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Miranda_ (Offline)
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Default 08-24-2009, 07:04 AM

First of all, why does she have to be half Japanese? It's not really necessary and is something that Suethors do a lot to try to make their Sue appear more interesting.

Second, your strengths and weaknesses contradict each other. If she has lots of friends, then how can she be shy? It doesn't make any sense. Plus you need to have at least three personality weaknesses, and a couple of believable strengths.

Third, that is not a bio. A bio is telling the story of the character and how they got into this situation, not simply a repetition of their profile. It also has to be believable, and not too dramatic.

Finally, that is not an opening paragraph, that is a sentence. Your opening paragraph needs to be a lot bigger than that, and to tell us a lot more. Also, this RP is not in first person, but in third person; ie, he said/she said. You can't just post as first when everyone else is in third.

Please make a new post to fix these things; don't edit your first post as we need to see how much you have improved.

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