10-20-2009, 06:35 PM
Speaking of suicide being selfish... up until a little while ago, attempting to commit suicide was a CRIME in Canada. So, if you were successful, you were dead, and if you were unsuccessful... you went to jail. o_o
Since I'm bipolar, I often have bad days. Yesterday... was a bad day. Sometimes I do tend to think suicidal, but I'd never do that. I usually manage to stop myself before doing anything to drastic. Sometimes I don't even want to kill myself, I just want to make the pain go away for a little while - like, if something bad is going on in my life and I don't want to think about it anymore. Like one time, I grabbed an empty wine bottle, and nearly smashed it over my head, but I managed to take a couple deep breaths, and put the bottle down. I haven't actually seriously attempted it, but sometimes I do get awfully close. I almost hung myself once, but the knot - luckily - wasn't tight enough to hold my weight, so I just fell on the floor and sat there thinking about why I was trying to do this to myself, and the effect it would have on my family and friends. Of course, usually, I tend to think that no one loves me when I'm having a bad day, so sometimes convincing myself is hard.
I just can't bring myself to go through with anything like that, because I get too scared. I don't like pain, which is why I never understood self-harm. I did cut myself before, but I could never do it too deep, because I was just afraid of the pain.
Mental illnesses run in my family. I tend to get through the bad days by listening to music (or singing), or talking to myself (shut up, it works. xD), or talking to a close friend. I don't even generally have to mention that I'm thinking these thoughts, because talking to friends makes me realize that somebody does care about me, and I think how they would feel if I was suddenly dead.