Harry Potter RP {For RPG Newbies ONLY}

[Paradise_Lost17]

Im not exactly a newbie at Roleplaying, but my characters are still mostly in need of an upgrade. Ive run a few roleplays on other sites but most of those sites dont care if you have a Mary Sue or Gary Stue.

Full Name: Lauren Alina Ashcroft
Name or nickname they like to be called by: Laurie
House Desired (Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Gryffindor): Slytherin
Gender: Female
Age: 11
Appearance: Brunette hair that falls to her middle back and curls into ringlets towards the tips. Her bangs are cut straight across her forehead, covering a litte bit of her eyes, wich are a foggy blue color. She wears a pair of glasses because of her poor eyesight, and is nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, she is normal in every aspectexcept for her personality, wich is a bit more arrogant and flaunt-like than her parents raised her to be.
Personality: Lauren is arrogant, sarcastic, and very rude. It is on rare occasion that you will get a good word or kind response from her. Though she isnt all that bad on the inside she certainly is on the outside. Her friends rarely say bad things about her considering that when your a friend of hers you wont ever be a victim to her insults. Sometimes she can be kind and dosent normally descriminate against blood purity unless provoked to do so. Understandably she has very little friends in the muggle world, and is known as being the one who isnt very popular or the most exciting person in the world. Mostly she is known to hang on the fringes of social events, but is a whiz when it comes to her studies.
Class (as in Pure Blood, Half Blood, or Muggleborn): Pureblood
Strengths (as in subjects and non-subjects): Defense against the dark arts, potions, and charms. She is very smart and has a tendancy to stand up for herself.
Weaknesses (as in subjects and non-subjects): Transfigurations, she just cant seem to understand why she needs this subject.She is simply a selfish and rude child with no manners, she is deathly afraid of lightening and spiders, and her main weakness is her inability to think before she speaks.


Intro:

Lauren stood patiently with her arms crossed, eyes flickering back and forth from each student, examining and critisizing thm before she even knew them. She had been so caught up in this act of rudeness that she barely heard her name being called over the roar of her own thought. "Lauren Ashcroft" the old hag at the front called, she uncrossed her arms and walked over to the hat, not even sparing a glance backwards despite the jittery feelings floating throughout her. She pleaded with the hat to put her somewhere that suited her. "Hurry up!" she thought feircly to the hat, hating how slow it was taking to call out her house, wich made the hat seem to take even longer. "Patience my dear, I see that you are very smart and have great potiential, though yo are impatiant and flaunt your arrogance about like your already a prodigy...." From there the hat pused, giving Laurn a thousand jittery feelings as she wandered where she would be, "Slytherin!" the hat boomed loudly.

Lauren smiled, as she took her place at the Slytherin table, happy with the hats choice for a house.

[spirit_queen]

Originally Posted by Paradise_Lost17

I'm not exactly a newbie at Roleplaying, but my characters are still mostly in need of an upgrade. I've run a few roleplays on other sites but most of those sites [u]don't]/u] care if you have a Mary Sue or Gary Stue.

Full Name: Lauren Alina Ashcroft
Name or nickname they like to be called by: Laurie
House Desired (Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Gryffindor): Slytherin
Gender: Female
Age: 11
Appearance: Brunette hair that falls to her middle back and curls into ringlets towards the tips. Her bangs are cut straight across her forehead, covering a little bit of her eyes, which are a foggy blue color. She wears a pair of glasses because of her poor eyesight, and is nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, she is normal in every aspect except for her personality, which is a bit more arrogant and flaunt-like than her parents raised her to be.
Personality: Lauren is arrogant, sarcastic, and very rude. It is on rare occasion that you will get a good word or kind response from her. Though she isn't all that bad on the inside she certainly is on the outside. Her friends rarely say bad things about her, considering that when you're a friend of hers you won't ever be a victim to her insults. Sometimes she can be kind and doesn't normally discriminate against blood purity unless provoked to do so. Understandably, she has very little friends in the Muggle world, and is known as being someone who isn't very popular or the most exciting person in the world. Mostly she is known to hang on the fringes of social events, but is a whiz when it comes to her studies.
Class (as in Pure Blood, Half Blood, or Muggleborn): Pureblood
Strengths (as in subjects and non-subjects): Defense against the dark arts, potions, and charms. She is very smart and has a tendency to stand up for herself.
Weaknesses (as in subjects and non-subjects): Transfigurations, she just cant seem to understand why she needs this subject.She is simply a selfish and rude child with no manners, she is deathly afraid of lightening and spiders, and her main weakness is her inability to think before she speaks.


Intro:

Lauren stood patiently with her arms crossed, eyes flickering back and forth from each student, examining and criticizing them before she even knew them. She had been so caught up in this act of rudeness that she barely heard her name being called over the roar of her own thoughts.

(New paragraph)"Lauren Ashcroft," the old hag at the front called. She uncrossed her arms and walked over to the hat, not even sparing a glance backwards despite the jittery feelings floating throughout her. She pleaded with the hat to put her somewhere that suited her. "Hurry up!" she thought fiercely to the hat, hating how slow it was taking to call out her House, which made the hat seem to take even longer.

(New paragraph) "Patience my dear, I see that you are very smart and have great potential, though you are impatient and flaunt your arrogance about like you're already a prodigy...." From there the hat paused, giving Lauren a thousand jittery feelings as she wondered where she would be. "Slytherin!" the hat boomed loudly.

Lauren smiled as she took her place at the Slytherin table, happy with the hat's choice for a House.

Not the worst intro I've seen by far. However, your character is all fault and no positives, which in itself can turn into a type of Sue; B*tchiwitch. Th B*tchiwitch Sue is a Sue that is nasty of temper to everyone all the time, yet somehow gets away with it and is surrounded by loyal friends.

In real life, people who are downright nasty and/or snobbish have friends who are just as rude and likely to backstab each other frequently, especially at the teenage level. I've seen it with someone I know quite often. Thus, I'd advise you to give your character a few positive traits.

Also, your character very clearly follows stereotypes about Slytherins; Slytherins are technically supposed to be cunning and ambitious, which does not necessarily mean they're all 'bad guy' types; bully-type characters could just as easily fit into Gryffindor, as the 'bravery' of Gryffindors could be twisted into meaning they're loud and obnoxious.

As a last note, do you have Microsoft Word or some other program like it that does spell check? While your grammar and spelling isn't quite cringe-worthy, it is certainly distracting. A few typos here and here can be over-looked, but spellcheck goes a long way toward fixing your mistakes. It won't, however, fix confusion between 'your' (possessive form) and you're (contraction made of 'you are'). Therefore, making sure to always learn the difference between the two.

I'm sure you've noticed that I quoted your original post; in it, I have underlined all the spelling/grammar mistakes from your draft and corrected them here in my quoted version. Could you please compare the two? If there's a correction you didn't understand, please let me know. ^^ Also, for a character form, it makes it easier to look at if you bolden and/or underline the parts before the colon (. Example:
Name: Kelley O'Brian

Thank you for your time and patience; I look forward to seeing your pst again.

[Shmiley]

It was strange, exciting and frightening to be standing in dining of the famous Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Voices rang throughout the room and bodies wiggled in excitement or fear like the small body of a young boy named Raven Loveless. He was fairly short, standing only at the height of 4 foot 9 inches tall and weighting under a hundred pounds. His robes hung on his form like drapery on an upside-down skinny triangle. The blackness of the robes contrasted against his white skin and long, flowing white hair, making his light pink eyes glow. His teeth gnawed on his lower lip, said eyes flick back and forth as the bodies moved against his.

The voices trickled down into silence as the Professor told them the basics of the sorting procedure: their name was called, they sat on the stool, the Hat fitted them to a specific house and they joined them at the tables. 'It doesn't sound so bad', the young boy thought as he fiddled with the long sleeves of his robe, a quiet blush sweeping across his white cheeks. He was nervous and jittery, his body shaking beneath his robes, and his legs nearly felt like jello.

One by one, the children sat on the stool and the Hat was placed upon their heads. The decisions were made quickly, each child were sorted to their respective houses and sat the respective tables until he heard his name loud and clear:

"Raven Loveless!"

Stiffening in his spot, his pink eyes widened, his shaky legs carried him up to the stool. His thoughts ran wild as he thought of the possibilities of his chosen house. Would he be in Gryffindor? Slytherin? Ravenclaw? Hufflepuff? He didn't fit Gryffindor. Definitely not Slytherin and Ravenclaw wasn't really him.

Sitting unsteadily on the stool, his hands shook as they rested in his lap and the Hat securely placed on his head. His eyes twisted shut, shoulders hunching and heartbeat picking up as he felt the Hat literally inside his mind.

"Ah, you are very loyal to the friends you have. You are gentle and kind to them and to others who approach you, however you tend to be a little shy and nervous when they give you too much attention or they invade your space. You are easily prone to seclude yourself from others," he said dryly, almost bored with the boy, "Maybe putting you in Slytherin would toughen you up..." Raven's eyes widened and the Hat chuckled, "No... you are not cunning enough for them, so you will be placed in.... Hufflepuff!"

The breath he didn't know he was holding, escaped him and a soft smile graced his fair features as his table cheered. He hopped off the stool, nearly stumbling and he making his way over to the table. Taking his spot at the table, his fellow Hufflepuff greeted him warmly and he knew that was this was the House where he belonged.

[spirit_queen]

Originally Posted by Shmiley

It was strange, exciting and frightening to be standing in dining of the famous Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Voices rang throughout the room and bodies wiggled in excitement or fear like the small body of a young boy named Raven Loveless.* He was fairly short, standing only at the height of 4 foot 9 inches tall and weighting under a hundred pounds. His robes hung on his form like drapery on an upside-down skinny triangle.* The blackness of the robes contrasted against his white skin and long, flowing white* hair, making his light pink eyes glow. His teeth gnawed on his lower lip, said eyes flicking back and forth as the bodies moved against his.

The voices trickled down into silence as the Professor told them the basics of the sorting procedure: their name was called, they sat on the stool, the Hat fitted them to a specific house and they joined them at the tables.* 'It doesn't sound so bad', the young boy thought as he fiddled with the long sleeves of his robe, a quiet blush sweeping across his white cheeks. He was nervous and jittery, his body shaking beneath his robes, and his legs nearly felt like jello.

One by one, the children sat on the stool and the Hat was placed upon their heads. The decisions were made quickly, each child were sorted to their respective houses and sat seated at their respective tables until he heard his name loud and clear;

"Raven Loveless!"

Stiffening in his spot, his pink eyes widened, and his shaky legs carried him up to the stool. His thoughts ran wild as he thought of the possibilities of his chosen house.; would he be in Gryffindor? Slytherin? Ravenclaw? Hufflepuff? He didn't fit Gryffindor. Definitely not Slytherin, and Ravenclaw wasn't really him.

Sitting unsteadily on the stool, his hands shook as they rested in his lap and as the Hat was securely placed on his head. His eyes twisted shut, shoulders hunching and heartbeat picking up as he felt the Hat literally inside his mind.

"Ah, you are very loyal to the friends you have. You are gentle and kind to them and to others who approach you. However you tend to be a little shy and nervous when they give you too much attention or they invade your space. You are easily prone to seclude yourself from others," he said dryly, almost bored with the boy, "Maybe putting you in Slytherin would toughen you up..." Raven's eyes widened and the Hat chuckled, "No... you are not cunning enough for them, so you will be placed in.... Hufflepuff!"

The breath he didn't know he was holding, escaped him and a soft smile graced his fair features as his table cheered. He hopped off the stool, nearly stumbling and he making his way over to the table. Taking his spot at the table, his fellow Hufflepuff greeted him warmly and he knew that was this was the House where he belonged.

Alright, overall, not bad. Typos/grammatical errors distract from some of the story, but the character seems to be good. He almost fits into a stereotype, however, and sometimes placing a character into a stereotype is like falling into a trap you're stuck. However, as I know you in person and have discussed characters with you often before, I know you usually make engaging characters, though you seem to prefer tragic pasts quite a lot.

Editing key: Blue= corrections/suggestions, red= parts needed to be deleted, *= see below for specific remarks on specific sentences.

"Voices rang throughout the room and bodies wiggled in excitement or fear like the small body of a young boy named Raven Loveless." The sentence reads awkwardly, though I know what you were trying to go for. Perhaps something more like, "Voices rang throughout the room and bodies wiggled in fear or excitement, fear like the very small boy Raven Loveless." This way, fear is specified individually as the emotion coursing through the main character. Otherwise, you have to read the sentence twice to be sure of what he's feeling. While elaborated on later, every sentence must be treated as a stand-alone piece of information.

"His robes hung on his form like drapery on an upside-down skinny triangle." The term "upside-down skinny triangle" is awkward and provide a confusing visual. Naming an actual object in a similar shape would help the reader "see" the way his robes hung on his body. For example, "His robes hung on his form like drapery piled over a coat-rack with broad hooks along the top."


"The blackness of the robes contrasted against his white skin and long, flowing white hair, making his light pink eyes glow." Nothing too bad here, you might just want to avoid using the word "white" too much. For example, "The blackness of the robes contrasted against his ivory skin and long, flowing white hair, making his pink eyes seem to glow."

"The voices trickled down into silence as the Professor told them the basics of the sorting procedure: their name was called, they sat on the stool, the Hat fitted them to a specific house and they joined them at the tables." Awkward usage of the colon (. Try to avoid using the colon almost entirely; it would have been a helluva lot easier to make the Professor speak than to attempt listing off events after a colon. Colons are evil...

Welp, that's it! You made it! *cue fanfare* I may be annoying and point out certain errors and the like as you rp... but it's because I like to foster improvement, and because my mom raised me a grammar nazi.