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Default 11-29-2012, 06:32 PM

Horrorscopes by Miranda.

Aquarius
Concentrate on new ventures, new people, or else you could get sucked into bad memories. Life is full of ups and downs and the only thing you can do is hold on tight and scream for help. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting it at peers. In a former life, you were an extremely evil person, for example, a traffic warden or a tax inspector. That's probably why your life sucks right now. Earn karma points by donating to charity, or at the very least, stopping knocking on people's doors and running away. That's irritating enough in a child and you're a grown adult now, so quit it and find something grown up to do with your time, like writing nasty letters to newspapers instead.

Pisces
The new moon in your sign on Thursday combined with Mars speaks of a new kind of energy, drive and initiative which means you've no chance of getting out of doing the ironing. And don't let it pile up. If you do, you will trip over the immense pile on Tuesday and fall flat on your face in front of someone that you are trying to impress and the chance will be lost forever. Your skills as a convincing and interesting speaker could be called upon this week as your mate will need an alibi. Refusing your mate this favour does not bode well for you, as she knows something about you which could have dire consequences should she choose to broadcast it to the world. Keep her sweet. After all, you do have the impressive skill of being able to look someone in the eye and lie convincingly, so might as well make the most of it.

Aries
Some people hit rock bottom and they splatter, others bounce. Make sure you identify which kind you are and prepare for the future. A change is coming. An indefinable source will push you out of your rhythm. Evil will take a new form and you will be in the centre of it. If only you weren't so thick headed, because otherwise you might notice in time to avoid it... never mind. Whatever you did, you did the right thing, but for the love of god, stop calling and texting that number! Pick any other number, even if it is your local pizza place, just not that one. File your ex into the dead category. They are never going to come back to you, so you can stop hoping right now. Instead, go out and attempt to find the person for you... just try not to make yourself look ridiculous in the process this time.

Taurus
A week when finding the right words at the right time will have the effect of smoothing over a potential family upset. So be brave and admit it was you that scratched the car. Itís true that whenever you come into contact with animals, they always seem to really like you. However, this is mainly because youíre fat and slow and thus will be easy to cut from the herd when your time comes. Beware of wolves, cats and things that go bump in the night. Also, disregard the Cancer and Scorpio at your peril. Both can hone in on your most sensitive areas and deliver a nasty nip that will down you like a felled tree. A wise man once said that astrology and palmistry are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm.

Gemini
Any part of your personality that is wilful or possessive could be exposed this week, for there are opposing forces determined to bring out the best or worst in you. So drink less or you'll regret it. Under the influence of alcohol, you are under the impression that beating up the strongest person in the bar will make everyone respect you. Instead they will laugh at you, and you won't even know it because you will be in hospital. Try and avoid the salad meal while you're there, because it's full of salmonella. Money canít bring you happiness but it won't automatically depress you either. And remember, the best way to save money is to forget the person you borrowed it from. It is time to wake up, smell the fresh air, listen to some soul music and meditate. But if you are from another planet I donít think any of this will make sense, so go back to bed.

Cancer
This month has been fine right up to the last week, when it suddenly got cold. This is bad news for everyone around you, as Cancers tend to get extremely short tempered when the weather is cold, as you are best suited to warmer climes. Try not to bite too many people's heads off this month, as you will need to retain at least one friend to go drinking with. Most people think that you are a cold, unemotional person who is probably a serial killer. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as it does at least mean that no-one is going to dare to cross you. You are also becoming a shape-shifter. Could this month be good for your career? Watch out for a lingering promotion. And for the love of god, at least TRY to smile more. Trust me, your face won't crack.


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