08-02-2013, 07:08 AM
I have struggled with personal appearance and self love and just being happy for as long as I can remember. I have been diagnosised with ADD and was diagnosised with Bipolar but I was able to be undiagnosised due to moving out of my moms. I think a lot of that had to do with my emotional state of mind at my moms.
When I growing up, I was always teased and picked on for being weird or outgoing or compassionate. I grew up with more four leg friends than two. I also got a long better with adults than kids my own age. I can remember being in art class and American Idol was going on with Carrie Underwood. Well I can remember one of the boys saying that "Carrie underwood is hot, but that carrie (pointing at me) is not." I can remember being called weird, a baby cause I cried a lot, and ugly. It wasn't until 6th grade that I finally grew a spine. But even through my middle school and high school years, I was still picked on, but I was able to dish it right back.
During my Jr. year, I met this amazing guy who eventually became by boyfriend (now ex) and he finally taught me that was beautiful and pretty and I could finally let a lot of hatred and pain go. Both from my personal life and from school life.
And for about 2years I was happy. I went off my ADD meds and I gained about 40lbs. My moms side of the family didn't like this. And anytime they can make me feel fat or ugly, they do it. I felt healthier tho and tried to explain that too them to no avail. Thenhe and I went our different ways and I found out that two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. It hurt because everything he ever said to me felt like a lie. And then on top of it I had my family telling me that I was fat and that I needed to go back on my ADD meds for a weight loss program. It was like adding salt to the wound.
I still have image issues. My mom always tells me to not be a pig and that I have to big of butt and ****s. If she had her way, I would have already had a breast reduction. I would be around 110lbs and I would never speak. I love my mom to death and would do anything in the world for her but when this happens, I don't want to be apart of her life.
I still have image issues. I want to lose body fat when I come home from vacation. I am going to start changing for me tho. I want to start walking and jogging, build up my stamina. There are times when I look in the mirror and I cry because I hate what I see but at other times I smile because I am happy. But I have a new motto: Carpe Diem. Seize the day! I am finally becoming happy with who I am and not seeing myself through my family's eyes. And that is what is important. To be happy with yourself for no other reason than because you are you.
And Cat, you are GORGEOUS! You have a stunning personality and body to match. Only change for you and no one else!