The Vine - March 2011
Spring has arrived, and with it, our newsletter (fashionably late as usual). Unfortunately, there isn't much to report on in terms of site news.
After a bit of a pause, a new handdrawn contest has been started in the official contest thread, so I suggest checking it out if you want to put your dolling skills to use.
In addition, you are still allowed to host your own contests in the Doll Creation forum. I'd also like to remind contest hosts to keep to deadlines and notify of any extensions, and to post results in a timely manner. Inactive contest threads may be locked.
I've decided to hold off on monthly awards this time, since there has been no artwork, no handdrawn dolls and only 3 dollmaker dolls posted in March. The dolls posted this month will be taken into consideration for next month's awards.
In more positive news, the Horoscope section is returning this month, featuring some truly hilarious and only slightly inaccurate predictions written by Miranda!
Happy birthday to meroneyu, TinkerBell1995, princess_tiara_twinkle, lross, Dollmaker1103, iluvdolphin6, Rain538 and RAiiNBOWxKiiSSES_!
Horoscopes by Miranda
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. This is mainly due to the inescapable fact that every time you open your mouth, an idiot starts talking. Remember that day when you awoke and felt sore? This is cuz aliens abducted you, removed your brain and decided that you were too stupid for further experimentation. Warning: Avoid touching wet paint.
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI. In fact, you are far too boring for this to ever become a reality. You really ought to do something about the fact that you smell of bread and Camembert cheese. Tomorrow, at 9:01am, you will be attacked by a swarm of African bees and will be stung three hundred times. You will escape death by a whisker, disappointing several people.
Best thing you can do this month is keep your head down and play dead. I said you had an intelligent and creative mind, but it's the intelligence of a goat and the creativeness of a baked potato. You will have a good week until Friday. Then, at 11:59pm, just as you think you have escaped the punishment you richly deserve, your parents will decide to commit you to an asylum for the criminally insane. But at least there you will find love.
There are delicious ham sandwiches in your future. Sadly, after consuming them, nothing will ever taste as good again and you will be driven mad searching for the taste of perfect ham sandwiches. Some people make people happy wherever they go; you on the other hand make people happy when you leave. Your neighbours are plotting against you; make sure that you bang on the shared wall at precisely midday tomorrow or bad luck will follow. Pro-tip: Shower, cuz you smell.
You will continue on in your meaningless existence. If you are what you eat, then you are fast, cheap and easy. Beware; in two days the planets will align and nothing whatsoever will happen. However, you will spend the entire day waiting for a sign that never comes. As a result, you will eat two boxes of chocolates and gain ten pounds. This will lose you that lucrative modelling contract you've been hankering after.
Your vanity is disgusting. Your good looks disguise your lack of any decent personality. Little do you know, but the only reason that people say you are creative is due to the fact that you are a compulsive liar. You have the potential to succeed in business; unfortunately, you will not succeed in anything because you are incredibly lazy. You are an arrogant jerk and your friends talk smack about you behind your back.
Beware the Ides Of March. You will narrowly escape death when a German tourist pushes you in front of a train. Here's a riddle for you; what has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? If you said it was yourself, then take consolation in the fact that for once, you were actually right. The good news is... wait, there isn't any good news. Everyone around you hates you. A fly will crawl into your ear and drive you insane with its buzzing.
It's time you faced up to a tricky situation, to which you have been deluding yourself for a long time. If you are stuck on what you should do for a living, here's a tip; Virgos make good choir singers, eunuchs, and nuns. This is due in part to their complete lack of sexual attraction to both the opposite and the same sex, but also because they hardly ever wash. Your mother is out to get you. Pro-tip: Avoid liquorice.
Today, you will eat five Cadbury's Creme Eggs in a row in a pathetic effort to gain the admiration of your peers and will feel sick for the rest of the day. You know how to steal, lie and cheat. That's why you'd make a great lawyer. The penguins are out to get you. In exactly three days, four hours and twenty minutes, you will end up going to bed with someone who will leave you tied to a lampost, naked and robbed of everything you own. Sadly, you will still treasure the only human contact you've had in months.
You're proof that God doesn't exist, otherwise he would have killed you by now. Stop fooling yourself and others. The reason why no-one came to your birthday party was not cuz they mistook the date and venue, it was actually cuz you are an extremely unpleasant person and everyone hates your guts. Warning: Stay inside tomorrow, as the pigeons in your town have marked you down as a potential target for being pooped on. You must be extremely careful for the next three weeks.
Pointy things lurk in your recent future, so make sure that you check thoroughly before you sit down. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Fun fact; the vast majority of Sagittarians are psychopathic and end up residing in rubber rooms for the rest of their miserable lives. To prevent this happening to you, make sure that you drink a pint of engine oil at least once a week. You will mistakenly dye your hair bright orange midweek; this is punishment for aspiring to blondeness.
You finally realize that your life-time goal of destroying the world is self-defeating and sink into a lifelong depression. You believe that you are a wit, and you're half right. On Tuesday, you will bend over to pick up a coin and slip a disc in your back. Bananas will give you good luck. You take a repulsive delight in spelling out rude words on the Scrabble board. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting it at friends. At least one of those friends will stick a "Kick Me" sign to your back this week.
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