02-10-2013, 11:37 AM
Events are taking a turn and it seems that this month you will be possessed. You will not become the green-faced monster from The Exorcist, let’s not be that dramatic, but you will feel a few stomach turning changes within yourself. Should we be worried? Nah... If someone as damaged as you will be able to crawl out of bed every morning, the rest of the world will be just fine. There is a door. Be a lamb and open it. Now walk through the door into the room... where rabid penguins will eat your liver. To avoid this masterful terror you need to grow a mind of your own. You don’t always have to do things people tell you to.
You will fall for the marketing ploy of buying the cookies, pizzas and other junk that’s cut into heart-shapes pieces for the holiday, which will lead you to spend more money on less volume of food. Instead of buying a card for your other half, and becoming yet another victim of the consumer culture, why not consider making a card instead? Your other half will appreciate it a lot more than you simply borrowing his credit card and using his own money to buy his Valentine's gift, which is what you usually do this month. When you think about it, a baby hurling sharp arrows at you with a crossbow is more scary than romantic. Happy(?) Valentine’s Day…
Quit posting up blogs filled with melodramatic online surveys about how “you're going to spend Valentine's Day sad and alone because nobody loves you”. Although that might be true, fishing for compliments isn’t going to boost your self esteem, and in fact, it’s annoying to death the few friends that you have left. No-one loves a whinger. If you want something, you have to really think hard, believe in it and it will happen. On the flip side, you could work harder than you’ve ever worked to achieve that goal – think of it as continuing to work when others are sleeping. Which path will you pick? Will you rely on will power or use your imagination?
Stealing flowers for your other half from cemeteries is not an acceptable form of "Recycling", you git. You also risk the wrath of the zombies coming down on your deserving head if you continue to do this and it will serve you right. Going on a few dates this month? Avoid restaurants and cemeteries, especially if those are blind dates. When we think of you this month, an Aswang comes to mind - a cannibalistic eater of the dead and of the living. Apparently they can transform themselves into either a black dog or a black boar, so don’t entertain unfamiliar stray dogs, and of course, boars. Once an Aswang sets their eyes on you, nothing will save you, you can forget garlic and holy water.
More people would send you Valentine's Day cards if you weren't so fat. You'd probably slim down a bit if you actually chewed your food at least twenty times per bite, rather than just unhinging your jaw and devouring entire gazelles like you normally do. February is a month of love and realisation for you, and it has little to do with the whole Valentine’s thing. Realisation is usually a positive thing, so this is a good month for you. You will realise that you found yourself stuck in a tunnel of love and your partner is the one digging it. While at the moment you may think there’s nothing wrong in that, you must also remember; tunnels collapse, get blocked, people get stuck. Are you comfortable in this tunnel?
You will receive a delicious box of chocolates from a secret admirer, and you will almost die when you take the first decadent bite. In addition, the sender of the package will also die by the hands of his wife because he sent her present to the wrong address. Still, no point in crying over spilled milk or misdirected chocolates for that matter, so ignore those pangs of conscience and eat them all. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny. But nowadays you can also get killed for it. Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing, especially for your star sign this month. Zip it, lock it, through away the key. Stay away from the jungles of your subconscious.