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Default 08-20-2012, 07:10 PM

Horrorscopes By Miranda.

Aquarius
Stop what you're doing and run for the hills! Something bad you did last month will finally catch up to you this week, and you do not want to be in the firing line. This month, you must gather together your courage and take the bull by the horns. You may have to confront a Taurus; be warned, and do not resort to shouting and calling names as you will undoubtedly get the worst of it if you do. It's time to process all the information about your nightmares. Your subconscious mind has been telling you something very important for days, and it's time for you to finally interpret what this may be. It is probably something to do with the way you treat your friends; even your best friend has been getting very tired of your attitude this past month. There's only so many times that you can turn up late and expect them to put up with it.

Pisces
You're a creative sardine. You have visions. Unfortunately not all of them are legal, or even logical. Youíve become slick and slippery but youíre not fast enough. Rethink. Recalculate. Or get canned. You wonder this month whether your paranoid thoughts have any basis in reality. Actually, they don't; you're just overthinking life, as usual. No-one is interested in what you have to say; you may think they are listening when in fact they are wishing that you'd shut the hell up for once in your life. Satan still seeks to steal, kill and destroy! He wants to STEAL your joy, KILL your influence, and DESTROY your mind. Fight back! Do not succumb and become his host. Tip: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Puke, and you're on your own.

Aries
It is an artist's job to deepen the mystery and a journalistís to solve it. If you are not either, please do not get involved. The world does not need another useless amateur going around messing things up for the real experts. Don't start thinking you don't have any choices. You have plenty of choices. However, there's only one correct choice. Make the right choice and the world is your oyster. Make the wrong choice and you'll find yourself face down in the gutter. But then, if you do wind up there, that will not be the first time it's happened, will it? And it won't be the last, either. You will be wise to not take the weather for granted this month; that sweater you prize will shrink in the rain, making you into a laughing stock.

Taurus
Not even the most intelligent person can win an argument effectively if they do not have the right tools, and you are far from intellegent. Your brain could be compared to a walnut, but that would be an insult to walnuts. The only thing you can do is make sure you have a crowbar and a chainsaw on hand before you confront that person youíve been disagreeing with. If you still think that you're losing the argument, then a headbutt solves all ills. Grasp the nettle of life if you must, but make sure you also have the dockleaf of life on hand to deal with the painful sting. Pro-tip: Save money this month by looking where you are going and not walking into a lamp post and breaking your new glasses.

Gemini
This week a strapping, sexy figure of authority will enter your life and cause a whole new gamut of emotions to rise inside you. But you need to be wary. In the early stages of a relationship, it's better to just let him give you the parking ticket. In any case, your two facedness will undoubtedly ruin things for you, as it nearly always does. Tuesday next week isn't going to be a lucky day for you; I would suggest staying in bed all day just to make sure that nothing heavy falls on you. Feeling beat up? Thatís probably because you are. Things need to change around where you are. Take the lead and make sure it is not your brain that is getting fried this month! Stop being a chicken, say whatís on your mind... but make sure it's not that person you told the off colour joke to. Tip: Eat less cabbage, your friends will thank you.

Cancer
Good luck is hard to find this month, which predictably makes you angry. Try not to get into any fights this month; think of the poor bar staff who end up having to stay late in order to clear up broken glass and mop up your victim's blood. However, a chance will soon come to turn this all around; the stars will give you a year's worth of good luck if you go over to the lady at the end of the pub talking really loudly on her hands-free device and pour a pint of lager over her head. The world will thank you, believe me, and the Scorpio propping up the bar will buy you a drink in thanks. Here's some advice for you; you are definitely not cut out for parenthood. This is proven by you believing that the best way to stop small children from bothering you in the supermarket is to hand them a bottle of vodka.


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