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Default 07-12-2013, 01:33 PM

Leo
You’ve been feeling an increasing need to smack a loved one upside the head. When you do attempt to fulfill this desire, make sure you have an alibi and some fool ready to take the fall for you. If you are alive, you might or not might enjoy a birthday this month. Your friends will be incredibly generous this year. They will arrange a big birthday bash in your honour but will forget to invite you. Try to forgive them their trespasses. After all, you have been stealing all of their birthday gifts throughout your entire life! Your neighbour is beginning to realize that you have been spying on him. It’s best to remove all the surveillance equipment perched over the wall. Deny that you ever had a neighbour if the police come to question you.

Virgo
Beware of friendly looking dogs this month. Our sources tell us they’ve been conspiring against you. Also avoid pink pillows that wink in the dark and chairs that appear to mock you as you walk by. You’ve been letting your anger get the better of you lately. You must learn to forgive your enemies. Nothing will annoy them more. You’ll have one of those days where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed because, long story short, someone pushed you. You know who it is, so give them a good kick to stop them doing it again. It's the only way that they'll ever learn. The truth always hurts, which is why you knock out a guy for calling your dress “ugly”. Don't feel too guilty; he had it coming.

Libra
Beware of those who come to you for help this month; they may be trying to use you. For what? That’s hard to say. You certainly don't have the brains to give out anything worth having. Perhaps they have just come to steal your shoes. Chances are that you'll do nothing of any merit this week. A co-worker will smile at you. It may mean something, or they may just be trying to be friendly. You never can be too sure with smiles, so beware... it could be a bad sign. The one that you bump into cuz you're too busy checking your Facebook on your phone is certainly a bad sign. You will have a black eye due to your carelessness all month so try and find a good concealer to cover it up so people aren't constantly asking you who punched you.

Scorpio
Your sense of humor will get you into trouble once again this month. The only way to avoid being lynched is to gag yourself effectively and to count sheep until the urge to speak passes. Here's a fun fact; nearly all Scorpios are either murdered or become murderers. Which are you, I wonder? When you wake up on Tuesday morning, you will discover that your bath is filled with tomato sauce, that your ability to not bump into the walls is gone, and that dinner is burning. Have you kept up to date with the animal sacrifices? I thought not. Perhaps you ought to do one now, just in case. That is one angry god that you have to appease this month, so I would get on that right now if I were you.

Sagittarius
Saying that you look like the back end of a bus is an insult to all buses everywhere. You may grow concerned about your weight this month. This is due to a number of factors, not least of which is your weight-based star sign. Many who are unfortunate enough to be born under the sign of Sagittarius are morbidly obese. However, you can change your destiny if you work hard! You are sympathetic and understanding toward other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You were abducted by aliens three days ago. They took out your brain, examined it, and decided that you were not intelligent enough for further experimentation. You think that your dreams actually mean something profound. Guess what, they don't.

Capricorn
Your friends are planning an intervention. Your love for world domination is really beginning to weird everyone out. You really must learn to take time off from your day job to relax a bit. There is no shame in admitting that you need help and usually others are only too happy to offer their services. Helping others makes them feel better anyhow, so consider yourself as doing them a favour by taking up their offer. Your paranoia can get often the better of you. That guy who keeps knocking on your door every morning is just the postman trying to deliver a parcel. And those voices in your head are only trying to reassure you that you’re not actually crazy. You’re finally ready to forgive yourself for the most embarrassing moment of your lifetime and move on with your life. However the fact that it’s still getting 50,000 hits a day on YouTube is still a bit of a pain.


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