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Elanorea (Offline)
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Zodiac Sign: Cancer
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Default 05-22-2011, 08:00 PM

Horoscopes by Miranda!
Aquarius
This Saturday, you will meet a tall dark strangler in the darkness behind your local pub. You will escape by the skin of your teeth, but never mind, you look good in polo necks in any case. You decide to introduce your coworkers to the two sock puppets you keep in your desk and explain that they should get some of the credit for your efforts as they are involved in most key decisions. By the way, that's a really, really bad idea. The bad smell in your house is caused by rotten apples behind your radiator. Tip: Avoid low flying geese and don't forget to sharpen all your pencils.

Pisces
All those people at the park wearing shades and earbuds are actually CIA agents watching you. Try not to act suspicious if you can possibly help it. This month, you will step in dog poo every single Wednesday, at seven pm. Your skills as a convincing and interesting speaker could be called upon this week as your mate will need an alibi for an attempted murder. She's probably guilty, but beware; drop her in it, and she could well reveal that embarrassing secret that you have striven to keep out of the papers for years.

Aries
You haven't an enemy in the world, but all your friends hate you. Watch out for killer turtles in shallow puddles. They are not a metaphor for your backstabbing friends, but they will bite your toes off. You will have an argument with a member of your family in two week's time. Don't do something stupid like the last time; try to control your temper, and perhaps things will turn out better than you expect them to. On the other hand, you might just end up lying on the floor with a cat sitting on your face and the family dog chewing your feet. Life is full of surprises. Pro-tip: Beware of peanuts.

Taurus
Your ignorance covers the world like a well made blanket; there's not a hole in it to be found. If you were any slower, you'd be going backwards. Due to a witty and extremely cruel insult bestowed upon you by a bystander, you become depressed and go on an all night cooking rampage. Your lack of ability to hear what people around you are saying will cause your uncle to commit you to an insane asylum. You will never amount to anything and it's hopeless even trying. Advice: Consider becoming a pagan.

Gemini
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends, who like to get their own back by spreading rumours about you. You are two faced and have a huge double chin. The reason why you have a unique personality is because it's split. You are not very nice; however, if someone told you this to your face, you would be hurt and upset. While taking a shower tomorrow, all of your clothes and window blinds will be mysteriously stolen and your towels tied to the nearest tree.

Cancer
Stop over-analysing everything and planning every single little thing you do to the last detail. For once, I want you to ditch your carefully worked out plans and do something rash and very spur of the moment so as to not be as boring as you normally are. You have the alcohol capacity of Oliver Reed and the empathy of a Great White. Your face may be pretty but your personality is very ugly indeed. You are arrogant and would spend the whole of every day looking in the mirror if you only could. Tip: Avoid eating anything blue.

Leo
Life is full of ups and downs and the only thing you can do is hold on tight and scream for help. People laugh at you a great deal. Since you didn't have a lot of brains to begin with, you must take action immediately by standing on your head until a doctor can figure out what the problem is. All colours are unlucky for you today, so it is advised that you walk around with your eyes closed at all times. The only reason you're alive is because it is illegal to shoot people. Pro-tip: Mind the donkey!

Virgo
You become consumed with the categorical imperative to eat the brains of the innocent, which oddly enough is a moral action that can be universalized. You're as good as your word, but your word is no good. Most people take one look at you and then have to struggle with the overwhelming impulse to pour lighter fluid over you and set you on fire for the good of mankind. The only reason you're still around today is cuz you have the ability to run fast. Paranoia has often gotten the better of you, in the past, but the past is exactly what it says it is: In the past.

Libra
Your breath stinks. Everything you eat or drink today will be impregnated with tiny lead particles. Your strange attraction to Pokémon will fail to score you a mate. Convert all of your money to cash and offer it to the gods by burning it in a giant bonfire in the center of the city park. The good news is... wait, there isn't any good news. Your life is in ruins. You're feeling stressed out; that's a given. You lack confidence and are generally a coward; you are also a communist. Beware of the headless horseman.

Scorpio
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. When you were in line to be given a brain, you thought you were waiting for a drain, and said that you weren't interested. You're like a cork*****; twisted, cold, and sharp. A lot of Scorpios end up committing murder. They always get caught, due to the pathetic lack of intellect that Scorpios all have in common. You figure that you can put off washing your clothes for one more week. You will attempt to save money by burning junk mail to keep warm, instead of turning on your central heating.

Sagittarius
You have a horse's ar'se. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you lack talent. We know you will not heed this warning, so after you have used the toothpaste, go immediately to your nearest emergency room and explain what has happened. Do you know just how irritating you are to others? What you don't know can't hurt you. That's why you've never been hurt. Warning: You must avoid talking to anyone named Jane for the next twenty five days. Otherwise, the worst thing that you have ever wished on a friend will happen to you.

Capricorn
Sometime around 6:00pm your face will start to itch. Do NOT scratch. Go immediately to your doctor, who will diagnose you with a rare disorder called scratchalis. You discover that no one really likes you A LOT and it's only just so-so. Bread will bring you good luck. You may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. You really are an idiot. People find you as interesting as watching a dog walking on two legs. It's not done well but they are surprised to see it done at all. Advice: Best thing you can do this month is keep your head down and play dead.



Last edited by Elanorea : 05-22-2011 at 08:26 PM.
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