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Miranda_ (Offline)
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Default 02-10-2013, 11:36 AM

Horrorscopes

Aquarius
There are no quick fixes, just momentary. As long as you set realistic goals and actually do something positive in relation to them, you will start climbing out of the rut that you no longer like to wallow in. Don’t let this Valentine's Day timeline set you back to the shade drawn Doritos buffet days that you are attempting to recover from. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride and remember: Valentine's chocolate is half price on the fifteenth so it won't matter that no-one gave you any on the day. Feel free to go crazy and buy all you like in the week after.

Pisces
Chocolates and roses may provide a positive direction, but only temporarily! The hole in your heart can only be filled with resolve. You are stretching the limits of your friends’ patience. What was once cute is now becoming more irritating and you are not seeing it, although you are getting better at it. You will be better off by liquidating this clique of friends and find - or buy - some 'real' friends. It might even be better to change your clique of friends every few months or so. After all, you don't want to provoke any of them into getting irritated enough to stab you.

Aries
Romance is not dead - you just slightly injured it when you bought that stupid underwear. Love is in the air, but you might feel like there is some distance between you and your mate. If you want to appear desirable, stop leaving the door open while you're on the loo. Some mystery is vital when you've spent so much time in the company of another person that you know them inside out and they know you likewise. Felt like a doormat recently? You're always coming to your messed up friend's rescue. This month, stand aside and let her learn from her mistakes. Unless she really can't get herself out of it... like that time she called you from inside the boot of someone's car. Then it's cool to help.

Taurus
‘Tis the season for love. Who loves you, baby? The responsibility that you have been owning up to is doing wonders for your self-esteem. It is a good beginning and one that you can develop. Express the possessiveness of your efforts to your probation officer and see if they give a d@mn! You might meet someone at the probation office. Well, at least if you do you will know for sure that you have at least one thing in common with your new love. Just try to end it amicably, if that time comes. Setting fire to someone's house is just so eighties, dah-ling.

Gemini
If you are looking for little gifts for your loved ones, try to avoid buying a ton of crappy, over-priced, heart-shaped stuffed animals that make obnoxious kissing noises. No one wants them, and those things are just stuffed with dust mites, cat hair, and wood chips anyhow. Try to widen your choice of shops for Valentine's gifts; basically, give the pound shop a wide berth this year, you cheapskate. In order to conquer an age-old fear this month, you will finally confront the old skeletons in your closet. Though why you were cool with human remains in your house for this long is super hard to explain, and the guys from CSI are probably going to take you in for questioning, it's worth it to get that dank "old bone" smell out of your sweaters.

Cancer
Happy Valentine's Day! Enjoy your chocolates and not to worry: if you’re single and sad about it for some reason, take heart that someone near you has a partner who is going to ruin the holiday for them. For those of you who have partners bound to ruin the day, just remember that no matter how much it gets ruined for you, some whiny single person envies you, anyway. Crabs are very romantic when the mood gets them; otherwise, they are crabby. No matter how tempting it is to send a letter bomb thru the post to that person who rejected you several years back, try to suppress the urge. Just buy a voodoo doll of them instead and stick pins all over.



Last edited by Miranda_ : 02-10-2013 at 11:39 AM.
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