Quote:
Originally Posted by Paradise_Lost17
I'm not exactly a newbie at Roleplaying, but my characters are still mostly in need of an upgrade. I've run a few roleplays on other sites but most of those sites [u]don't]/u] care if you have a Mary Sue or Gary Stue.
Full Name: Lauren Alina Ashcroft
Name or nickname they like to be called by: Laurie
House Desired (Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Gryffindor): Slytherin
Gender: Female
Age: 11
Appearance: Brunette hair that falls to her middle back and curls into ringlets towards the tips. Her bangs are cut straight across her forehead, covering a little bit of her eyes, which are a foggy blue color. She wears a pair of glasses because of her poor eyesight, and is nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, she is normal in every aspect except for her personality, which is a bit more arrogant and flaunt-like than her parents raised her to be.
Personality: Lauren is arrogant, sarcastic, and very rude. It is on rare occasion that you will get a good word or kind response from her. Though she isn't all that bad on the inside she certainly is on the outside. Her friends rarely say bad things about her, considering that when you're a friend of hers you won't ever be a victim to her insults. Sometimes she can be kind and doesn't normally discriminate against blood purity unless provoked to do so. Understandably, she has very little friends in the Muggle world, and is known as being someone who isn't very popular or the most exciting person in the world. Mostly she is known to hang on the fringes of social events, but is a whiz when it comes to her studies.
Class (as in Pure Blood, Half Blood, or Muggleborn): Pureblood
Strengths (as in subjects and non-subjects): Defense against the dark arts, potions, and charms. She is very smart and has a tendency to stand up for herself.
Weaknesses (as in subjects and non-subjects): Transfigurations, she just cant seem to understand why she needs this subject.She is simply a selfish and rude child with no manners, she is deathly afraid of lightening and spiders, and her main weakness is her inability to think before she speaks.
Intro:
Lauren stood patiently with her arms crossed, eyes flickering back and forth from each student, examining and criticizing them before she even knew them. She had been so caught up in this act of rudeness that she barely heard her name being called over the roar of her own thoughts.
(New paragraph)"Lauren Ashcroft," the old hag at the front called. She uncrossed her arms and walked over to the hat, not even sparing a glance backwards despite the jittery feelings floating throughout her. She pleaded with the hat to put her somewhere that suited her. "Hurry up!" she thought fiercely to the hat, hating how slow it was taking to call out her House, which made the hat seem to take even longer.
(New paragraph) "Patience my dear, I see that you are very smart and have great potential, though you are impatient and flaunt your arrogance about like you're already a prodigy...." From there the hat paused, giving Lauren a thousand jittery feelings as she wondered where she would be. "Slytherin!" the hat boomed loudly.
Lauren smiled as she took her place at the Slytherin table, happy with the hat's choice for a House.
|
Not the worst intro I've seen by far. However, your character is all fault and no positives, which in itself can turn into a type of Sue; B*tchiwitch. Th B*tchiwitch Sue is a Sue that is nasty of temper to everyone all the time, yet somehow gets away with it and is surrounded by loyal friends.
In real life, people who are downright nasty and/or snobbish have friends who are just as rude and likely to backstab each other frequently, especially at the teenage level. I've seen it with someone I know quite often. Thus, I'd advise you to give your character a few positive traits.
Also, your character very clearly follows stereotypes about Slytherins; Slytherins are technically supposed to be cunning and ambitious, which does not necessarily mean they're all 'bad guy' types; bully-type characters could just as easily fit into Gryffindor, as the 'bravery' of Gryffindors could be twisted into meaning they're loud and obnoxious.
As a last note, do you have Microsoft Word or some other program like it that does spell check? While your grammar and spelling isn't quite cringe-worthy, it is certainly distracting. A few typos here and here can be over-looked, but spellcheck goes a long way toward fixing your mistakes. It won't, however, fix confusion between 'your' (possessive form) and you're (contraction made of 'you are'). Therefore, making sure to always learn the difference between the two.
I'm sure you've noticed that I quoted your original post; in it, I have underlined all the spelling/grammar mistakes from your draft and corrected them here in my quoted version. Could you please compare the two? If there's a correction you didn't understand, please let me know. ^^ Also, for a character form, it makes it easier to look at if you bolden and/or underline the parts before the colon (
. Example:
Name: Kelley O'Brian
Thank you for your time and patience; I look forward to seeing your pst again.