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Default 08-20-2012, 07:11 PM

Leo
Loud, proud, and in control; those are the words you often use to describe yourself. Unfortunately, only the first two are true; and you have nothing to be proud of. Being able to lick your own elbow won't impress anyone over the age of five. If you do not have anything appropriate to say you will please restrict your remarks to the weather. In other words, keep your mouth shut this month. Otherwise, you will tell an off colour joke to the wrong person and get the everliving snot beaten out of you. If aliens ever land on Earth and demand to see their leader, it will not be you. Our best chance is to take them to Lady Gaga. Your leadership skills are not advancing fast enough. Sorry. You also do not want to give the aliens the wrong impression of the human race; they, like us, believe that there is intelligent life out there and to disabuse them of this fact would be cruel.

Virgo
Venus has entered your sign, which is usually a sign you will fall in love. However, this time he'll stay for a month longer than is comfortable, use all your best toiletries, eat all the food in your fridge and never offer to pay for anything. Being a doormat, this is a familiar occurance. You need to start acting more like a Cancer or Taurus, but not so much that you scare away all your friends. This month is going to be pretty hard-core for all Virgos. If you get away without a bruise, double check your date of birth with your parents again. You may actually not be a Virgo at all! This may be good news, or it may be earth shattering. Hope for the result that you want, and while you wait, finally clean out that cupboard that you meant to clean out last week and forgot to. Warning: The people you hurt on your way to the top will only kick you on your way back down.

Libra
People say revenge is the most worthless of causes. Well, donít listen to them. After all, what the hell do they know? It's said that revenge is a dish best eaten cold, but throwing a hot dish all over the person you hate comes a worthy second, especially if said dish contains tomato soup and the revenge subject is wearing white. Choose your moment wisely. Courage is to take a step forward into an area of difficulty without a solution in mind, but yet feeling that victory is ahead. Courage is to move forward empty handed while throwing oneself at the mercy of fate. This month you will be very courageous. Do not confuse courage for stupidity. And above all, do not just give up on life and go to the mall; your bank manager will thank you.

Scorpio
Stop using your training to tell lies to people. Thru mastery of particular techniques you picked up over the years, you have become unconquerable and thus exceptionally dangerous. When you practice to deceive, what a tangled web you weave. Eventually, you will get to the point when you get mixed up and can't remember which are lies and which are truth. There will be a bear in your house on Monday, and no-one will believe a word you say on the subject even after the bear claws your leg off. While you are lying in bed on the intensive care ward, let this be a lesson to you. On the plus side, you will find love with the inmate of the next bed. You're due a rollercoaster of a love affair, which will end with explosive results. Warning: Do not stand on a toilet this month; you will inevitably fall off it.

Sagittarius
Sometimes you have to give in to your body's demands. You've tried everything you can think of to lose a few extra pounds. Unfortunately, the truth is that you have all your best ideas while eating fry-ups and gargantuan-sized bowls of ice cream. Only a lock on the fridge and larder doors will help you in your quest. On Thursday, you will become addicted to cheese and will find yourself rummaging thru the dumpster outside your local burger bar in order to feed your craving. Perhaps you need to find a hobby? A hobby will also ensure that you don't have to spend half an hour talking to the cashier in your local store, just so that you can have a dose of human contact this month. Tip: Stay away from sharp objects. You will be glad you did.

Capricorn
You can sing like a canary when you believe it'll improve your social standings. But know this; nobody likes a snitch. So before you destroy other people's reputation, have it in the back of your mind that you are going down as well. The greater the voice, the harder the fall; rock bottom, baby. There are those who will rejoice when, on Wednesday this week, you finally get your comeuppance. You have been avoiding the punishment you richly deserve for nearly all your life and it will catch up on you. Try to bear it with dignity, as your karma bank needs a deposit, and soon. It is not always good to be social. Many of your relationships may get scrambled this month. Why not avoid human contact all together?


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