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Default 04-28-2013, 02:23 PM

Leo
This month you will be suffering from whatís known as Brain Freeze. In some cases this is a legitimate issue, in others it is just a zombie treat. Just remember, drinking and drugs will not solve all your problems. That's what chocolate is for. Never compare yourself to anyone or it will cause you agony, it will give you sleepless nights, it will cause you stress, drive you to insanity and ultimately it will lead you to a negative thought process which will stay with you till the day you die. Many things will happen around you this month. You will have sooo much to tell your friends but unfortunately your information bank will start to crash. You may find yourself continuously suffering from a short-term memory loss or the selective-memory-syndrome. Though it is not always a bad thing.

Virgo
This month an enchanted toad will ask you to kiss it on the lips so that it may transform itself into the most beautiful member of the English royal family. Try not to oblige if you can help it. Thereís a warrant out for its arrest in four separate states. Family members will tend to pester you with their sage advice this month. No matter how annoying they get, remember that therapy is expensive but bubble wrap is for free. Youíve been through a lot recently and to stand up and try again at something you failed before shows great character and further depths to your soul. If you donít succeed this time then at least youíve given it your best effort and there can be no doubt itís time to start moviní on up like M People never actually managed to do.

Libra
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And you decided to wear that? Even Elton John might wince at that colour combination. Who said Librans are romantic? They are meant to be but you really have lost the plot. You are not flirting, not socialising, and not doing enough about it. Do you even know what the word ĎRomanticí means? Go and do some of that romantic stuff. Maybe that way youíll accomplish finer partners in life. Youíre selfish, awfully short tempered, occasionally too impulsive, impatient, reckless and narrow minded, whilst you, of course, you think best of yourself, so youíll believe that none of those are true. Well, guess what cookie, itís not just your way or the highway. Itís actually one way, or at least one way for you. And that is straight to hell, and no way back! Enjoy the sizzler!

Scorpio
You are pompous and patronising. Your dogmatic attitude is getting boring. You will truly help yourself if you stop bossing around and stop interfering in other peopleís business. You think you are the best thing in the universe, but really you are intolerant and no one likes you. Fix up! Please!!! Do something about it! PS: you do have an ok sense of humour on Saturdays, so feel free to express yourself then. Your jealousy and resentfulness is driving a lot of your friends to insanity. You are a compulsive obsessive, which also makes you a maniac. You are revengeful, weird and just plain scary! And you have secretive stalking tendencies. Leave people alone, really, you psycho!

Sagittarius
If you donít watch yourself this month youíll end up sleeping like a rock, literally. Youíll wake up in a flower bed with a house key under your belly. This month you will be very courageous. Do not confuse courage for stupidity. It is time for you to stop daydreaming and get back to reality. Failing to tune into the reality will result in you missing out on all the new and exciting things taking place within the real world. You think that you are the world's best at barbequeing but people only say you are so as not to hurt your feelings. In actual fact, you are the worst cook in the entire world and your friends would prefer it if you stayed away from the outside cooking entirely and quit trying to poison them.

Capricorn
Youíll trip over a tree root. When you look up youíll see a big mouth with or without teeth. You will keep on staring up at the talking tree in horror. Not to worry though. Talking trees are friendly, itís the biting trees you got to watch out for. If you meet those, just sing the "giggle at the ghosty" song; your singing is enough to remove any threat from your path, even biting trees. People say revenge is the most worthless of causes. Well, donít listen to them. After all, what the hell do they know? You are too unpredictable, often unemotional and becoming increasingly detached. You claim to be honest, but that is short lived and your best friend thinks youíre a nutjob who needs to be locked away. Apart from all that, everything's cool.


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