Alternate endings to Twilight
This is where you can post amusing endings to the book. You may support the sparkles, but if you do, we will NOT support you. Think about this carefully before you post "They had s*x one million times then bella died of liver problems from all the over-reproduction" O_O;;
Rightso. My turn.
Edward and bella were staring up at the stars.
"Oh, I love you so much, Edward" She sighed, as he continued to compress her wrist bones painfully with his claws.
"I know, my beloved PET" said edward nastilly.
"The stars are so pretty.. especially that one" Bella said, pointing up and a very large twinkle in the sky.
Edward stared dumbly at the thing in the sky.
"Bella, that's not a star... OMFG RUN!!!" He said, then dived backwards with bella, almost snapping her clean in half in the process, as the ground where they'd been a minute ago exploded in a cloud of grass and mud.
"It's.. it's... it's a COFFIN!" Squeeked edward meekly, while trying to constrict bella's breathing bye pressing her ribcage.
Just then the door burst off the coffin, and fell on them; this was not as small a thing as it sounded due to the fact the coffin was constructed of reinforced iron.
Something stepped out of the coffin and stood on the lid, with edward and bella still under it. There where some muffled screams.
Alucard glared at the coffin lid.
"I ASSUMED I'd been sent to kill a vampire?" He said, as he stepped off the lid and heaved it off the thoroughly squashed bella and edward.
Just then another coffin fell out of the sky, and this didn't turn out very well as it was made from heavy wood. It splintered upon impact but didn't entirely shatter. A girl in a modified military uniform crawled out and stood up, then grabbed a large rifle from the remains of the wooden coffin.
"Sorry I'm late, master" Seras said sheepishly, and directed her gaze at what appeared to be two humanoid sparklers on the ground, which where struggling to stand.
"What the bloody hell?" She asked sheepishly.
"My thoughts exactly, draculina. I shall check the mission brief page thingy" He pulled a page out of his coat and read the top line aloud.
"Alucard, my servant, you are herebye charged with the execution of two 'Meyerpires' they names be Edward and bella. Go now, and may all the unholy creatures of the night be cast into eternal ****ation. Amen" He finished.
"What is a meyerpire?" Alucard mused.
END OF PART ONE. XD
"I don't know, but we're vampires" Whimpered Edward. Alucard stared bloody evil fury at him.
"You, boy, are the most disgusting, filthy aberation excuse for a vampire I have ever SEEN. I'm thinking you must be the abominations me and the fledgling have been sent to exterminate" Alucard nodded to himself more than anyone else, then pulled the most enormous handgun edward had ever seen out of his pocket, and aimed it at edward, and fired twice.
The meyerpire almost dodged the first bullet, almost. It tore into his shoulder, and then the second bullet crashed into his side, spilling a torrent of blood all over bella.
"AAAAAGGGGGEEEGGGGEGEEGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Screeched bella on the top of her lungs, before scrambling out of the way of a vicious kick from alucard.
"Evade all you wish, meyerpire scum. The night is still young and violent" Giggled the vampire, as his fedora hat and sunglasses vanished.
The two meyerpires forgot about how they 'loved' each other, and scrambled away in different directions. Alucard directed seras to chase Bella while he pursued Edward.
"Don't hesitate to kill the abomination, Seras victoria" He said.
"I won't, master!" She said with conviction as she set off at a run after Bella.
Alucard turned and ran to catch up with Edward. He caught up with the meyerpire rapidly, and quickly circled wide around, then stopped and sat on a tree trunk as waited for edward to arrive. As edward burst into the clearing, alucard brought up his gun. This time his aim was perfect. A high explosive blessed silver bullet flew through the meyerpire's arm, severing it completely. Edward screamed like a girl.
"Comon, get up, sparkleyballs, and fight!" Roared alucard. Edward did just that, leaping at alucard with teeth bared, then screeched like a pig when alucard roughly plucked him out of the air and threw him high above his head.
"How's the weather up there, scumbag?!" Roared the vampire, as edward started to fall down, then landed in a miniature crater in the ground. Alucard had neatly sidestepped, and shot the pool of sparkles a few times. It was still groaning. Alucard lifted it out of the crater and bit into what might once have been it's neck. It screamed, shuddered, and died SCREAMING.
Alucard sighed, then pulled a bag out of his pocket and dropped it onto the corpse. Then he shot it, and the crater of wet mud was suddenly transformed into one of the pits of hell as the powder inside the small bag detonated with enough force to turn a tank to steaming molten metal.
END OF PART TWO. =D
As I already said...
ROCKS FALL. EVERYONE DIES.
Alternatively, the Enclave from Fallout come to eradicate the sparkling mutants. I imagine Meyer's "anti-human" attitude would not sit well with them...
I'd write something longer, but it's late.
^Ooo, they'd hate her. XD
Edward looked coolly at Bella after saving her from the truck. ".. You're ugly and you smell bad."
"But I LOVE YOU!"
"... O_o Okaaay." Edward threw the truck to the side and quickly walked away, leaving Bella bawling her eyes out.
Rather than fall in love with the abomination known as Nessie, Jacob changed into a wolf and tore it in half. He then ran off into the sunset with Leah, who'd magically regained her fertility as Nessie died.
Bella and Edward tried to run after Jacob, but were stopped in their tracks by Buffy the vampire slayer, who appeared out of nowhere to destroy them. She was having a little trouble, well, until Glory also appeared, united with Buffy for the purpose of ensuring that the sparkly meyerpires were ground to powder. This accomplished, they both left Forks.
These aren't really endings, but I'm going to type up random parodies, in no particular order. :P
Bella: "OMG, you're, like, soooo dangerous and hot."
Edward: "You smell... nice? Kind of like that cheap perfume I smelt at the dollar store. I like to smell things. Smells are nice."
Bella: "Thank you, irresistible pale guy! I think I, like, love you!"
Edward: "I can't read your mind. You must be special."
Bella: "Sorry, I spaced out there. What was that you said?"
Edward: "I think you should see the real me. Stand back! I'm dangerous and..."
Edward (steps into the sunlight): "I sparkle."
Bella: "Like, OMG! That's adorable!"
Edward: "I'm not adorable... I'm dangerous."
Bella: "You're like a little sparkly toy! Or maybe a Vegas show girl!"
Edward (looks down): "Wow, way to ruin my manhood."
Edward: "I have something to tell you."
Edward: "I'm a vampire."
Bella: "Really? Like Dracula?"
Edward: "No. Not exactly... The author of this book made us wimps. We're not cool enough to drink human blood. We play baseball though. >.>"
Edward: "I have something else to tell you."
Edward: "I'm a 117 year old virgin."
Jacob: "I like your daughter."
Bella: "Thank you. I like her too."
Jacob: "No. I LIKE her..."
Bella: "Oh. That's cool."
Nessie, upset over her terrible name, goes on a killing spree. She kills her parents and the rest of her "family", then runs - or rather, crawls - away with Jacob, where they live in "peace". Nessie gets pregnant at 12 years old, and Jacob doesn't believe it's his. They end up on Jerry Springer, and Nessie makes sure to get her "Jerry Beads" by flashing the audience. O_O
Edward, Bella, and Nessie all go on a road trip around the U.S. Suddenly, the car blows up, and they all die a terrible and gruesome death. The murderer? A Canadian girl named Hayley. She doesn't get jail time though, because she helped save the world from anymore Mary/Gary Sues being reproduced. Instead, she gets many medals and awards, and they even start a bomb making company in her honour. XD
All the meyerpires meet their match... in Madonna! It doesn't matter that wood can't kill them, they don't stand a chance against Madonna and her surgically enhanced body. She vapourises them with her singing, and uses the resulting glittery powder residue to apply to her cleavage before she goes on stage.
Because, if it was up to me, there wouldn't be a Twilight saga. -.- The world wouldn't know the cruelness of Stephanie Meyers claimed "talent." I wouldn't have to be gagging everytime I have to go to a Hot Topic store. I wouldn't of ruined have of my IQ by reading the horried cack.
Miley Cyrus shows up from out of nowhere, and her voice makes their brains literally explode. xD
Queen sylvanas comes to forks. Arrows fly, blades flash, and the cullens (Along with the rest of the population) are no more. Sylvanas later eats bella's brain with a light touch of vinegar, Then raises everyone else as undead servants.
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