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Miranda_ (Offline)
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Default 03-08-2013, 10:59 AM

Horrorscopes

Aquarius
The new moon in your sign on Thursday combined with Mars speaks of a new kind of energy, drive and initiative which means you've no chance of getting out of doing the ironing. You are inclined to be careless and impractical, which causes you to make the same mistake over and over again. It's time you faced up to a tricky situation, to which you have been deluding yourself for a long time. Watch out! Something quite amusing will take place around you this month! So amusing that you may fall off your chair! If you’re an egg, you’ll crack to the bone. If you’re a bunny… you’ll still crack to the bone. A big fluffy carpet under your chair may save your butt! Just make sure you don't leave chocolate there; it's a killer to get out of carpets.

Pisces
You will finally finish off the last of the candy in your Easter Basket, and you will continue to feel resentful that you did not receive any Cadbury Creme Eggs this year. Bury your resentment; you were sent some but they were accidentally delivered to a Cancer who ate them and did not point out the mistake to the courier. You might say you have a clear conscience, but really, you just have a bad memory. Your karma bank is dangerously low on funds, so you might want to do some voluntary work to make up the deficit before something really terrible happens to you at the end of the month. I'm not telling you what it is, but it's connected to empty cider bottles and peanuts. I'm sure you can make the connection.

Aries
Contrary to the archetypal standard, not every white rabbit should be followed because sometimes you just get left standing in a barren field surrounded by horse manure. Or some such analogy. Just as well, really; the last time you tried getting down a rabbit hole, you ended up having to call the fire brigade and then having to endure the constant snickering from people who you thought were your friends. You will spit on everyone you speak to this week. Don’t be surprised if someone punches you in the nose while screaming the words, “Say it; don’t spray it!” Actions speak louder than words, and it's better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Taurus
Someone in your immediate family will fall off of a cliff and leave you a large inheritance. Unfortunately, rather than large monetary gains, you will receive a large pitbull that likes to nuzzle next to a pile of bones that he collected from the “Missing” neighbourhood children. You might want to clam up and claim ignorance if any of the parents contact you in the following month. You will be causing yet more distress to children when, while driving home late at night, you run over the Easter Bunny. Suspicion will pass you by for the murder, but only if you resist the temptation to display the chocolate eggs you rifled his corpse for prominently about the house. Save them for after Easter; if anyone asks then why you have them, say you have a miserable life and that will seem like a perfect excuse.

Gemini
Bet you wish you'd learned how to cook after all; the ready meals you've been buying for the past two years do not contain prime beef at all. Instead, they contained a mixture of horse, hedgehog and bear meat. Serves you right for being too lazy to learn. But at least the bear meat will make you a bit braver. If you decide to go on any outing today, it might be wise to hide some money in your socks, so you have enough money for bus fare when your car, wallet, and trousers are stolen from you. Do not be tempted to take photos and post them on Facebook, lest you become the face of this month's newest meme and your shame is replicated several thousand times over on various websites.

Cancer
There is no shame in admitting that you need help and usually others are only too happy to offer their services. Helping others makes them feel better anyhow, so consider yourself as doing them a favour by taking up their offer. Especially if said help is offers of money that you don't have to pay back. Your diet this month will take a bashing, as it's a very rare Cancer who's able to resist free chocolate eggs; you will receive several as gifts at the end of the month. Remember that people get upset and hurt if their kind gifts are refused, so be a nice person and accept and eat those Easter Eggs. Believe me when I say that Easter chocolate does not count towards your diet, and try to be happy, or at least stop moaning about the weather.


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