01-01-2013, 12:49 PM
Horrorscopes by Miranda.
Like a badly mixed cocktail in a Chelsea pub, the stars are producing two distinct flavours for your future. The bad news first; in one week’s time, you will die. The good news; you won’t be dead-dead, you’ll be one of the living-dead, more commonly referred to as “zombies”. Life (is this the right word?) as a zombie can be quite comfortable nowadays, with high strength moisturisers and rare-cooked steaks essential commodities. Whilst returning home to your parents at Christmas as one of the undead may be awkward to explain at first, they will surely get used to it; they expect their offspring to get up to strange shenanigans at university. Be careful not to drink too much wine at Christmas dinner however, as losing your inhibitions and trying to eat Grandma’s brains will not win you any favour amongst the family.
Pluto is waning in such a way that suggests that in the next week you should beware of ghosts and ghouls that plan on bursting from the underworld and dragging you down into the world of the dead. In every strange nook and crevice lies danger; the dark space under your bed, the mysterious corners of your lecture theatres, the common rooms of certain colleges… Then again, Pluto has been acting stroppily ever since it was demoted from planet status, so it could just be making it up in a cry for attention. Don't take this the wrong way, but you are so dumb, you could be outwitted by a goldfish. Never mind. Perhaps the New Year has something better in store for you... but I wouldn't hold your breath, if I were you.
Wear the ugly knitted sweater, please. Do it for Grandma… and also for your karma bank, which is woefully low at the moment. Don't worry, ugly Christmas sweaters are very "in" this year and all the supermodels are wearing them, so you won't look too stupid despite the fact that you, obviously, are not a supermodel. Being nice around the holidays isn’t worth anything if you are a Grinch the rest of the year. Quit acting like such a pain in the neck every once in a while and maybe people will start inviting you to parties instead of sending you knocked down Christmas-themed snow globes from the pound store. You are threatening to become a real bore next month, as you drone on about how much you hate January. Quit it. Everyone hates that month, they don't need you reminding them.
Thick headed bull that you may be, you will do some good in the world this month as you will manage to talk a suicidal jumper out of killing himself. This bodes well both for him, and also for your karma bank. However, don't overdose on either the smugness or the eggnog. Remember what happened last Christmas? With the holiday season upon us all, use this time to clean up the messes that you caused during the year. People will be happy to hear that you have matured and will look to the future rather than dwell on the past. Your strength will come from being close to those you love. Unfortunately for you, most of them are dead, so you might be spending a lot of time in a graveyard. Which sucks, because it’s cold outside.
Being two-faced comes in handy round Christmas, as you smilingly thank Great Aunt Maude for the bright yellow jumpsuit she bought you, while simultaniously wondering just how much it would fetch on ebay. Stop looking to your magic eight ball for help. It can't tell you anything that I can't tell you. With that out of the way, your magic eight ball is usually right. See what I did there? Yeah, I’m good. Someone you know is going to seriously disappoint you. Don’t be nasty to them, just accept the fact that they might not be as awesome as you thought they might be. Both of you will be better off for it. I am sorry that you put all your hope into the world ending on the 21st, but let that be a lesson to you. In future, try not to read too much into trivialities such as the ending of calendars.
When you get sun and rain, you get a rainbow. When you get sun and snow, you get a snowbow. If you’re lucky, you’ll be counting the snowbows. But seeing a snowbow won’t mean that you’ll get lucky, and does not mean you’ll have gotten a good haul this Christmas. Be your own Santa, buy a present for yourself! Try the sale aisle, which will be full of marked down Christmas presents. December is a good drinking month for you; lots of parties, and don't forget New Year's Eve. Don't worry, no-one really knows any of the words to "Auld Lang Syne" at all, they're just pretending they do, just like you are, and are too drunk to really care. Remember I mentioned snow earlier? Yup, snow is on the way which is bad news for anyone around you, cuz crabs really don't like the cold AT ALL and aren't shy about showing it.