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Jokes Do you know any jokes? Do you want to read some?

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Default Funniest FMLs - 03-27-2012, 07:03 PM

Unfortunately, I can't really post R-rated ones, but I will post the funny wholesome (or maybe not so wholesome!) ones from FML: Your everyday life stories !:

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML


Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to be a diplomat, I slowly say "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says "No thanks jerk, I got it," in plain English. FML


Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML


Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunder storm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML


Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML


Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML


Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML


Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to crap my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML


Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML


Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML



You guys got any super good ones from either the site, or from your own life? Post 'em here!
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Default 03-27-2012, 07:18 PM

Well, a friend of mine once called out "Excuse me, ma'am!" when she saw this person drop some money on the floor. Problem with that? When the person turned round, it was actually a man with long hair. XXD


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Default 03-27-2012, 07:25 PM

To add to Miranda's, my Hubby has the ever constant problem of being called Ma'am when ordering drive-thu's. Poor guy.


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