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LancasterPrincess (Offline)
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Default 03-03-2013, 09:31 PM

I don't have time to read the whole thing, but I read up until the Lavender Tree part.

My CC is that this sounds more like a diary entry than a book. There are WAY too many "I"s.

Instead of starting every other sentence with an "I" try to re-word things. For example Red is yours, Blue is mine:


I bolted awake. I looked around my small shabby room. "It was just another dream," I told myself. I got up and made my bed and then headed to the kitchen.

Suddenly, like a bolt of lightening, everything was back to real life. A dream; just another dream. Shaking the image out of my head, I slipped out of bed and headed down to the kitchen.

I shook my head in disgust and kept walking. I finally made it to the town square and found my friend at the Lavender Tree.
The Lavender Tree is the only tree that has bloomed since Xavaster's reign. It actually seems to grow bigger and brighter each year. It's very precious to Lavender City. I'm surprised Xavaster hasn't cut it down yet.


Disgust enveloped me, but I kept on walking. The town square was just about the only place left that was lovely, and it was all due to the Lavender Tree. Full of blooms that have not been seen elsewhere since Xavaster's reign. In fact, it has grown larger and brighter every year since. Like a beacon of hope, it is very precious to Lavender City. It's very surprising Xavaster hasn't cut it down yet.

I hope that's the kind of CC you were hoping for. You seem to have a good story, but there's just so many "I, I, I, I, my, my, my" that the story loses the reader. Try changing up your sentences, using larger words, and try to figure out how else to write that the character does something rather than saying I/My.


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