06-24-2012, 10:13 AM
Horrorscopes by Miranda.
You FINALLY realize that your life-time goal of destroying the world is self-defeating. This weekend brings an excellent opportunity to get drunk and humiliate yourself at the top of your voice - unaware that your friends have bugged your coat and are broadcasting every word to your mum, your boss and your partner. It is time for you to stop daydreaming and get back to reality. Failing to tune into the reality will result in you missing out on all the new and exciting things taking place within the real world. You will get caught in an unexpected rainstorm on Saturday and your new wool sweater will shrink to doll size. You will also smell of wet sheep all day as a result.
A co-worker will smile at you. It may mean something, or they may just be trying to be friendly. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. No matter how much your friends try, you still misunderstand the punchline of every joke. You have the personality of a tree, the looks of the back of a bus and the sense of humour of a German. You still can't understand why people as a general rule cross the road to avoid you, and your pointless and irritating optimism keeps you constantly bouncing up to people and trying to start conversations. Warning: Beware of the dog.
Love is in the air. Messy. Anyway there is nothing but luck this week for those of you with lots of luck this week. The rest of you may, or may not, be as lucky as that. In fact, you may find yourself being stuck behind an elderly person who manages to take up the entire pavement at the same time as walking at a snail's pace. Tempting tho it may be, resist the temptation to push them over. The tealeaves will not bode well for you this month. Someone's out to get you. They want to carve your gizzard and fry it for their supper. Make sure you hang out with vegetarians until the coast is clear.
Your bull headed thick skulled stupidity will land you in trouble this Friday night when you accidently annoy the wrong person. Still, you will find love when you strike up a conversation with the person in the next hospital bed. More bad luck awaits you next Monday. You will entertain all of your co-workers with an impersonation of your boss. They’ll be even more entertained by the expression on your employer’s face as he walks up behind you without your knowledge. You will lose your wallet, and wonder just how the Cancer living down the road was able to buy so many new clothes on their next shopping trip. Most people would be able to make the connection, but not you.
Split personalities like yours can be amusing for those next to them, especially when you have an argument with yourself. It's especially pathetic when you lose that argument and spend the next hour sulking in a corner. If cupidity didn't get the best of you, stupidity will. June will be an entertaining month for us. We'll be watching you and we'll be laughing at you. You will fall over in two days and sprain your finger. You will also mislay your cheese sandwich and not be able to locate it again. Here's an interesting factoid; in all your past lives, you were just as dull, stupid, and insignificant as you are today, but you were much less ugly. Tip: Buy an umbrella.
You are a vain and arrogant person; you will get much worse this month, cuz of it being your birthday. For the sake of everyone around you, at least try to act gracious when receiving gifts. You will benefit from it later, I promise. Good looks will not get you thru life; for god's sake, try to develop a better personality than the one you have. You will dream that cheese will fall from the sky, and wake up believing that your dreams have meaning. This is untrue. Your strange dreams are sent to punish you for being so self obsessed. You're in your twenties; it's about time that you stopped acting like a bratty teenager and just grew up. No-one likes you, but you don't care as long as you have your full length mirror.