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Default 07-20-2012, 06:01 PM

Leo
What does this button do? Mess up everything, that’s what! Don't touch it! You have to tamper with every button, knob, handle, etc. Much like the destroyer ant, you reduce everything that lands in your path to zero. Just sit still in one place, do not move at all and if that proves to be difficult ask someone to tape you to a chair. This month, you are unable to resist the temptation to touch a wall with a "Wet Paint" sign; only to find that, due to an application of Super Glue left there by a mischievous Scorpio moments before, you are uncomfortably stuck. You really should have used your hand to touch the wall. Let this be a lesson to you. You are in some ways like an impulsive child; this was just about bearable when you actually were a child, now it's just irritating and makes people want to stab you.

Virgo
Your happiness will be turned to tragedy when you realise you are no longer important to people, you are no longer listened to and you cannot influence others. It's funny how during this month we’ll be hearing you screech like a drowning cat! You insist that the hideous noise you are making is called singing, but others at the kareoke beg to differ. Either get lessons or stop putting the other people at the bar thru torture, just cuz you think that a particular song means something to you. On Friday, you will have to roll up your sleeves, put on some rubber gloves and dig deep into the rubbish bin of life. Avoid the flies and try to reach the bottom, as not doing so will be detrimental to your mental health. Warning: All colours are unlucky for you, so wear black.

Libra
Shallow tho you are, you at least remember to give a good friend a hug this week. The good karma generated from this act of friendship will save you from a disaster in two weeks time. Remember this next time you decide that you can't be bothered to give your best friend a call. You swore that your love would last until the seas run dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you’ll be single again as of Thursday. Don't cry for your love; they are not worth it and are already badmouthing you round the town. Get your own back by going out and finding a replacement. You’re finally entering that period of your life when the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you are capable of doing. Rather than spend hours thinking this over, you will give up and go to your second home, the mall. Do not buy the pink dress; it goes see thru in wet weather and shows off more than you would ever want to reveal.

Scorpio
You’re starting to develop a sneaking suspicion that other people are having more parties and all round fun than you are, which just proves that it takes a while for you to catch on sometimes. A family member will apologise this month for a birthday catastrophe or the catastrophe of your birth. Accept with a smile, then turn them in for food stamp fraud. All your friends are plotting against you, so don't trust anyone this month. Your strong opinions are interpreted as “being a jerk” by others around you. You have been on this Earth for many years, yet you still haven't learned when to keep your trap shut. Scorpios are best known for ending up in prison serving life sentences. You may yet avoid this fate, but only if you strive to drink a different fizzy drink every single day of this month. Tip: Change your shampoo.

Sagittarius
You have no idea what you want to say. You will give confusing directions, and you will explain things poorly and be misunderstood. Your quiet voice will gather like dust in corners. Yes, this month will be just like all the ones before. You will try and lose weight, and yet gain it. Here's a tip; when you sneak down at midnight and grab a snack out of the fridge, it still counts on your day's total. Put a lock on your fridge or invest in some sleeping pills. For some reason, friends are always asking for your opinion. You are arrogant and oblivious of the dangerous nature of your own advice. Yet somehow, your stupidity is applied more often than you know or are credited for. Today you may spend more time with someone that you love just as much as flies love swatters. If you were a Cancer or a Scorpio, you'd slap them. Sadly, however, as a Sagittarius, you will be doomed to listen to them ramble on for half an hour which you will never regain.

Capricorn
It’s more frustrating to lose your keys than it is to lose your mind because most people that lose their mind don’t know it’s gone. This doesn't apply to you, cuz you have no mind. Your keys are probably behind the cistern, for some unknown reason that we don't want to go into now. The next time someone starts a sentence with, “The least you can do,” in an effort to reprimand you, stop them in their tracks and remind them that the least you can do is nothing. You do not usually win verbal battles, so that's a real plus for you. Cherish it. You might want to try something new this week, like showering and maybe even brushing your teeth. And while you’re off the couch, perhaps you might want to look into purchasing some dignity and self respect? You can't live like a student all your life, you know. Warning: Cut down on the sweets, you'll rot your teeth.


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