09-25-2013, 12:54 PM
Horrorscopes by Miranda.
A black cat falling onto the windscreen of your car this week will lead you to believe that this was the ‘sign’ you had been waiting for. You will decide that no longer shall you wait for the opportunities to fall your way, but that you will be making your own luck from now on. The very next morning, you will find that the hitchhiker who you refused to pick up on the grounds that you were late for work anyway was in fact a serial killer and you had a very lucky escape. Take heart from this extraordinary piece of luck and take it as read that your life will improve, very slightly. That's the best that you can hope for anyway, so please don't set your sights too high or you will be disappointed.
This week you will be woken by the sound of a smashing window and discover there is an intruder in your house. The burglar is surprisingly quick to flee, equipped as he is with no weapon, but your decision to chase him will result in you being run over by a milk float. However, you check the contents of your house later, after your ejection from hospital, to find that there was nothing missing. The erstwhile thief opened your fridge and was so repulsed by its contents that he decided to probe no further into your house out of purest fear. It might be a good idea to throw that milk away before it mutates any further and becomes a new race which takes over the Earth. You wouldn't want that on your conscious, now would you?
Not even the most intelligent person can win an argument effectively if they do not have the right tools. So make sure you have a crowbar and a chainsaw on hand before you confront that person you’ve been disagreeing with. No bad things can possibly result from this. What, you don't believe me? Don't make me call down a posse of drunken Chelsea fans to beat some sense into you. Anyway, you have enough on your plate right now. I know you've been convincing yourself that the odd noises you hear at night is just the house settling but actually, a nest of rats has moved into your kitchen. Do something about them right now before they take over the house, declare squatters rights and you find yourself being booted out unceremoniously into the street.
A wagging tail means your cat is either indecisive or angry. It either wants to do two things at once and cannot make up its mind which action to take, or it wants you to stop holding it down so it can scratch your eyes out. Take this as a sign for what to do for the rest of the week. Basically, you've already irritated all your friends far too much this month, it will take just one more thing before you get a punch to the face. You might like to comfort yourself by telling yourself that you're a unique individual and some people just can't hack that, but in reality, you're an annoying, cretinous person who speaks before thinking and who provokes people to fantasise about setting about you with a bag of spanners.
Sometimes strong emotions can get the better of you. It’s important to take time to reflect and breathe before you act. The wisest decisions are made after a good nights sleep. If you still feel angry in the morning then your decision is made. However, remember these wise words before you go outside and key your neighbour's car. Do not sign your name. Follow this advice, and you can be sure that you won't receive a free trip to the police station and a pair of silver bracelets later on in the day. Also, remember that revenge is a dish best served cold... but a close second is a hot dish thrown all over the offender. You’ve always thought your life would be better if you could locate a flux capacitor, go back in time and teach your younger self a few things. But you might find it a tad depressing this week when you find out you’ve actually tried that already.
You have been thinking about giving up smoking this month, haven't you? Well, it's probably not what you want to hear, but I would advise you to forget it. You see, the calming influence of nicotine is the only thing stopping you from grabbing a chainsaw and going postal on your hapless town. You are a seething mass of rage, so I'd advise smoking even more and possibly eating more chocolate, too. Try to cut back on the alcohol tho as you are one mean drunk under the influence, and all your friends are scared of you. Try and wear more colours this week other than black. It will cheer you up and possibly others as well. You don't want people mistaking you for one of the villains of horror movie fame, do you?