my defenses just fall away, fall away.
I am beautiful with you, even in the darkest part of me. I am beautiful with you;
Make it feel the way it's supposed to be!

You're here with me: Just show me this and I'll believe I am beautiful with you!
Halestorm
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Default 05-26-2009, 07:35 AM

It also smacks too much of Twilight, which is not something that anyone who wishes to create a well rounded character should be copying. Your character's name translates as "Beautiful Star", which is a Sue name. Just give her an ordinary surname like say, Brown or Hayland, or a less spectacular first name, like Kelly or Jane. It's just the combination of both the names together that's sounding Sueish. Otherwise, everything's cool.


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Default 06-06-2009, 07:47 PM

Ok, thank you. I'll change the name.


Gentle breezes rush by me. They seem to scream your name. I've done everything I could, to keep from going insane. I tried, I tried, I tried. But I should have never denied, my love. Sweet angel, adieu.
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Default 08-24-2009, 03:50 AM

I really wanted to try RPing :]

Name: Mika Suoh
Age: 14
Personality: Mika is a friendly and quiet girl and always looks out for her friends.
She is very shy to people and really unique. She has very few friends because of
her shyness. She is half japanese. She isnt that smart in math (probably like an
average). She sleeps mostly in history :3 Loves anime and music :] She has a
laptop and goes on it mostly at home. She really wants to learn piano.

Weaknesses: Math, history, laziness
Strengths: Writing, drawing, friends
Bio: Her name is Mika Suoh. Her hair is black and long.
She has a normal height for a 14 year old (not tall or small).
Click here for a pic

*Glares* She went inside the gate.
I thought to myself, wow I wonder how much my mom payed to bring me to this school. When I
walked inside I saw students chatting, classroom doors, hallways with plates and numbers on them
(ex.#1-17 rooms). I guess this is a comfortable school I think I'll do fine here :)

Last edited by Clouds : 08-24-2009 at 04:11 AM.
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Default 08-24-2009, 08:04 AM

First of all, why does she have to be half Japanese? It's not really necessary and is something that Suethors do a lot to try to make their Sue appear more interesting.

Second, your strengths and weaknesses contradict each other. If she has lots of friends, then how can she be shy? It doesn't make any sense. Plus you need to have at least three personality weaknesses, and a couple of believable strengths.

Third, that is not a bio. A bio is telling the story of the character and how they got into this situation, not simply a repetition of their profile. It also has to be believable, and not too dramatic.

Finally, that is not an opening paragraph, that is a sentence. Your opening paragraph needs to be a lot bigger than that, and to tell us a lot more. Also, this RP is not in first person, but in third person; ie, he said/she said. You can't just post as first when everyone else is in third.

Please make a new post to fix these things; don't edit your first post as we need to see how much you have improved.


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Default 08-24-2009, 08:17 AM

I'd like to point one thing out; your spacing is NOT necessary in the least. If you were trying to make it look like your post was longer, that wasn't very convincing. Sometimes you just have to take a plunge and type, type, type and type until the RP owner is satisfied with your character.

Also, pictures are NOT worth a thousand words in an RP. You type out what they look like, what they usually wear, physical flaws they have, weird quirks of theirs. Even down to a limp. You do NOT need a picture unless the RP owner dictates that they want one. More often than not, just posting a picture is lazy.



I stare at the girl in the mirror: T-shirt, torn up jeans, no beauty queen.
But the way that you see me, you get underneath me, and all my defenses just fall away, fall away.
I am beautiful with you, even in the darkest part of me. I am beautiful with you;
Make it feel the way it's supposed to be!

You're here with me: Just show me this and I'll believe I am beautiful with you!
Halestorm

Last edited by Silent_Wolf : 08-24-2009 at 08:39 AM.
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Default 09-02-2009, 06:43 PM

Okay. Actually, I'm not sure if I'm allowed in here. But I'm not a very good RP'er so I do want CC.
Here we go, my Character.
---
Name: Rose Naylon
Age: 15
Personality: She is chubby and at first sight, you can already tell that she is not very nice; her attitude is crabby and she thinks herself superior. She has brown, obviously curled hair, never oily (always taking care of her appearance). As a matter of fact, she doesn't like anything with the exception of art. She's mean and quite uninterested in all subjects but when something like an art contest comes up, she's all into it, although her superiority complex doesn't get any better; she's always being mean to others. She secretly really likes the opportunity to come to this school, seeing as it's a very nice way to express herself, but will not show it. She's actually from England and her parents have moved here for business purposes. Because she's just moved from England, she still carries an accent.
Weaknesses: She's horribly terrible at sports, seeing as she eats a lot and never excercises, which is a given. She doesn't reply well and can't sing, also related to her health. Her weight is high and she doesn't want anyone to know about it, and doesn't know how to handle things so she just yells at them and stomps away; this just makes them more amused.
Strengths: Art, of course; she's actually not that good and probably will not be the best in the class but she's very into it and improves quite quickly.
Bio: Her parents brought her from England for business reasons, and this is the first time she's moving, and she doesn't particularly like America, but upon hearing tha tthis is an art school it should be nice.

Rose stomped to school in her boots haughtily. She wanted to arrive in style, in a car, but her parents were busy this morning, and it set her in a bad mood. The air smelled horrible, like noxious gas; how did these Americans stand it? Well, a place smelling like pigs was fit for pigs, she decided, sneering meanly. A beautiful, white dove flew by; it was the first beautiful thing she'd seen since she set foot in New York. She sighed, wanting to capture it in time so she could study and draw it. However, the moment of happiness didn't last for long. Scowling, Rose kicked open the gates and her boot got tangled. She yelped out in surprise, nearly falling over and grasping the gate for a stronghold, but the black door swung and she fell onto the floor, the impact making her knee bleed a little. Almost in tears, she continued her walk into the school, feeling humiliated and ashamed.
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Default 12-31-2010, 10:11 AM

Name: Anne Smith
Age:
15
Personality:
Anne isn't a very strong person mentally. She cries alot and can't stand being in any type of relationship. She is naive and tends to be easily manipulated into doing things she normally wouldn't. She tries hard in school to get good grades, and she does. Anne is also a conservative girl that hates being in groups. She will actually freeze up and sometimes faint. However she loves to draw and is an exceptional artist, the only reason she was excepted into the school.
Strengths:
She is very good with drawing and painting. She writes okay poetry, though that's something she keeps hidden from others, and she is good in school.
Bio:
Anne grew up in America with her uncle and aunt from an early age. Her parents died in a car crash, when she was 2, so she never remembered them much. When she was 7 they moved to Scotland, because her Uncle got a job offer. At 9 they moved again back to America.She was an only child and grew up basically alone as her aunt and uncle worked all the time. At 10, they found her sketches and were impressed. She quickly took them away. She had hoped no one would see them.

Her aunt appiled her for the School of Arts and she got in. The school became her home away from home. Despite the teachers attempts, she refused to be in the school plays. Instead she helped with the sets and props being painted.
-

Anne stepped from the car nervously. "Bye Annie!" Her aunt called childishly behind her. She looked down at her black boots and sighed quietly. She shouldered her small bag, and picked up her suitcase in one hand. She walked along the path to the school, the blustery, New York wind blowing her short brown hair. She raised her green eyes to look around the area, same as always on the first day of school. New students were arriving and some of them were taller than her she sighed, deciding to wait for the one friend she had at the school. She saw Elizabeth's blonde head coming into view and she smiled and waved, not one into the squealing hugs other girls gave each other. "Let's go!" Elizabeth said, running ahead of her friend. Anne had no choice, but to follow.



image: from google
edit: by me

Last edited by Always_And_Forever_MeGeek : 12-31-2010 at 10:20 AM.
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Default 12-31-2010, 09:58 PM

My opinion, as incorrectas it may be, is that the main faults in your character can be found in her personality. Although you state she isn't strong mentally and cries a lot, neither of these are really a fault in personality. Flaws in personality generally go more along the lines of arrogant or possesive, and believe me when I say we all have them.

You also mentions she is naive, freezes up around others and sometimes even faints. I hate to say it but there are several sueish tendancies in all of these 'traits'. However there are also some signs of a promising character...if you just delve a little deeper. What parts of her perosnality cause her to be so nervous around others? Would these be consdiered unfortunate traits or flaws? How can you use these to balance out her good traits? Will it make for a believable character?

If you begin to ask yourself questions about your character you can really get to know them. Once you think you have a personality it may help to image your character in certain scenarios and the way they might react, just to feel out their personality a little.

Hope some of this helps, and I didn't come out sounding like a complete prat. I'm still learning myself >.<


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Default 01-01-2011, 12:12 PM

In ways, I agree with Chessie (no, Chessie, you did not sound like a prat); this character lacks a certain depth to her. In other words, she could go either way; be a wonderfully mousey "nerd" type, or turn into a sue that starts out "invisible" and, due to circumstances out of her control, has to overnight change all of her habits (think of the Princess Diaries movie, but even more unbelievable with the 'overnight' tidbit).

Now, you could, say, make her more like a breathing human and less like a cartoon, metaphorically, by giving her more individual quirks. Perhaps she's... people-phobic? As in, being in large crowds makes her panic, or when she's speaking in front of people, she tugs at her hair and buried her face behind it as a shield, or something to that end. Adding little details like that turns a generic trait into something believable.

As for flaws... well, being nervous around people seems more like an extra than an actual flaw. The Seven Deadly Sins are Sloth, Greed, L'ust, Wrath, Gluttony, Pride, and Envy. While I don't recommend you just list one of these in and of themselves in a character skeleton, this is a good place to start.

For example, your character Anne does not seem lazy, for she likes to keep her grades up, so Sloth is out.

Anne strikes me as slightly unambitious, so Greed is out.

L'ust would require her going out and flirting with random people to satisfy it, and she isn't a people-person, so that's out.

Gluttony isn't just food; it's over-indulging in any one thing, and the motto is more or less "I want more", while Greed's is "I want it all,". Just as before, your character has shown no sign of needing to hoard something, so no Gluttony.

Pride requires one to think highly of one's self (or at least for the sin it does; you can have pride without being arrogant), and Anne seems to have low self-esteem. Definitely not Pride.

Last but not least, and the one with the most potential for your character, is Envy. Taken from a wiki-page (link!), this is a great definition for what the sin of Envy is all about: "Envy (also called invidiousness) is best defined as an that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it." " Now, your character Anne doesn't seem to think highly of herself, but that usually requires seeing other people above you. Thus, she could see others who have social graces and lots of friends and let longing for what they have consume her.


This was an example of a basic process you could use to help develop flaws for your characters. But when I saw 'basic', I mean it; there are human characteristics and flaws that don't fit into the Seven Deadly Sins, or not completely, and those are to be considered too. I just chose to give you this list to follow by so that you can have a starting idea on what it means to pick out a flaw for your character. You don't have to pick out Envy for Anne, though; you could change her if you wanted to fit around something else.

Your introductory post is pretty good, though your descriptions seem choppy; at some points you have these wonderful phrases that make you see and feel where your character is and what she's like, but then you follow that up with... a blank. Intro posts give you a feel for the character and the setting, so really work on those. In fact, if I made a character that seems week in the skeleton, or outline, I use my intro to give the readers a better feel for him/her and their mind (flaws, virtues, opinions and all!).

I hope this isn't too choppy (my dad is rushing me), or too much of a bore to read, and that you take this all to heart.


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