11-23-2011, 05:17 PM
During the past few years, your boundaries between fantasy and reality have become blurred. For some unknown reason, you actually believe the fallacy that you are a genuine, likeable person instead of a pathetic loser with a tendency to create toxic smells. Quick to chastise others for their tardiness you ought to take a look at your own track record. You will discover a brand new species of bacterium on your toothbrush due to your inability to brush your teeth more than once a year. All your clothes smell of beer, and you have absolutely no idea as to why. Avoid public toilets this month. Tip: Eat more sugar.
In two weeks time, you will be forced to go to the emergency room after an incident involving superglue where you accidentally glue your right hand to your left thigh. The doctors will give you knowing glances and refuse to believe your excuses. You will suddenly have the revelation that no-one actually believes a single word you say, even when you're telling the truth, and feel all the better for it. The pigeons are out to get you and will poop on you every time you leave the house this month. Coincidence, you say? Keep on believing that, everyone else knows what's really going on. Today you will be mostly pitied, though those that truly know you will despise your soul with as much passion as they put in to breaking into your house and stealing the batteries out of your remote control.
Take all the worthless designer copies you use as clothing and burn it in a giant bonfire in the center of the city park as an offering to the gods. A ‘trying’ month ahead for you … which should please you no end. Why are you always so ready to pick a fight? Even when the person you are trying to mow down with a Sherman tank agrees with you? You are the definition of the pathetic moron who feels that winning internet fights confers on them some sort of glory, when in fact, the opposite is true. Stop trying to save water by bathing less; you are wilting the plants around you with your foul body odour. Maybe you'd have more friends if you weren't such a thick headed sheep. Warning: Beware the Ides of March.
The term "bull headed stupidity" not only applies to you, but when you look the phrase up in a dictionary, there is a picture of you right next to it. Moths will be your enemy this month and will delight in burning themselves up in kamikaze flights to your light sources and making every lightbulb in your house explode simultaniously. Sometimes, dear Taurus, it is better to go softly into that gentle night rather than roaring around like the proverbial bull in the china shop. Doing so only means that people can hear you coming and therefore take steps to avoid being in your company. Next Tuesday, you will spend all of your money on quack doctors and strange medical treatments. Have a nice month.
Next Monday or Tuesday at noon, your car will be smashed by a rat, a mouse, and a giraffe while you are receiving a parking ticket. You will manage to persuade a suicidal man from jumping from the top of a building as he will realise that he's at least got a less pointless existance than you have. The contents of your fridge are out to get you. Your dual nature often leads to a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder; however the real problem with you is that you are two faced, and both faces are hideously ugly. This is going to be a bad month for you. You will need to start working overtime and live off moldy bread and the table scraps of others so you can provide properly for your descendants' futures. Tip: Avoid pork scratchings.
You are arrogant, selfish and completely oblivious to the feelings of others. You should be ashamed of this, but in fact, you are actually quite proud. You don't get into half as much trouble as your fellow star signs do, but don't get smug just yet. You will go into an emotional decline when you are unable to make an appointment at the hairdressers and your decidedly unglamourous mousy brown roots start to come thru. As a result, you will gorge on chocolate and gain half a stone. To make yourself feel better, you will go and find that Virgo from who you stole a wallet off two months ago and steal their new wallet with their month's money inside. You should feel guilty about this, but being a shallow, vain and heartless individual, you do not. Shame on you.
Sometimes, you choose relationships for unhealthy reasons, such as the adulation the person bestows upon you, rather than mutual affection. This month, it is time to do some housecleaning in your Rolodex and decide if you want the true relationships or merely the acolytes. You should avoid standing still too long, as you tend to take root. You will go to a party in three weeks time and wake up floating in the swimming pool with the rest of the trash. You've encountered many hardships in the last couple of months, and things are starting to seem harder and harder. I'd like to say that things will only get better from now on, but it would only be a lie and would give you false hope. Remember that the leader of every pride will eventually end up alone and eaten alive by hyenas.
A zombie will attack you next Monday; however, after tapping your head with its rotting fingers, will conclude that you have no brain and leave in disgust. You are not even worth biting, as more intellect is needed for being a zombie than you currently possess. Your wallet will be stolen, and you will have no choice but to go dumpster diving in order to get enough food to last out the month. Look at a Libra for ten minutes non-stop and you'll get an unpleasant response. In ten days time, you will be peed on by an otherwise adorable kitten. You are a doormat and unable to stand up for yourself, particularly against Cancers. That's not necessarily a bad thing; statistically, there are not many Virgos on Death Row. And that's a good thing, right? Tip: Choose wisely.
Your overwhelming fake charm will empower you mightily this month. Due to your history of emotional instability, you aren't sure if you should be flattered or frightened. Don't worry. It will have passed by the time you've finally made a decision. This is the month to take stock of yourself. Where do you want to be in twenty years time? Let's face it, you're not getting any younger and unless you want to be the greeter at some Southern Wal-Mart twenty five years from now, you best make a plan. Look on the bright side; at least you're nowhere near as vain as Cancers are. True, you have nothing to be vain about; but try to be positive. Try and get a life; your mother isn't going to wash your dirty socks and cook your meals forever, you know. You will not survive long in the real world with just wardrobes packed full of designer clothing.
Although you personally are convinced you are funny, erudite and wittier than Oscar Wilde, everyone else just thinks you are an irritating drunkard with as much personality as a used teabag. Try being nice instead of sarcastic. You might be surprised; people might ask you back. You are going to be shot and live through the pain. You secretly do horrible things to small animals. You should avoid used car salesmen this month. You should also be careful to not eat anything that is blue. In two weeks time, aliens will abduct you, probe you, then come to the conclusion that there is no intelligent life at all on this planet and that they should avoid it in future. For the rest of the month, you will continue on in your meaningless existence. Pro-tip: Beware of the gerbils.
You are ornery, thick skulled and have a horse's rear which is, in fact, prettier than your face. You really ought to listen to advice, but you seldom do and then whine about the consequences. You can't expect to be negative and disparaging all the time and not expect the people you love to become increasingly suspicious of your original charm. Let them know, really, all you need is some extra hugs and unconditional love this month. You are driven by an irritating desire to be right all the time, which in turn makes people want to smack you. You nurture a secret desire to be on X-Factor, but let's face it, you're no oil painting and your singing makes people's ears bleed. Warning: Do not eat anything that's past its sell by date, no matter how tempting.
Your malevolent side needs to stay hidden this month; you don't want to do any favours to that FBI agent who's been tailing you. Do not eat the yellow snow. It's time to start focusing on your real job and start taking it seriously. Start this endeavor by showing up on time, clean and well groomed. If that's too difficult for you, then at least brush your hair and shower to remove the smell of goats which hangs around you continuously. You will attempt to make sense of life, give up, and head to the mall instead. It's really difficult to execute a practical joke at your age without ticking someone off. You are not in junior high any more. Recording these jokes for display on the internet does not endear you to anyone, either. Am I making myself quite clear on this? Don't go away mad, just go away.