09-25-2011, 04:56 PM
Welcome the chance to learn about getting even. Think up your best, most well thought out and gruesome revenge and visit it on that girl who made fun of you in high school. By the way, all those people at the park wearing shades and earbuds are actually CIA agents watching you. Try not to act suspiciously around them. Your so-called friends will be disappointed with your glazed ham. You will respond by shutting yourself in your room, putting on a tinfoil hat and listening to depressing music turned up full blast. Warning: Beware of oddly shaped clouds.
Sometimes doing things for the sake of others is a good thing. You're always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. You are as wet as a haddock's bathing costume, and you smell like one, too. You are so gullible that you believe that people love you, despite the fact that the reverse is true and people are in fact plotting your doom. Cigarette lighters will bring you good luck, but only ones coloured orange. Indeed, you are distinguished for what you know, but everything you know is wrong. You are unaware of most things, including the fact that you are ugly and have a weird shaped head.
You will be accused of being an alcoholic sometime in the next month. This is not true, but only cuz you don't attend meetings. What you are in fact, is a drunk and your pockets smell of vinegar. Your much vaunted creativity and enthusiasm will be wasted in a series of uninspiring dead-end jobs. You have exactly two days, six hours, and thirty nine minutes until a life changing event happens in your life. You have OCD and will waste several hours of your life arranging your makeup in alphabetical order. You are boring to be with and people have been known to gnaw their own legs off just to escape your company. Pro-tip: Eat more cheese.
After getting hit by a comet and surviving as a vegetable, you will develop amnesia and will inevitably end up sleeping with your most recent ex. This will result in you and your ex's new love having an undignified catfight in the street while passing strangers make bets on the eventual winner. You will be that winner, but only cuz you fight dirty. You can prevent a horrible event happening in the world if you immediately take steps to prevent it by doing the following; singing "My Way" at a sporting event and wearing your underwear inside out. In two weeks time, you will develop an allergy to golden syrup.
You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. You will find out tomorrow that all your best clothes are inexplicably covered in English mustard. Bees will attack you in Panzer formation tomorrow, so avoid going outside. You will eventually develop a secondary personality that hates you, and you will have a crying fit when you realise that people actually prefer them to you. You dress like a prostitute and wear horrible cheap perfume, which will eventually burn holes in all your clothes that do not already have mustard all over. Tip: Take up boxing.
There is nothing about you that I can say that hasn't been already said countless times by everyone you know. If you could afford it, you would cover your entire house in mirrors and gaze at yourself all day. You are selfish, arrogant and like to kick babies. There is a very good chance in the future that you will end up becoming a serial killer. You yearn for the nuclear destruction of the planet due to the knowledge that, just like the co'ckroaches, you will survive intact when everyone else either dies or becomes horribly mutated. When this happens, your vanity will reach supersonic levels and blast into the stratosphere. Warning: Avoid wearing the colour blue.
You are sensitive because you cry a lot and creative when you lie a lot. You are not only dull yourself, but you're the cause of dullness in others. You are only just smarter than a donkey, and then only cuz you are able to speak rather than just bray. Your family is inbred and you lack confidence and are generally a coward. People find you fascinating because you're so ugly; they stare at you in fascination. Cancers love to have you as a friend; your lack of any charm at all makes them feel so much better. All colours are unlucky for you today, so you should perhaps walk around with your eyes closed all day.
Do not, under any circumstances, tell your best friend about your alien experience or the aliens will return and remove the remaining portions of your brain. Do NOT, under any conditions, use the remaining toothpaste in your medicine cabinet. You know what happened last time. Your neighbours are plotting to kill you and take your meagre possessions. Sleep with one eye open, that’s all I’m saying. The bushes are out to get you. Other than that a full month of love awaits you with romantic evenings watching paint dry and creaky floorboards made for two. Pro-tip: Natural fibres are very bad for you this month, so wear nylon from head to toe.
People think you are stupid. Warning: You must avoid talking to anyone named Clare for the next twenty days. While taking a shower tomorrow, all of your clothes and window blinds will be mysteriously stolen. A bunch of kids will daub swastikas on your front door, but you will like them so much that you will refuse to wash them off. You dislike honest criticism. A ‘trying’ month ahead for you … which should please you no end. There is a small hole in the bottom of your head. Your brains are starting to leak out and you are losing your mind quickly. You will burn your dinner every single day this week but Thursday.
No backstabber, you. You're such a good friend, that you only stab friends in the front. You are left with a lump in your stomach after a steak dinner. Your strange attraction to anime will fail to score you a mate. You are currently just dreaming. Time keeping has never been your strong point has it? You consider yourself to be a good friend. Others think you are a lunatic. Your great great aunt is out to get you. Your breath stinks. Stay away from an Irish woman named Mary. You smell of rotten meat, and dogs will follow you around for days til it occurs to you why.
Whenever you sit on a park bench, strangers give you money cuz they assume that you are a tramp. Your feet are a strange shape and you fear that they are turning into hooves. Potato pancakes will bring you luck, but only if they are homemade. You're feeling stressed out; that's a given. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. On Friday, you will be struck with William Shatner-itis and will from then on speak only in sentence fragments. Wednesday before you get up, your car will be hit by a giant blob of motor oil that will suddenly fall out of the sky. Jehovah's Witnesses will knock on your front door over seventy six times this week. Tip: Drink more tea.
You become consumed with the categorical imperative to eat the brains of the innocent, which oddly enough is a moral action that can be universalized. Your perfect job is that of a goat psychiatrist. Marrows will be bad luck for you, as will cottage cheese. Apparently you are unemotional, detached and yet humanitarian. How does that work? Everyone around you hates you. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. On Tuesday, you will be attacked by four stray cats and scratched several times and bitten once. You will then have to go to the hospital to receive a rabies injection in your bottom. On your marks, get set, go away!