07-23-2011, 06:37 PM
Horoscopes by Miranda
Apparently there's no business like showbusiness, at least according to the song. You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends, who like to get together to plot your doom. Dogs love you, but only when they hump your leg. Don't do something stupid like the last time; try to control your temper, and perhaps things will turn out better than you expect them to. When Mars aligns with Venus, you will die. Everyone will attend your funeral to make sure that you're really dead and not just pretending you are to garner attention.
On Monday next week your day will go from crap to total crap. You will get sworn at and have a dead rat thrown at your head by a crazy bag lady. The next day, you will hug a puppy and catch fleas. Your sign suits you cuz you are a wet fish and your skin is like scales. When people look into your eyes, they get the feeling someone else is driving. You have the rare ability to sneeze with your eyes open; there is no danger that your brain will fall out when you do this, cuz you don't have one. Your lucky food is cheese. Pro-tip: Mind the gap.
Do NOT, under any conditions, use the remaining toothpaste in your medicine cabinet. Quick to chastise others for their tardiness, you ought to take a look at your own track record. You are like fresh mountain spring water: cold, transparent, and tasteless. You are a sheep and follow others blindly; this will one day next week result in you walking straight into a lamp post and breaking your nose. Don't worry; this can only be an improvement to your looks. You will attempt to sing kareoke on Saturday night and get bottled off the stage as your voice is reminicient of cats screeching on the fence.
People think you are stupid. This is being overly generous to you; your head, rather than being filled with brains, instead contains a handful of sawdust, some cobwebs and a few dead flies. Your identity will be stolen in the next seven days. The identity thief will quickly realize that your identity is so miserable that he will immediately return it to you. You have the power of conversation but not of speech. You like to gaze off into the distance due to the fond imagining that it makes you look as tho you are writing poetry in your head. In actual fact, it makes you look as tho you are experiencing braindeath.
Admit the truth in what you do and you won't lose that close friend you are unconsciously hurting. After all, someone as two-faced as yourself needs all the friends you can get. When people attempt to reach your mind, they can never find it. You sometimes find it difficult to put one foot in front of the other and occasionally have the suspicion that you are in actual fact walking backwards. Potatoes are unlucky for you. Do you split the month up between soup kitchens and playgrounds or is it more of a Jekyll and Hyde thing? Tip: Wash your hair; there's enough oil there to drown seagulls in.
You are obsessed with perfection. However, the only thing you are perfect at is being a self obsessed bit'ch. You are more of a disaster zone than Chernobyl. You are fantastic in bed this month but your personality more than counteracts this. When you feel that constant mirror gazing becomes boring, you like to go out and steal people's wallets, particularly the wallets of Virgos. Be sure to acknowledge the existence of certain loved ones, before they get hurt by your oblivion. You are vain and have an extremely unpleasant habit of pointing out the faults of others. Puddles are nowhere near as shallow as you are.
Your symbol is the lion, however you are more of an alley cat. Consider yourself lucky - a jail cell is better than a park bench. It's said that little things affect little minds. You have nothing to worry about because you have no mind. Chances are that you'll do nothing of any merit this week. You are inclined to be careless and impractical, which causes you to make the same mistake over and over again. However, you are unlikely to learn from this due to your lack of any intellect whatsoever. The trees are out to get you. Warning: Beware of the dog.
Your wallet will be stolen on every Friday of this month. You will suspect the wrong person and get beaten to a pulp for your pains, while the real culprit just stands on the sidelines and laughs at you. Your mind is like a soggy rag. Peanuts are unlucky for you, as is the colour green. You will be kicked by a horse next week. Luck carries vaseline. Tomorrow night, you will have a sudden inspiration to start a new business selling liberally-biased stories to the news media. The rumor that Virgos are virgins is true. However, you are far from pure. You have a dirty secret that will be a secret no longer by the end of the month.
You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you lack talent. Take care of yourself in all that you do, because you are going to need extra support in the time to come. Your life will be miserable this month, and you will feel as tho you do not have a friend in the world. While this is true, you can comfort yourself with the thought that at least you are safe from being backstabbed by false friends. Perhaps this month we should focus on your other qualities and interests. You are a fascist and you are obsessed with shopping. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all...
Your good business mind will make you a great crack dealer. You're also proof that God doesn't exist, otherwise he would have killed you by now. You are an arrogant jerk and one day, you will finally get what's coming to you. Your great great grandchildren will come back from the future and visit you on Tuesday or Thursday. Make sure you stay home all day so you do not miss them. An army of soldier ants will invade your home at the end of next week, so you will be forced to move out of your house and sleep in the garden til they have gone. This week you will find out that you are the product of the furtive imagination of a bath sponge.
Remember, all glory is fleeting. Beware the Ides of March. You will be involved in a disastrous incident involving falling. A Canadian will stand next to you on a train and repeatedly poke you with a pencil til you get off at the wrong stop and lose yourself completely. The stars are not aligned for you. The tea leaves in the bottom of your cup do not bode well for you. You will be driving down the road and swerve to avoid hitting a rabbit, and will subsequently hit a tree. The squirrels are out to get you. Welfare is not a job. Am I making myself clear on this? Practice makes perfect, cept in your case. Pro-tip: Avoid applesauce and alliteration.
You have a face that people always remember, even though they try hard to forget. You are known as the goat due to the fact that you are ugly, stubborn and smelly. Your birth certificate will expire in six days. The computer systems at your work will crash the following day because they will be unable to handle your expired birth certificate. So you've made a few mistakes, and now you're stuck with the consequences. You should never have stuck your fingers up at that guy who cut you up in traffic the other day. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. You remind people of a dog that gets its head stuck in a bucket. Warning: Stay inside during adverse weather conditions.
Last edited by Elanorea : 07-23-2011 at 08:02 PM.