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Default 10-14-2012, 01:40 PM

Leo
You will be plagued by recurring nightmares next week about clowns who drink herbal tea and read “Twilight” novels out loud. *shudders* Zombies are pretty well-known for trying to suck the brains out of people's heads, just like geography teachers and traffic wardens. You escape a horrific fate worse than death, if you can steer clear of boring people at parties. Try acting more like a Cancer, but less psychotic. Warning; do not sit next to that normal looking guy at lunch. He may look a better prospect than the werewolf, but the normal looking guy is in fact part of the Borg and will attempt to assimilate you. Your low IQ will cause the Borg to commit collective suicide, so it is better for all concerned that you do not become part of it. Tip: Wearing a mask with your Halloween costume is a good idea, despite the fact that your actual face is more scary.

Virgo
Scary is relative, and we don't just mean your crazy relatives who threaten to come visit for six weeks, but rather the idea that whereas a movie with monsters made out of cardboard boxes and paper mache may have been the scariest thing you'd ever seen when you were eight, it now looks like crap. You must get over your initial fears of a new project or relationship; although it seems insurmountable now, if you stick with it, you will eventually be able to overcome it. Just don't celebrate by singing; you don't want to frighten people to death. This week you'll find that you attract more flies with honey than even dead zombie flesh, and being inherently nice to the opposite sex will make them flock to you like vultures to a skeleton. If you already have a man in your life, now is the time to guilt him into spoiling you rotten. Your practical streak and need to over-plan puts a crimp on Saturday's Halloween parties, and your behavior is so stodgy you even horrify yourself. Vow to change, and soon.

Libra
Fair Libra, you waste scary amounts of energy this weekend trying to take on more frightening fun than you can handle. Scale down your grand plans for Saturday night and prepare instead for the horror that awaits on Sunday when a trusted friend reveals your darkest secret to the world. Will you remain calm and balanced when this happens, or will you freak out and finally show your dark side this Halloween night?! Next week, the moons of Jupiter align in the seventh house as your constellation is eclipsed by the sun. Translated roughly, this means vampires. So stock up on garlic, lock yourself in the bathroom, and invest in some Anne Rice novels. They won’t give you any good advice, but they will make your paranoia a bit more intellectually stimulating. Beware of things that go bump in the night, whether they be ghouls or stray mice. Sweet dreams, Libra.

Scorpio
The stars will align next week in your favor. You can finally look forward to some fun and folly before the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Maybe having toast for breakfast everyday is a bad idea. Mix it up from time to time to avoid the toaster rebelling. Apply this throughout your life or many bad things will happen to you. A witch has moved in down the street; it might be a good idea to take her a fruit basket so that she won't put any bad spells on you. Like those who reside in Midsomer, you are doomed to become either a murderer or be murdered; it might be an idea to grab a gun and take the initiative. Avoid clown dolls this Halloween and unplug the TV. You may wish to end up on TV, but not in TV, amirite? Besides, watching static late at night will do horrible things to your brain. Resist the temptation to go down to the cellar and check out the Indian burial ground; they don't want someone as stupid as you to disturb them.

Sagittarius
People will keep insisting they see you in places you have not been, leading you to suspect you have a Doppelganger. Again. Did someone say "Halloween party?" The Moon's in your sign on Saturday night and you're costumed up and ready to go. Some might say you're too ready, in fact, as your zombie drinking buddies tempt you to over indulge and wake Sunday with a horrific hangover. Shake off the evils of embarrassment and get moving again, because you're in charge come fright night. Most others are out of whack today and need you to set the Trick-or-Treating pace. Bold action is expected of you. Whose house are you going to TP? I would not recommend TPing the house of a Cancer or Scorpio, as they will wreak a terrible revenge on you that would have Ted Bundy shaking in his boots and give you nightmares for many months to come. Warning: Those knocks you can hear at night are not the house settling.

Capricorn
Things will be relatively calm for you next week, except for that one small incident with the shape-shifting demons on Monday. No biggie. A few of your friends are going to invite you to go to a cabin in the woods with them. Forest bonding! One of your friends even gives you a present; not the crate of beer you were hoping from, but instead, a book bound in skin (uh… thanks guys?). Careful when you read from it tho, the trees might start getting all cranky and touchy feely. Remember to stay close to your buddies and don’t forget to bring some marshmallows! It's probably best to remain in the cabin and not answer the door, especially to any weirdos wearing leather masks. When you go trick or treating, don't forget to wear your costume. Remember last year, when the neighbours called the police cuz they thought a serial killer had showed up at their door? Tip: If that nasty woman down the road won't give you any sweets, steal the milk off her doorstep.


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