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-   -   Attention Americans! (http://www.thedollpalace.com/forum/jokes/17858-attention-americans.html)

Miranda_ 02-21-2008 03:24 PM

Attention Americans!
 
(In case there's anyone here too slow to understand... THIS IS A JOKE!!! Any posts that make it clear that the person was unable to grasp that concept will be deleted as I really don't have the time or inclination to tell every single thicko what the joke means.)

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words intersper'sed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

Silent_Wolf 02-21-2008 03:51 PM

Oh dear lord. XD This is hilarious!

(I've never been able to eat fries/chips with vinegar, I can't stand the vinegar part. x_x)

kingdomheartskairi1230 02-21-2008 04:14 PM

NOOO! Now i need to sign a permit for a peeler! And the aluminum thing was so right. I actually looked it up XD

And Britan, I killed JFK XD That was my favorite part. "It's driving us mad' XD

AaronShadows 02-21-2008 04:22 PM

Lol, well, Britean may have america, but they'll never get Canada!
Hillarious MIranda. ;-)

TheHayleyDoll 02-21-2008 04:33 PM

Bloody Brilliant!! Especially considering less then half actually apply to Canadians.

Americans don't have beer. Go anywhere else in the world (Canada or Europe, foremost) to see what REAL beer is.

The 'u' and 'ize' thing is SO true. Not to mention the American spelling of doughnut - which I believe is a donut in America. You people are discriminating the letter u by cutting it out all the time. My friends and I are wondering if it's because you're too lazy, or it's too much for your brains to concept.

I heard somewhere that Americans are thinking about changing night to nite, light to lite, etc.

Canada has two national anthems. O Canada and God Save the Queen.

A few more points I shall mention.
1. You did not win the War of 1812, Americans. Canada, thanks to help from British troops (as it was then entitled British North America) ... If you did, Canada would be the U.S. That was the point of that war. The States were running out of room to grow (cause the west half was all full of Natives) and thought we'd be too weak. So technically last time America, the current 'World Power', fought Canada and Britain, they lost. That's when the Star Spangled Banner was written.

2. You were not the only reason Hitler was thrown out of power.You only came in near the end. That was mostly Britain and other European countries. Canada was the ultimate 'safe haven' during that war for people who were escaping his rain of terror, so to speak.

3. Is there a bubble around America, or something? I swear... How many Americans actually KNOW of the country above their borders and how many PROVINCES, not states, we have (Canada)?How many KNOW anything about the country that basically created them (Britain)?

4. There are more guns then people in the States.

5. Canada had not been sending nano-technology into the States through quarters or snow. O.o

I could probably go on forever about America's faults. I won't though because I know the majority of the people on this site hail from that country. I just thought I'd point out some things.

((Please don't yell at me, Patriotic Americans... I don't want to get shot!)) XD

Anyway, HILARIOUS.

Silver_Wolf_Kitty 02-21-2008 08:20 PM

Hayley, I don't think that is taught anymore. As I learned over the past few years, it was a draw. It was only regarded as a "victory" because after the treaty was signed we beat the British at New Orleans, which was only fought because both sides were oblivious to the fact that we weren't fighting anymore. I know my proper American, and world, history.

Anyways, please come and change the chips. I will sing "God Save the Queen" everyday directly before tea time if they were thicker and made with vinegar, that wonderfully delicious substance.

Kiani 02-21-2008 09:45 PM

Hahaha.

I agree, Americans should learn to spell things correctly.

In addition to your u's, ise's and doughnuts, the one thing that really grinds me.

Jail.

Jail is technically not correct, the original and proper spelling is Gaol.

LadyBast0911 02-21-2008 11:08 PM

Why must you pick on us poor Americans? We are completely innocent!!

Although, Hayley, I do know that there is a world outside of America. And there are 9 provinces in Canda, that they are called provinces-not states- and that Britian was the one who founded you. I also know that Mexico is below us along with the rest of Central America. Not all of us are dumb. Just the majority! XD

Also, I do spell some words -our. Like colour or honour or favour. Also, I can not do a British accent. I completely su.ck at it.

That is all...for now.

xPapercut 02-22-2008 04:59 AM

DEATH TO AMERICAN SPELLING! You lazy people.

We're finally kicking America's ass.es! Sorry, I'm a lil bit patriotic. I will eat fat chips and use 'u' and -ise and keep my accent until I die! (I'm rubbish with American accent)

And you know what, we invented the internet and email.
We also hold the record for loudest burp.

Silent_Wolf 02-22-2008 07:38 AM

Whenever I spell something with a u, my teachers go ballistic on me and I end up asking 'why are you freaking out? It's how it's supposed to be spelled, dangit!"

Then they'll tell me, as if I've got half a brain, that we're not British. Eff you, English teachers. -.-


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