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Default 04-28-2013, 02:19 PM

Horrorscopes

Aquarius

Your thought process resembles toilet tissue paper. Pour something moist over it and it will disintegrate. Your string of thoughts can easily dissolve. You need to focus. Recycle your old thoughts if you must, and stay solid. Like a fragile, delicate, shivering strawberry, you will be helplessly looking at another sad situation, but your fragile state of mind and your chronic lack of confidence will hold you back. Ripen up this month, soak in enough information so that you can lie convincingly. You still have time to make your mark on the world.

Pisces
Have you ever had tabasco hot sauce in your eyes? If so, you know the feeling, something similar may happen this month if you are not careful. Feeling trapped? Again? …Kindness is a trap. Tell your friends and relatives not to be so kind to you anymore! Today the words “Because I said so” will either get you ignored or punched in the face. Don't say we didn't warn you. You will own the remote control in a room full of people and have an uncanny ability to select a programme no one wants to see. Watch your back. Your uncanny ability to irritate and annoy will come back to bite you in the butt this month so be warned.

Aries
Just stay still, if you stay still it can't find you. That's sharks, you idiot. Sharks and dinosaurs. This isn't Jurassic Park. If you do not have anything appropriate or pleasant to say to other people, you will please restrict your remarks to the weather. In other words, keep your mouth shut this month. This summer you will take up a hobby that nobody thinks is cool but you. If you have any friends left after what you did last week, they might be making their excuses not to see you this month. Note: Do not use this isolation thing as an excuse not to wash. You still have to leave your place of residence occasionally and you don't want to subject shop assistants to that.

Taurus
Sooner or later you will be recognised as somewhat of a supernatural horror enthusiast. Be warned; believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. Don’t forget to turn off your lights at night. And for god's sake, don't go down into the basement when you hear noises there. Run out the door and use your mobile to call the cops. This is 2013, not 1913, you know and if you don't want to become a horror movie cliche victim, you'd better remember it. Someone will ask you, “What do you like about your job?” Your response will be, “My chair spins.” Perhaps it's time to find another... job or chair, either works. You also might want to consider occasionally wearing a different shirt for once.

Gemini
Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere... You would be much happier about your test results coming back negative if it wasn’t a personality test. You have personality issues, dear friend. It would be great for everyone if you could do something about it. A clothing explosion will happen in your bedroom. Not to worry as those types of explosions can always be 'unexploded' later. Be careful on your road to soul searching though as there will be a whole load of monsters to defeat on the way! Luckily there will be no monsters in your bedroom this month. As for next month... I really cannot say. Be patient and wait for next month's horrorscope.

Cancer
You’re a powerful force to be reckoned with but this may be a temporary phenomenon. You will gain extra power and strength form some of the most unworldly sources. But there is a source close to you, a dark channel that will fold you back down to the ground. Remember, the devil wears many disguises. When you walk through the valley of death you shall fear no evil, for you are the evillest b*tch in the valley. But do you want to stay evil and forever in the valley? Find someone to turn on your satnav and get you the hell out of there before you're lost forever. Make sure this month that you try and wear other colours, black might be slimming but it's only accentuating your evil aura.


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