Horrorscopes contd. -
01-01-2013, 12:51 PM
Try and get your Christmas tree put away in a timely fashion this year. Last year, if I recall, you only got round to putting it away in late August, you slob. Your family is going to drive you nuts this month. What else is new? Just shut the hell up and quit complaining about it. Everyone is in the same boat this year. You are in grave danger. Avoid the colour white at all costs. If you don’t it will only kill you faster. If it snows where you are, just walk around blindfolded the whole time. The elves are out to get you, and I don't mean the ones who appear on fantasy movies looking superior and making you want to pelt them with snowballs. I mean Santa's slaves, who have fixated you as the symbol of vast consumerism which means they have to work their fingers to the bone making toys. Keep an eye out for patches of bright red and green following you, and keep a stick handy.
You need to assert yourself more than you already do. People notice the bold. Being front and center will draw others to you, and they will be able to help you down the line. Don’t be scared of success. Acting like a doormat will only encourage people to walk all over you. And wipe their feet. And leave milk bottles on you. Am I taking this metaphor too far? Anyway, back to the horrorscope. My advice to you is to buy a new cookbook, cuz otherwise you will be driven mad from eating turkey leftovers for every meal. Besides, a cookbook is a good investment for when you desperately need to impress someone. Thinking of making soft toys for extra cash? Do it. It's a much better get rich quick scheme than your last one. You know what I'm talking about, missus.
With the holidays here, it’s time to remember what love really means. It means you’re willing to give your life, or spare it, for another. It means you’ll always be willing to lend a hand, a shoulder or knuckle sandwich when needed. Hopefully, this information will come in handy for Libras, since they sometimes think love only means not saying things like, “You are a total moron!” Here's some handy advice for next month; when you hit the mall for the January sales, try not to draw blood in your mad quest for bargains, as blood is murder to get out of soft cloth. Try using a blunt instrument wrapped in plaster instead. After all, it worked for Lord Lucan. As always, you will spend far too much and spend the next few months living off baked beans and chips.
The stars suggest that the universe is plotting against you dear Scorpio, what’s it like knowing everyone hates you? It is time to face the music. That thing you have been putting off will catch up with you. Keep this in mind and 2013 will be your year. The world can be a horrible place. Despite your best efforts, your plans will only come
to fruition if others can get their butts in gear and back you up. If they don’t, then all your efforts will go to waste and you may as well spend the rest of your life in bed
ignoring them. Get over it. You’re not in a position to bargain any further. Did I mention that the universe really doesn't like you? Must be that past life you had where you spent your time annoying people til they were forced to assassinate you.
You will lose something very important, but you won’t remember that you’ve even lost it until you desperately need it. It may be your birth certificate, it may be your car keys, but most likely, it will be your mind. On the bright side, that new outfit you bought is very "you". Interpret that however you like. You are kind, you are compassionate and always willing to take a diversion to help someone else. These are all qualities to be proud of. If you feel bad about drawing the line with someone face to face then wait until they’re asleep and do it then instead with a biro over both cheeks. This Christmas when you’re drinking and eating to excess please spare a thought for the real victim of the season: the turkey. Every year, their family and friends are killed so that we can eat them. Poor sods!
Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle is sweet and understandable. You’ve always been one to follow tradition, but beware that it may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going to the supermarket. With a bit of cunning and guile you can save a fortune on expensive washing machines and laundry bills. Just give all your dirty shirts to your local Oxfam shop. They will wash and iron them and then you can buy them all back for fifty pence each. After seeing the latest Twilight movie you will realize what a waste of time those books and movies have been. You will finally take the Taylor Lautner poster down from above your bed and burn all your books and Twilight merchandise. Welcome to the sanity club.