07-31-2013, 06:54 PM
I didn't know if this is the proper place to post this but I felt like I needed to get this off my chest. I know feeling these types of things is part of being a teenage girl for the most part, but I felt like it would be beneficial for me to post.
Lately, meaning ever since I started on my weight loss "journey" almost a year ago, have been comparing myself to every other girl physically. I have lost about 30 lbs but I still have more to lose because when I started I was about 55 lbs overweight.
Recently I have been comparing my self facially to other girls too, not just body-wise. I just have never felt pretty enough compared to other girls. I rarely ever get male attention -- yeah I know not like the boys are so great at this age but it would be nice to be called beautiful or pretty sometime by the guys.
I think most of it stems from bad experiences I have had when I was younger. I have heard on many occasions that guys have called me "ugly, fat, etc" and said that they would "never date me". I remember in 6th grade at a football game there was a grassy area inside the stadium where I was hanging out with my friends and for some reason I started running and this guy yelled at me "Run fat b*tch run!". One of my "friends" from elementary school told my other friend that I was "ugly and fat and would never get married". I still remember the pain and humiliation that comes along with these moments.
I'm not saying that my confidence is completely gone -- with no more bangs, contacts, and 30 lbs gone, I feel a lot more confidence in my appearance. Some days I look in the mirror and like what I see. And then most days, I look at my stomach and my face and I get very upset. I know a little bit of it is patience -- I know, or atleast I hope because I have been doubting myself lately -- that I will lose the last 25 lbs (or maybe less depending on what my body looks like and what I feel comfortable with). I have gained a bit of obsession with lifting my shirt in the mirror and checking out my stomach even in public. I used to weigh myself everyday.
I know this sounds really cliché, but I want more than anything to be comfortable with my own skin.
WHAT A LONG, STRANGE TRIP IT'S BEEN