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Default Horrorscopes contd. - 09-25-2013, 12:55 PM

You often wonder what your purpose on this earth is, but what you fail to appreciate is that you are already influencing the lives of everyone people around you. You inspire them to be better people and move themselves on to greater things. Mainly because they dread the idea of ever ending up like you. You might be pleasantly surprised to discover just how many of life’s problems can be solved just by not paying the appropriate amount of attention to them. Of course, on the flip side other problems will mount up and become hazardous, but everyone needs a bit of intrigue in their lives. Try removing yourself from your comfort zone every so often. The nature of the society we live in means it’s easy to get stuck in a rut and repeat things on a daily basis. But pushing yourself can revitalise the soul. At least it proves you have one!

Every day you learn something new. Today’s lesson will be bizarre and slightly scary, when you realise that in certain less-than-legitimate circumstances monkeys can be found in a barrel, and said barrel can be found on your doorstep. It’s actually quite ‘mad’ too. You can remove crayon drawings from walls or doors by simply heating them on a low setting with a hairdryer, then wiping off the remaining colours with a wet and slightly soaped cloth. Then remove the children that did them from your home, with a catapult. Alternatively, you can take them to a forest and leave them there with a crust of bread. Make sure that you warn them appropriately about strangers, particularly those who live in houses made of gingerbread. Then again, on second thoughts...

If you’re thinking of revamping your image, then you should find something chic - but also a little unexpected. The unusual could affect you in different ways – you may become the new talk of Nottingham, or you could end up talking to about someone right honourable about the indecent exposure act. Here's a handy hint: now that winter is on its way, you might want to consider covering up a little more. Blue skin is only attractive to Smurfs, and I don't think you want any of those roaming around the house, do you? If you’re looking for words of wisdom, there are many places you can find it. Some people go back to study, some find religion and others find the answers within. But three o'clock on a Sunday morning, drunk off your face, kebab in hand, shouting at the bus shelter won’t get you anywhere. So why do you keep on doing it?

You have hit some kind of buffer at work. It may be that the traffic doesn’t move fast enough and you feel that you’ve come as far as you can in your current role, so it’s time to move into a faster lane. Whatever the difficulties are, deadly road rage against the boss never hurt anyone except him. Pluto is waning in such a way that suggests that in the next week you should beware of ghosts and ghouls that plan on bursting from the underworld and dragging you down into the world of the dead. In every strange nook and crevice lies danger; the dark space under your bed, the mysterious corners of your lecture theatres, the common rooms of certain colleges… Then again, Pluto has been acting stroppily ever since it was demoted from planet status, so it could just be making it up in a cry for attention.

Sometimes you have to give in to your body's demands. You've tried everything you can think of to lose a few extra pounds. Unfortunately, the truth is that you have all your best ideas while eating fry-ups and gargantuan-sized bowls of ice cream. The fact is, the universe is playing a huge and elborate joke on you so the best thing you can do is just lie back and accept that you will never have a svelte body like the girl next door. And you wouldn't want to, believe me. Her skinny figure is entirely due to the accidental ingestion of a tapeworm which will eventually reach her brain and kill her. Doesn't feel so bad to be breaking paving stones every time you walk down the street now, does it?

You’re right that nobody seems to understand the excruciating personal pain and trauma you are currently going through. But having to constantly listen to you whining on about it is a torture of a whole different kind. You risk the humiliation of your friends dumping you en masse to go and hang out with the scary Cancer, for the simple reason that risking life and limb on a Saturday night down the pub is a far more exciting prospect than spending ten minutes in your company. However, life is on the up for you this week, for once. You will discover the deep power of chain letters this week when you suddenly get so busy that you unintentionally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever. Now you no longer have to waste your time sending them on or spending money on stamps to mail them! Wasn't that worth learning?

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