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Default Horrorscopes contd. - 11-29-2012, 06:33 PM

If you do not have anything appropriate to say you will please restrict your remarks to the weather. In other words, keep your mouth shut this month. Remember these wise words; if you lend someone money and never see them again, it was worth it. Especially if the person in question is a two faced Gemini. Leo brains are like the Bermuda Triangle. Info goes in, never to be seen again... Keep calm, nobody else knows what they're doing either. You have no idea what you want to say. You will give confusing disparate directions, and you will explain things poorly and be misunderstood. Your quiet voice will gather like dust in corners. Yes, this month will be just like all the ones before. Your ego has inflated and it has now become so huge you are no longer able to carry it. The only thing left to do is to flatten it with a steamroller!

You are supposed to be modest, shy, meticulous, practical and extremely reliable. Who ever made that story up, obviously got it wrong! You are neither one of those things, and you are certainly not shy! If only you were, the world would be a quieter, more peaceful place. Try and make friends with a Taurus this month. Their inate stupidity will get on your nerves, but you will instantly look like a better person next to them. Don’t do anything that will get you on the front of a newspaper. No dodgy activity in a bush, behind a car, public toilet, anywhere near tourist attractions or parking lots with operating CCTV cams. You are being watched! …Wait a second, what am I saying? Go on, do all of those things! Just let me know when so that I can come and film it and put it up on YouTube for the lulz.

You decide to create an outrageous and thus lucrative new fashion trend and assemble a snappy three piece suit made of thinly sliced roast beef. Sadly, as you take it out for its first outing, you run into a massive sponsored dog walk put on by the local community. Here's some advice; while wearing meat products might have worked for Lady Gaga, unless you are also a famous pop star, it will not work for you so try to avoid doing so in future and you will also avoid several dog bites. Never compare yourself to anyone or it will cause you agony, it will give you sleepless nights, it will cause you stress, drive you to insanity and ultimately it will lead you to a negative thought process which will stay with you till the day you die.

Your jealousy and resentfulness is driving a lot of your friends to insanity. You are a compulsive obsessive, which also makes you a maniac. You are revengeful, weird and just plain scary! And you have secretive stalking tendencies. Leave people alone, really, you psycho! Otherwise you will soon find yourself residing in a room with bars on the window. Yes, you will have your food and board paid for, but you will not be able to leave. Having said that... not even the most intelligent person can win an argument effectively if they do not have the right tools. So make sure you have a crowbar and a chainsaw on hand before you confront that person you’ve been disagreeing with. The end justifies the means, dear Scorpio.

There are probably at least seven ninjas living in your house not paying rent. This month is all about monkey business for all Sagittarius people. Some will experience too much business and not enough monkey. Your constant worries are like huge splotches of paint on a palette and they are of very little value to anyone including yourself… However, the splotches are nothing in contrast to the spillages that await you. When people around you start slipping and sliding in your goo that’s when the real danger crops up. Stay away from large containers of paint. And also buckets, just to be on the safe side. Probably brushes, as well. But not the ones you use on your hair, otherwise it will become a mess of knots and birds will make nests in it.

You are pompous and patronising. Your dogmatic attitude is getting boring. You will truly help yourself if you stop bossing around and stop interfering in other people’s business. You think you are the best thing in the universe, but really you are intolerant and no one likes you. Do something about it! However, you do have an ok sense of humour on Saturdays, so feel free to express yourself then. Your paranoia can get often the better of you. That guy who keeps knocking on your door every morning is just the postman trying to deliver a parcel. And those voices in your head are only trying to reassure you that you’re not actually mental. You will meet a tall dark stranger this evening, adorned from head to toe in black. He carries a scythe and is a tad on the bony side. If he invites you to walk down a long dark road with him, make sure you stay near the light.

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