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Default 07-20-2012, 06:00 PM

Horrorscopes by Miranda.

Aquarius
Someone very close to you is feeling pain. Use your empathic powers to feel his discomfort. Use your ears to hear his anguished cries. Use your eyes to see that you are standing on his foot. Then use your brain to move away as fast as you can before he decides to retaliate. I know that you haven't used it in a while, but try. On Tuesday, a bluebottle will fly into your ear and drive you insane with its constant buzzing. You will continue to receive a lot of pointless spam emails. Someone who you thought was a friend has signed you up to every mailing list in existance, in revenge for something that you did. Trying to work out what that was will keep you busy for the rest of this month. Warning: Every rose has its thorn.

Pisces
A beard is not a hairdo, but we hope youíll love the new chop! Whether a man or a woman, this month you may find yourself growing, styling and nurturing a beard. Your new look will finally net you the attention that you crave. On Monday, a raincloud will follow you around whereever you go, and rain only on you. Your umbrella has a hole in it, and your raincoat has been eaten by a swarm of locusts. Try not to take it too personally. Old guests are leaving; new guests are to be expected. There is a face that will bring you trouble. The face will remain a burden, a strain to your memory for life. Do you even know what the face looks like? Here's a clue for you; it is someone you thought you knew very well, but do not know at all, and yet, will get to know in the space of one week. The stars do not bode well for you this month.

Aries
You probably feel that you live in a perfectly blended world of reality and illusion. Thatís nice, but you are slightly delusional. One day you will wake up. Once awake, you will continue to invent all kinds of theories to prove the realty of your world. Everyone will listen to your mental theories. However, the fact will remain that your world is non-existent for us. In actual fact, no-one really cares what you think. They only pretend that they do, cuz it's better than the alternative, which is you moaning about how no-one listens to you. For goodness sake, find a hobby and join a club so that you can talk to other likeminded people rather than boring everyone around you into a stupor. Pro-tip: Foam is an unlucky substance for you this month, so try and avoid touching it.

Taurus
You have much more on your plate than you can comfortably accommodate. Start a food fight. Just try not to hit your bank manager, or he may decide to call in your overdraft. Just a hint; in more civilised society, it is not considered to be a good idea to headbutt someone when you disagree with what they are saying. Bizarre rumours are circulating of a dilapidated figure with hypnotic red eyes terrorising passers-by. It is said the figure is a Taurus. Stay away from TVs, computers, and late night debaucheries and get rid of those bloodshot eyes! The received wisdom will prevent onlookers from declaring you a vampire. Tip: Eat lots of garlic. While it's true that it will give you bad breath, it will help you.

Gemini
Something horrifically strange is in the air as there is a lot of false information around this month. Evil-intentioned individuals manufacture it to serve their own purposes; the rest is just plain ignorance. Itís not funny; it can block your acceptance of true information. Donít be blinded, filter it, reject it and only accept it if youíre an idiot. Avoid Librans. They will attempt to talk you into financing their shopping sprees for an entire month. If you agree, you will be forced to declare yourself bankrupt. On Thursday, do not cook anything which contains cheese. It will give you a nightmare where you dream that you are a figment of a Taurus' limited imagination, and you will wake up screaming. Two faced you may be, but you are not doubly blessed with intelligence. Somewhere out there is a village that is missing its idiot. Only if you go there, will you find true fufillment.

Cancer
July isn't really a good month for you. You feel a bit flat after the excitement of last month and decide to drown your sorrows in alcohol. You are very good at holding your drink, however, you are one mean drunk when you've had a skinfull. You will get into at least one fight next week; altho you will be the eventual victor, it does not reflect well on you when you pound the living daylights out of someone who is half your height and a quarter of your weight. But then, you're so self absorbed anyway that you probably won't even notice. On Wednesday you will indulge in a game of Monopoly and reduce at least one good friend to tears when you bankrupt them and take away their last few pounds. You are good at this game cuz you are self serving, arrogant and don't care about others' feelings. With these qualities, you will make an excellent Mafia boss. Pro-tip: Drink more coffee.


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