Quote:
Originally Posted by Shmiley
It was strange, exciting and frightening to be standing in dining of the famous Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Voices rang throughout the room and bodies wiggled in excitement or fear like the small body of a young boy named Raven Loveless.* He was fairly short, standing only at the height of 4 foot 9 inches tall and weighting under a hundred pounds. His robes hung on his form like drapery on an upside-down skinny triangle.* The blackness of the robes contrasted against his white skin and long, flowing white* hair, making his light pink eyes glow. His teeth gnawed on his lower lip, said eyes flicking back and forth as the bodies moved against his.
The voices trickled down into silence as the Professor told them the basics of the sorting procedure: their name was called, they sat on the stool, the Hat fitted them to a specific house and they joined them at the tables.* 'It doesn't sound so bad', the young boy thought as he fiddled with the long sleeves of his robe, a quiet blush sweeping across his white cheeks. He was nervous and jittery, his body shaking beneath his robes, and his legs nearly felt like jello.
One by one, the children sat on the stool and the Hat was placed upon their heads. The decisions were made quickly, each child were sorted to their respective houses and sat seated at their respective tables until he heard his name loud and clear;
"Raven Loveless!"
Stiffening in his spot, his pink eyes widened, and his shaky legs carried him up to the stool. His thoughts ran wild as he thought of the possibilities of his chosen house.; would he be in Gryffindor? Slytherin? Ravenclaw? Hufflepuff? He didn't fit Gryffindor. Definitely not Slytherin, and Ravenclaw wasn't really him.
Sitting unsteadily on the stool, his hands shook as they rested in his lap and as the Hat was securely placed on his head. His eyes twisted shut, shoulders hunching and heartbeat picking up as he felt the Hat literally inside his mind.
"Ah, you are very loyal to the friends you have. You are gentle and kind to them and to others who approach you. However you tend to be a little shy and nervous when they give you too much attention or they invade your space. You are easily prone to seclude yourself from others," he said dryly, almost bored with the boy, "Maybe putting you in Slytherin would toughen you up..." Raven's eyes widened and the Hat chuckled, "No... you are not cunning enough for them, so you will be placed in.... Hufflepuff!"
The breath he didn't know he was holding, escaped him and a soft smile graced his fair features as his table cheered. He hopped off the stool, nearly stumbling and he making his way over to the table. Taking his spot at the table, his fellow Hufflepuff greeted him warmly and he knew that was this was the House where he belonged.
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Alright, overall, not bad. Typos/grammatical errors distract from some of the story, but the character seems to be good. He almost fits into a stereotype, however, and sometimes placing a character into a stereotype is like falling into a trap you're stuck. However, as I know you in person and have discussed characters with you often before, I know you usually make engaging characters, though you seem to prefer tragic pasts quite a lot.
Editing key:
Blue= corrections/suggestions,
red= parts needed to be deleted, *= see below for specific remarks on specific sentences.
"Voices rang throughout the room and bodies wiggled in excitement or fear like the small body of a young boy named Raven Loveless." The sentence reads awkwardly, though I know what you were trying to go for. Perhaps something more like, "Voices rang throughout the room and bodies wiggled in fear or excitement, fear like the very small boy Raven Loveless." This way, fear is specified individually as the emotion coursing through the main character. Otherwise, you have to read the sentence twice to be sure of what he's feeling. While elaborated on later, every sentence must be treated as a stand-alone piece of information.
"His robes hung on his form like drapery on an upside-down skinny triangle." The term "upside-down skinny triangle" is awkward and provide a confusing visual. Naming an actual object in a similar shape would help the reader "see" the way his robes hung on his body. For example, "His robes hung on his form like drapery piled over a coat-rack with broad hooks along the top."
"The blackness of the robes contrasted against his white skin and long, flowing white hair, making his light pink eyes glow." Nothing too bad here, you might just want to avoid using the word "white" too much. For example, "The blackness of the robes contrasted against his ivory skin and long, flowing white hair, making his pink eyes seem to glow."
"The voices trickled down into silence as the Professor told them the basics of the sorting procedure: their name was called, they sat on the stool, the Hat fitted them to a specific house and they joined them at the tables." Awkward usage of the colon (
. Try to avoid using the colon almost entirely; it would have been a helluva lot easier to make the Professor speak than to attempt listing off events after a colon. Colons are evil...
Welp, that's it! You made it! *cue fanfare* I may be annoying and point out certain errors and the like as you rp... but it's because I like to foster improvement, and because my mom raised me a grammar nazi.