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Default 09-25-2012, 07:40 PM

Horrorscopes By Miranda.

Life is like a basket of eggs. Some of them taste good and some of them are rotten. To determine whether an egg is fresh, however, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh and you can eat it. If it rises to the surface, throw it in the direction of the nearest politician. Who knows, such an encounter might even win you the five minutes of fame you so desperately crave. You'd run naked down the high street to get even the slightest bit of attention, tho in this weather that might not be a good idea. Also, it's not very fair to inflict such a terrible sight on everyone else, now is it? Just for a change, spend some time concentrating on your senses. The only reason you see things as you do is because of the way the light falls on them. Look out for things that make the difference.

Something smells fishy to you this month. Deep in your cups, you rant and rave to everyone who has the misfortune to encounter you of your beliefs that there is a higher power controlling your every move. Guess what, there is a higher power watching over you. Itís called the Government. Any others are purely figments of the over active imagination of someone in the throes of advanced madness and too much Special Brew. It will not be a good month for you this month. Maybe things will improve for you next month, but I doubt it. After a really bad day at school or work, you will go home and consume an entire half gallon of Ben & Jerry ice cream and never speak of it to anyone you know. But they will know your shame cuz it's written all over your face. Tip: Summer is over so stop wearing sandals.


Donít pay any attention to the negative comments people say about you. You never listen to a word anyone says usually, so why should this time be any difference? The bag lady who lives down the road is out to get you cuz you wronged her in a previous life. An invisible sea monster lives inside your washing machine and will eat one of each pair of your socks. You have suspected this for some time but beware; do not attempt to find the monster as it will bite off one of your hands if you do. You have a few skeletons in your closet. Every single one of them deserved it. But hereís the bad thing, the skeletons are fighting to break out. Make sure your closet door is locket and bolted. If the skeletons come out they will haunt you for the rest of your life. That will not give a good impression to others, like you need to do this week.

How can your mirror and your camera have such completely different ideas of what you look like? HmmÖ Mirrors don't lie. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either. Here's a tip for you; while you believe that ripping your shirt and turning into a big green rage monster whenever someone insults you is actually the best way to behave, it's not. For one thing, it is ruinous to your wardrobe and you will not have any shirts left at all if you don't quit with the histronics. You may meet a lot of strange people this month and you will wish some conversations came with a fast-forward button. Nonetheless, you will be just fine if you remember that every person has a story to tell, which is why you should not talk to anyone, ever. Warning: Smile. Tomorrow is another day. Or at least, it will be if you smile; otherwise, I wouldn't like to say.

Just throw out that pair of jeans. You know exactly why, donít make me tell you. Your two facedness continues to make you enemies while you carry on blissfully and ignorant in your daily life. Every morning, your neighbour can hear you singing in the shower. Do everyone a favor and put a sock in it, would you? You might think otherwise, but trust me; you couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. The colour white is unlucky for you, so is red wine. Do the maths. You will discover a new talent this week; donít bother showing anyone, itís not all that impressive. If you're a smoker, smoke more. It's good for the economy. If you are a nonsmoker, then telling a smoker to give up on Thursday will net you a black eye. Beware; every time you do something stupid, God kills a kitten. You are guilty of mass kitticide, you monster.

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