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Default 10-14-2012, 12:39 PM

Halloween Horrorscopes by Miranda.

Your inner Cookie Monster is calling. Satisfy that craving before it turns into an inner Underpants Leprechaun. Nom nom nom. Halloween looks to be a scary one for you. But before you go around crying, "Ooooh, I want my mummy! I want my mummy!" think about this: You want more loviní, right? Well, if you run around like a scaredy cat, you will, to quoth the raven, "Neverscore." A little word of advice; vampires are evil, hypnotic people who will emerge in the night and drain you. Sounds like someone you used to date. You need to be careful because you may have closed the metaphoric coffin lid on a relationship, only to find that this person will rise from the graveyard of your heart to worm their way back into your life. One word of advice from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer": A vampire can only come in if you invite them. Warning: You've locked the doors and bolted the gate, but what of the chimney?

Failure to act quickly will result in some mysterious pink slime escaping from your bathroom and wreaking havoc downtown. Again. A black cat will follow you around this month. There's nothing sinister behind this; you just smell of fish. Do not, under any circumstances, accept that dare to spend a night in the haunted house. You won't be killed by evil poltergeists, but you will fall down the stairs and break your legs. Also, the decor is from the 70s and will blow what's left of your mind. Tuesday will be a bad day for you. Youíre going to slip on a banana peel and end up in a coma for roughly a month. Youíll wake up in a dimly lit hospital room, only to find that there is no one else around! You walk outside trying to figure stuff out when you realize that the whole town is overrun by zombies. Hope youíre handy with a baseball bat or a shotgun! Maybe we can all meet up in an abandoned mall or something. Text me!

Saturn is out on vacation, so that means family troubles in your future. A parent might ask you to come home, on account of one of your siblings isnít feeling that well. They have a raspy voice, projectile vomit, their head can spin 360 degrees and theyíre all about the crab walk. Swine Flu? Probably. Itís best that you be supportive in their time of need. And maybe call a doctor or a priest. Your crush, whom you didnít know even noticed you and you thought possibly resented you, is going to ask you to a dance! Given your hot tempered nature, youíre likely to be angered quickly if your plans donít work out as well as youíd hoped. Try not to use your festering rage to murder a room full of people with your mind, as this is a common Aries trait. Just think of the poor cleaner who has to mop up the blood afterwards and wear a red dress so that the pig blood they're going to throw over you doesn't show.

Fearless Taurus, do you suddenly feel like you're being watched? Are you paranoid?! Not so fearless anymore, are you?! Trickster Mercury short-circuits your mental wiring Halloween weekend, and unlike the bullheaded Taurus we know and love, you're now shivering with fright at things going bump in the night. If you make it to Halloween night without going berserk, you still risk the horror of falling in love with some deranged monster or serial killer as your crazed Venus-square-Neptune fantasies generate a foolish desire for demons. You face your face your worst fear this weekend when friends don't "get" your over-the-top Halloween costume. Your best friend dared you to take a chance, but you took it too far and offended someone; or even worse, confused or bored them to death. Now you're lashing out for attention, which is more scary than one of those little ghost children in a B-rated horror flick. Come Halloween Night, your temper tantrums will begin to subside, but the situation is still grave as your bruised ego compels you to chase after any ol' monster who will pay you some attention. Trust. No. One.

Next week is a good time to do good deeds. Uranus will influence you to adopt a lonely gargoyle, but donít expect to housebreak it. Horror is in the eye of the beholder, whether that eye be bloodshot and yellow, peering at you from the shadows of the night, or whether the eye is a horrible dismembered giant radioactive eye. What is truly scary? A werewolf? A werewolf is not so much a horrible half-man half-beast as a chronic undershaver. A headless horseman is just the victim of a particularly bad hair day. In much the same way, you can find the brighter side of anything that comes your way, no matter how horrific or annoying. This is one of your better traits; since this month is going to be, shall we say, interesting for you... I will refrain for once from listing your worse ones. Warning: If, when you pull at the face of that monster, the mask doesn't come off, it's not your neighbour dressed up but an actual monster. Run.

A spooky stranger will attempt to scare you away from your favourite bar. Thwart that evildoer with an epic Scooby Doo-like reveal, and save the day. On Halloween night, it's better that you dress up in a costume and go to a bar rather than stay home. The neighbourhood children will avoid your residence anyway, as they are frightened of that terrifying monster that opened the door last year; in other words, you in the throes of PMS and a bad hangover. It's full moon soon, so you will be out every night in any case, howling at the moon and tearing up a victim or two. Here's some free advice; wear dark clothes, as blood is hell to wash out of pastels, and avoid silver. Halloween sweets do not count as calories, so feel free to buy a ton of them and eat them all. However, stealing sweets from trick or treating children will mean that the calories will double. Tip: Next time you see a horror movie, pay attention. When someone says a place is haunted, don't go in.

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