Self Harm

[xMae_Babii_X]

I know suicide is the answer, very well do i know that. But it may sound crazy but i can't really control how i think & how life will take me. It scares me @ the thought that i could be in my death bed because i was unhappy. I hope that everything gets better, i always have had hope. It gets hard & i'm unsure what to do.

^^^^^^ I mean i know suicide ISN'T the answer

[Miranda_]

To my mind, suicide is not only cowardly, but extremely selfish. You won't suffer, but your loved ones will; especially if they don't know why you did it. Also, if you throw in the towel and kill yourself cuz of the actions of others, for example, bullying, then they've basically won, and you've lost. Personally, I'd rather live and flip them off.

In any case, if you're thinking this way, you need to get help right away. There are places online you can go, or you can call a helpline, but you must do something about this. Maybe go and see a doctor, in case you are suffering from clinical depression.

[TheHayleyDoll]

Speaking of suicide being selfish... up until a little while ago, attempting to commit suicide was a CRIME in Canada. So, if you were successful, you were dead, and if you were unsuccessful... you went to jail. o_o

Since I'm bipolar, I often have bad days. Yesterday... was a bad day. Sometimes I do tend to think suicidal, but I'd never do that. I usually manage to stop myself before doing anything to drastic. Sometimes I don't even want to kill myself, I just want to make the pain go away for a little while - like, if something bad is going on in my life and I don't want to think about it anymore. Like one time, I grabbed an empty wine bottle, and nearly smashed it over my head, but I managed to take a couple deep breaths, and put the bottle down. I haven't actually seriously attempted it, but sometimes I do get awfully close. I almost hung myself once, but the knot - luckily - wasn't tight enough to hold my weight, so I just fell on the floor and sat there thinking about why I was trying to do this to myself, and the effect it would have on my family and friends. Of course, usually, I tend to think that no one loves me when I'm having a bad day, so sometimes convincing myself is hard.

I just can't bring myself to go through with anything like that, because I get too scared. I don't like pain, which is why I never understood self-harm. I did cut myself before, but I could never do it too deep, because I was just afraid of the pain.

Mental illnesses run in my family. I tend to get through the bad days by listening to music (or singing), or talking to myself (shut up, it works. xD), or talking to a close friend. I don't even generally have to mention that I'm thinking these thoughts, because talking to friends makes me realize that somebody does care about me, and I think how they would feel if I was suddenly dead.

[Moon_Crescent]

I don't like to admit it, but I have a really bad thing about picking at scabs and skin. I have scars all over my legs. Until recently I stopped, and doing my best to get rid of them and clear them up. My mom and I came up with a plan, and for the most part, it's working. The only reason I have these scars is because mosquitoes fricken LOVE me. They always bite me, and I always scratch the bump, bump becomes a scab, I pick at the scab, it heals, scb becomes a scar. I'm really ashamed of what I did, and I'm constantly wearing jeans to keep people from seeing...

[Miranda_]

I've come so far, I really couldn't care less what anyone thinks of my scars. I used to cover up; now I wear short sleeves and to hell with what anyone else thinks. Cuz my skin is pale anyway, the scars aren't as noticable as they would be on someone with tanned or darker skin.

[Moon_Crescent]

Blech. I don't tan, and I'm so pale...might as well be peporoni on cheese, those scars. Id on't know why I started picking though. I think I was close to depressed in third grade or something, I dunno, my house was being fixed and the foundation and *Shudder*. Guess cuz I needed like a stress release, you know?

[Miranda_]

In time, they should fade; I have some scars that were from really deep cuts that needed stitching that now are white and don't stand out much any more.

I try now to express my pain in other ways, like singing along to music, or by writing it down, or talking it thru. It's a constant struggle tho sometimes, especially if it's something really bad.

[noirmali]

Hmm. I'm tan, or at least we can say that against most people. ^^
And it's really noticeable if I start waving my arms around, but most of the time I'm not comfortable wearing T-shirts anyway, seeing as I'm so fat, although lately since it's been...two years? they're starting to fade quite a bit, so it's easier to wear them, although it's cold so there's no reason to wear anything short anyway.

....I'm not sure whether I'm comfortable admitting this, but I might as well tell someone <.<' I admit that I don't like...hurt myself to the extent of drawing blood anymore, but when I get frustrated with myself I rake my nails across my skin, just to feel the pain x.x'
It paralyzes me for a few moments, and that's all I need to feel better; after that I just savour it, and I don't do it twice in a row, or I might start drawing blood if I go over it multiple times, which I don't mind doing, but it shows when I wear shirts, so.... I don't know why, but this is very effective and I don't do it a lot - if I wanted to stop I think I could.
It's just a very helpful stress-reliever. ;__;'

Hmm another thing I do, is if I have scabs, I pick them off too - and often I take the blood, and lick it off my fingers <.<' I don't think that this is counted as self-harm because picking scabs doesn't hurt in any way and I don't do it enough times that I'm like, losing blood to that extent ^^' I sorta like the taste..? o_O Although I know that I may infect my wounds so I'm trying not to do it a lot XD It's easier to not do it when I'm not in P.E., cuz when I am, the first ten minutes are sitting down, while the P.E. teachers get ready. ~_~;

Anyway, I'm not reverting myself back to cutting. That's no good, 'specially with tattley friends like mine.

I guess that's a good thing. ^^'

[Miranda_]

I went from cutting my arms, to cutting my ankles after telling my parents cuz my mum started checking my arms to make sure I wasn't cutting. It was not a good thing. -.- Now tho, I've stopped to a certain extent, tho the last time I had a row with my boyf, I cut my ankle. I felt really bad about doing that, cuz I don't want to go back to cutting. I tend to worry at injuries; I try not to, but it's hard.

[Silver_Wolf_Kitty]

I've found that my scars come out when I tan, though they aren't massively noticeable with everything else. My arms are scarred over from burns and accidents to begin with, so they seem natural there on my blotchy skin. Also, some of my skin no longer tans, so they don't look unusual. I remember seeing them really well when I was younger though, so much so that I avoided going out so that I wouldn't gain color that would make them visible. I suppose though its easier for me to see them because I know what they look like, to anyway else they just look like pale white lines on the tops of my wrists(the ones on my legs are not visible since I never tan them, with good reason).

I find myself doing things like digging my nails into my hands, biting my lip, and sometimes scrapping things along my arms. I try very hard not to do it, but its difficult when its your own body. You can't get rid of every possibility, so it feels like a huge test every time I have to stop myself and gain control.

Miranda, I used to cut my legs to cover it up. In fact, I did it there more since most people never expected to see me in anything other than pants, so it was easy to hide and completely natural. I know how you feel about the fight too, something similar happened with me and my boyfriend in april that resulted in me taking his knife with the intentions to cut and him basically having to attack me once he caught me to get me stop. I remember crying about wanting to so bad, though he was on me so fast when he realized that I never had a chance. I feel awful about it now since I don't want to go back to hurting myself, but its that instant first resort when things become too much.