View Single Post
(#6 (permalink))
Old
belladoggy's Avatar
belladoggy (Offline)
Senior Member
Hand Drawn
 
Posts: 1,161
Join Date: Feb 2007
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn
Rating: 2 Votes / 5.00 Average
Default 03-05-2013, 09:54 AM

I was actually going to mention that the first time I tried to critique this (before I realized my formatting wasn't working). It's something we work on in German, so I am very aware of sentence variance. You can try just re-writing the sentences you've already written in different ways. For example, the suggestions Lovie made are all good, and you can also add more. By that, I mean that you can re-write the same sentence multiple ways and see what you like. It's just an exercise, but I find it can really help broaden your sentence structure and vocabulary. Thesauruses are beautiful tools

I'll come back later to show you what I mean about unnecessary wordage, but it's very hard to explain without showing which words I think should be struck out. I'll probably do what Lovie did and post both your version and mine in varying font colors; hopefully that will help. All I can say at this point is that eliminating unnecessary words is just as important to your story as choosing the right words. That is, it's like music: even during rests, where there is no sound, the music has a message. What you decide NOT to say is just as important as what you do choose to say.



Av/Sig set: Lovie
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
Reply With Quote