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Miranda_ (Offline)
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Default 03-08-2013, 11:00 AM

Leo
This month we may finally see you go from shabby to chic! This will be a positive step forward, as you will make a substantial improvement to the landscape. If only every month was March! In the midst of this busy social time, the Stars wanted to remind you that slow and steady wins the race and d'oped up and in denial gets you the Lance Armstrong treatment. Don't act all innocent and pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about; you know d'amn well and should take this advice to heart before something happens to you. Someone will be brutally honest with you today. Instead of giving in to your urge to punch them in the mouth, listen to what they’re saying. Who knows, maybe you can correct an annoying habit so everyone doesn’t hate you quite so much.

Virgo
It is not always good to be social. Many of your relationships may get scrambled this month. Why not avoid human contact all together? Then there will be no-one around to judge you as you eat your way thru seven Easter Eggs at the end of the month. Adopting a homeless animal should be postponed until spousal debate over nature vs. nurture is resolved satisfactorily. Until then, frolic in the park with random dogs until they are whisked away by suspicious strangers. A word of advice; hiding chocolate eggs around the house is a bad idea cuz you'll never be able to just leave them there for the children to find. You'll just eat them all yourself, and then have to deal with the tears and tantrums of the dispossessed children.

Libra
It will probably come as a surprise to you, oh empty headed Libra, but you are living beyond your means with those endless trips to the mall. Here's a clue; when the shop assistants know you by name, it's time to cut back on the shopping trips a little. You will have a positive day today… as long as you stay inside, avoid your family, turn off your phone, don’t watch TV, leave the computer off, refuse to read newspapers, avoid all foods that are processed and/or make you gassy, avoid the corners of your coffee table and just stay in bed all day. Otherwise, your day will be crap as usual. One more piece of advice... for the love of cheese, look at what you’re wearing! No wonder no one respects you!

Scorpio
Everything about you screams who and what you are. You will get bored and sound sarcastic and behave in that superior way and simply assume you are in command. Fortunately for you, at this moment you are not in sole control of your soul. Do you remember that night when you got completely plastered and ended up selling your soul to that strange redheaded girl dressed in black? Of course you don't, but believe me when I say that she is taking good care of your soul and will continue to do so. A lot better than you yourself could, actually. So quit worrying, relax and enjoy yourself this month. Just don't get out the sandals yet, as it's not summer yet and wearing them will make you look like an idiot.

Sagittarius
Everyone knows that your complaints that “life is holding you back” are just excuses because you’re too stupid and lazy to actually do anything better. Change your attitude (and your underwear) and things will get better. The truth always hurts. You will prove this saying without a doubt this month when you punch out a man who said that your dress was ugly and made you look fat. There is an evil plan for you; it is in your design; it is in your horrorscope. It’s just hard to pinpoint what it is and whether it will actually take place this month. Oh well, we’ll just have to wait and see…

Capricorn
You'll have to make some unexpected decisions with a change of scenery in the next weeks. So when you wake up from your big all weekend party and find you've been made queen of a small rainforest tribe, remember your humility before agreeing to sacrifice your b'itchy friend to the gods. (Though it would be rad to spook her a little bit before you set her free.) After a really bad day at school or work near the end of this month, you will go home and consume an entire tub of Ben & Jerry's icecream and never speak of it to anyone you know. This will be your turning point and things will improve after that. Try to widen your social circle this week. All your current friends are losers that just use you for free rides to the mall.



Last edited by Miranda_ : 03-08-2013 at 11:03 AM.
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