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Miranda_ (Offline)
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Default 03-07-2012, 01:18 PM

Horrorscopes by Miranda.

Aquarius

You will spend all of your money on quack doctors and strange medical treatments. Have a nice life. Life is full of ups and downs and the only thing you can do is hold on tight and scream for help. You went, you saw, you were disappointed... and seagulls stole your lunch. Beware of the seagulls, they are out to get you this month and the only way to stop them is for you to wear a strange yellow hat and mismatched socks. You could do with a self-de-fuming and possibly a sleeping pill of notoriety. After blowing a gasket you will now be blocked on many phones and from many parties. Your Twitter account will be hacked on Tuesday and many people will believe that you have lost your marbles. Tip: Drink more tea.

Pisces
Have you kept up to date with the human sacrifices? Hell I might even throw in a bag of potting compost and a box of assorted cuttings! However, don't slack off; you may mess things up more. You better get your drinking shoes on. It looks like Cinderella may get to go to the ball VIP style. Just donít get inappropriately hammered or you may lose a shoe and various other assets. The fairy godmother had it all worked out, so do as Cinderella did: leave the party early, then you will be missed. Otherwise, you will fall asleep at the bar and drool all over your favourite outfit. Oh, and I see good financial news in your future in about thirty or forty years, when you will be too old and grey to spend the money that you've made.

Aries
You're always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. You are going to be shot and live through the pain. You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You also smell of damp sheep and sweat a lot. On Thursday you will receive a visit from a Jehovah's Witness. Due to your loneliness and boredom, you will keep him prisoner on the doorstep til he is forced to gnaw off his own leg in order to escape. What seemed like a good idea at the time will come back to bite you on the bum. Be wise in your disguise. You may be fooled but others are not. It may have seemed a good idea at the time to eat the mouldy cheese but I would beware of the consequences, if I were you. Warning: The penguins will one day destroy you if you do not leave a sardine on your doorstep every day this month.

Taurus
Bull headed and thick skulled, you charge on in your merry way ignoring the possible obstructions that may come up. Such as sturdily built brick walls. Aspirin is generally good for sore heads but beware of taking it on an empty stomach. Your explosive personality isn't the only thing that can cause combustion! Stay away from anything that contains gasoline to ensure a hazard free week. You may not have a clue and you may not have style, but everything you lack, you make up with denial. Why are you broke again this month? Fiscal responsibility is just a rumor to Taureans, they think it's some sort of myth, like the Tooth Fairy, or something other people do that they are somehow exempt from. The IRS doesn't care what sign you are. It's probably too late to declare yourself the head of a church, as well.

Gemini
Your two facedness will lead you into trouble this month, when you partake in a bar room brawl. Use cover up makeup to hide the worst of the bruises and vow to stay away from the booze. Owing to your dual personality, you have struggled mightily with a heart-wrenching decision. Frankly, the rest of us in your world are weary of listening to your angst. Either lock yourself in your room for a week, listening to Coldplay and Radiohead, or for god's sake pull yourself together. You are in danger of boring and driving away what friends you still hang on to. You need to protect your precious from solar activity. Jupiter is blocking Uranus causing a rift in time and space. The tides are high but you are holding on. You will find out on Monday that, due to a past life spent stealing that ended up in a one way ticket to the gallows, you are frightened of hemp. Tip: Try to chew with your mouth closed to attain a small shred of mystery.

Cancer
For god's sake, leave that mirror alone and get to work. You may think that having a pretty face will shield you from most of life's problems, but you're wrong. For some reason, friends are always asking for your opinion. You are arrogant and oblivious of the dangerous nature of your own advice. You are indirectly responsible for several beatings and at least one arrest, but somehow karma has lost your address and you never get what you deserve back. Instead, the troubles times three are redirected to the nearest Virgo. Don't get smug too soon tho, as on Friday you will realise that you can't afford to buy that pair of new shoes and will slip into a depressive decline. Just snap out of it and stop being such a drama queen. The enfant terrible look was fine in your teenage years but now it's looking quite pathetic.


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