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Miranda_ (Offline)
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Default 06-24-2012, 09:34 AM

You frequently mistake innate stupidity for courage, due to your belief that lions are brave. They are not; that is lionesses. Lions sit around on their fat lazy backsides letting their womenfolk do all the work. Donít look a gift horse in the mouth this week. They actually have huge teeth that could chew your entire face off. Some might say that is an improvement. Do not be tempted this Thursday to stick your head in the freezer. You do not want to see what lies in there... like perhaps the severed head of the previous tenant. Some things are better off undiscovered. Warning: Mind the gap.

You really need to focus on setting some goals in your life. Start by eating some healthy food with a proper knife, fork, and plate rather than those sporks they give you at KFC when they hand you your plastic bowl filled with cheese, mashed potatoes, and chicken neck mixture. You wrongly believe that your best friend likes you and wishes you well. This person you believe to be a friend and you donít have that many 'true' friends. This is someone you would have gone through a lot of discussing things with Ė someone you think you can definitely call a Ďfriendí. Beware. An insincere and evil friend is to be more feared than a wild beast. The beast may wound your body but the evil friend will destroy your MIND.

Your symbol is a set of scales, rather like your life. On one side is your total monetary input, on the other is your vast spending habits. They don't add up, do they? You feel that buying large amounts of designer clothes makes you a better person. Actually, it doesn't. It just emphasises how shallow and pointless your existance is. A male Capricorn will lie to you and try to scam you out of a ton of money. Itís okay to smack him in the head with a rock, he deserves it. But don't go too far, as you don't want to end up in a jail cell wearing hideously undesigner jumpsuits and peeing into a bucket. Still, it would at least be a more interesting weekend than the one coming is prophesised to be. Tip: Wear something plaid for luck.

You will hurt yourself doing something really stupid, so you should fabricate an interesting story now so you donít look like a moron when you come in to work next week with a neck brace. Perhaps you can say you were attacked by a bear while trying to save a group of Cub Scouts from a forest fire that was started by a freak marshmallow roasting accident? Or maybe you hurt yourself trying to push a blind old lady with a heart of gold out of the way of an oncoming locomotive that was engulfed in flames from the radioactive toasted forest fire marshmallows? Or better yet, you hurt yourself when you tried to steal the last bag of marshmallows out of a blind old ladyís shopping cart and a bunch of Cub Scouts saw the whole thing and beat you up in the parking lot? Oh, wait, thatís actually whatís going to happen. You're a complete moron, aren't you?

Your selfishness will be at an all-time high this week when you steal quarters from your friendsí couch cushions to buy yourself a dozen donuts that you will eat alone in your apartment like some ravenous hyena. You will hunt thru the high street for a pair of jeans that flatter your enormous backside. Your failure will drive you to steal a charity box in order to buy yet more cake. You really are a nasty piece of work this month, aren't you? Your criminality matches that of a Cancer, but whereas they have the looks and charm to carry it off, you do not. Quit it before you provoke a restless lynch mob to chase you down the road waving lighted torches and pitchforks.

Sometimes, you imagine that life is really out to get you. That isn't paranoia, by the way; merely an accurate depiction of how your life is supposed to be. Some people in your life might not be impressed with your ideas right now. Itís because your ideas are typically stupid, but no one is brave enough to tell you because you also have some pretty severe anger management issues. Just to let you know, that burger you ate last week was made out of people. If itís any consolation, they werenít really nice people. That's what you get for avoiding large corporations and buying burgers off weird bearded guys with street stalls, and it serves you right. Warning: Do not bang your head. Every time you do, you lose a dozen brain cells and you don't have many more to lose.

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