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Miranda_ (Offline)
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Default 09-25-2012, 07:41 PM

Cancer
You will be flattered this month when someone tells you that you remind them of a superhero. Unfortunately, it's actually Tony Stark you remind them of; arrogant, obnoxious and basically a total jerk. Still, at least you can hang on to a few friends who feel that it's better that you like them rather than hate them. They don't want you for an enemy, believe me, cuz when you get a grudge, you nurse it forever. Instead of doing this, for a change, try not to be so crabby. It will bode well for your blood pressure in the future. A word of warning; family members will tend to pester you with their sage advice this month. No matter how annoying they get remember that therapy is expensive but bubble wrap is for free. Bright colours are unlucky for you this month so wear black; just try not to look like a goth as you will never carry it off convincingly. Tip: Vodka and orange does NOT count as one of your "five a day" so stop kidding yourself.

Leo
You should really make amends with that friend that you had a fight with a few months ago; if you do, youíll get to go to go to their birthday party, where youíll make out with some drunk person who is viewing you thru very foggy beer goggles. Treasure it, as it'll be the only human contact you'll get this month. You still struggle to count to ten without using your fingers; you're not very bright, are you? Cheese is unlucky for you, so try to avoid it this week. Your idea of being different is dressing like everyone else. You are a conformist tool and are rightly hated by everyone. Here's some advice; shouting down your mobile phone in public does not make people think you're a successful business person, but a loud moronic idiot. A long lost friend or family member will contact you this week. Donít get excited; they just want to borrow money.

Virgo
Donít double-cross anyone this week, not even a little. Your gain today will cost you major karma points in the future and your karma bank is already overdrawn so you should not risk it. Quit messing around on the internet and do a little housework for a change; tip, it's not normal to have mice making a nest in your underwear drawer and cobwebs hanging in the microwave. If anyone visits your house before you clean up, they will think you are a slob. You will have extreme emotional ups and downs this week. Itís nothing astrological; youíre just as crazy as a bag of cats. A Capricorn will tell a joke to you next week, and you will laugh way after everyone else does; about five days after when you finally work out the punchline. Warning: Beware of the dog. I really mean it this time; there is a dog who's out to get you this month so you'd better watch out.

Libra
I predict a bad month for you. Before you moan, just remember that time you shoved a Virgo on to the floor just so you could get your greasy mitts on that marked down skirt in the sale. Cuz of that incident, karma is going to come and bite you in your butt. Shopping may take your mind of it, but that might just be cuz you have no mind to speak of. By the way, warming something frozen up in the microwave and then adding some garlic salt does not make you a chef. In fact, your cooking is so bad that people have been known to eat the container rather than risk your home cooking. You have been known to burn salad. Your overly bubbly attitude gives everyone you know a headache. Looking at the glass half full all the time doesnít make you optimistic, it makes you a moron. Sometimes, that glass really is half empty, so there's no point in being a Cleopatra.

Scorpio
Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind. So just get over it and smack the guy already. You know who I'm talking about; and he's been asking for it for months. Also, he's not a Cancer so you'll be safe from hideous revenge afterwards. The trees are out to get you, and CIA agents have been spotted hanging around outside your house. Are you sure you didn't leave your garage unlocked? It might be best to go back and make sure. Although you think you are a born leader, the rest of the world sees you for the pushy pain in the butt that you really are. Hundreds of people will attend your funeral, but only to make sure that you're really dead. Tip: If you love something set it free. If it comes back; kill it, have it stuffed, and hang it on the wall.

Sagittarius
Youíve been letting your anger get the better of you lately. You must learn to forgive your enemies. Nothing will annoy them more. Your friends are planning an intervention. Your love for world domination is really beginning to weird everyone out. You really must learn to take time off from your day job to relax a bit. Let's face it, if there was going to be someone to rule the world, it would not be a Sagittarius, trust me on this. Beware of friendly looking dogs this month. Our sources tell us theyíve been conspiring against you. Also avoid pink pillows that wink in the dark and chairs that appear to mock you as you walk by. Your neighbour is beginning to realize that you have been spying on him. Itís best to remove all the surveillance equipment perched over the wall. Deny that you ever had a neighbor if the police come to question you.

Capricorn
Control your road rage. Remember, you arenít going to get there any faster if you have to find a place to dump the body and blood is a pain in the neck to get out of a white shirt. But seriously; you need to relax. No-one saw you do it, the alibi is airtight, and there is no suspicion at all. Unless the police are reading this... in which case, you'd better scratch together some money to use as a bribe. Just some friendly advice; being loud and wrong doesnít make you right. It just lets everyone around you know youíre proud of not knowing what the hell youíre talking about. This puts you on the same level as most politicians. You have a tendency to be overcritical and youíre not afraid to show it. Not as many people have as thick skin (or as thick a head) as you, so lay off and people will stop keying your car.


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