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Miranda_ (Offline)
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Default 07-12-2013, 01:32 PM

Horrorscopes

Aquarius
Here are three facts about you. One, people love you. Two, you're a good example of why some animals eat their young. And three, you're so gullible you actually believed the lie in fact one! Any part of your personality that is wilful or possessive could be exposed this week, for there are opposing forces determined to bring out the best or worst in you. So drink less or you'll regret it. You have a great talent that no-one else has: you are so annoying that the mere look of you makes people want to stab you in the eye with a scalpel. So my advice to you this month is to avoid hospitals and clinics, and to wear a bag over your head if you must visit one... which will be likely after something bad happens to you next week.

Pisces
Some people from your past will be thinking deeply about you this week…when they burn an effigy in your likeness. You have made some very powerful enemies in your past; I would think about hiring police protection or at least making a sacrifice to the gods if I were you. Your face is grey from eating too much junk food. You know that funny square item in your kitchen that makes things hot? That's called a cooker and it would make sense to use it once in a while instead of just getting a McDonalds every week. You've been there so often that you're on first name terms with the staff and they always send you a card on your birthday. Then again, they are the closest thing to having friends; due to your unlikeable personality, most people avoid you like a dead fish on a hot plate.

Aries
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal, but on the other hand make the same mistakes again and again. Basically, everyone thinks you’re a twit. They won't say so to your face, but guess what, everyone discusses you behind your back constantly. That solves the mystery of why your friends always stop speaking to each other when you come up! You will find a half penny coin on the floor of your room. The joy of discovering this outdated piece of legal tender will be immeasurable. Remember this feeling when you go to try use it in an arcade or parking meter, messing up the machine for the rest of us, and don’t. Don’t be that person. Do you want to be even more hated than you are already?

Taurus
You are bull headed and thick skulled. Stones just bounce right off your head, and there have been many people throwing stones, lately. You know what I'm talking about, don't try and act all innocent around me. That saying, "A fool never learns" could have been made for you. You will never be respected cuz you just keep on performing the same random acts of idiocy over and over again. Your attitude this week needs to be one of understanding rather than anger or rejection. So, say, if someone takes the last beer from the fridge, seek to understand their reasoning rather than instantly condemning them. Or if the same person steals your food. Or uses your car without your permission. Just… trust me on this.

Gemini
Go listen to Dark Side of the Moon. Don’t ask me why. The week will just be infinitely better if you do. You probably won't listen to this good advice, so look out on Wednesday this week when you will be forced to admit I was right all along. Ha! I'm looking forward to that, even if you're not. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. This is the cause of your downfall this Wednesday. In other news, you are very demanding of those around you, which means you are an idiot. Shut the hell up or someone is going to kill you. Upon engaging people in public you will experience light tension due to realizing that we’ll all either die suddenly or after a long period of debilitation. Your bed sheets are the wrong colour.

Cancer
Now that it's finally summer, you can quit wearing all black clothes and dig out your summer clothes in pastel colours. Do it. No-one wants to be driven to depression by looking at your black clothes and unsmiling face. You have a responsibility to the world at large to cheer the hell up. And stop listening to REM, for god's sake. At the time of the full moon, when your true personality comes to the fore, you will experience many new things. Don't try to resist it; just relax and enjoy it. You may find that you actually like howling at the moon and chasing down prey in the moonlight. For once, quit trying to plan everything and just go with the flow! It'll be worth it, I promise. Close friends and relatives will shower you with gifts and chocolate. Apparently someone started a rumour about you winning the lottery and it is best to just go with it.


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