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Miranda_ (Offline)
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Default 04-10-2009, 03:54 PM

Good for a first try, cept for the following things.

1. First of all, this just screams "Mary Sue".
She has a very good way of calming people down as she is very relaxing and her voice is soothing.
No-one is that good in real life; in fact, people who often try to calm people who are angry with "soothing" voices just succeed in making the people angrier. Please edit it out as Mary Sues often have powers of this kind and it's just not realistic.

2. You need a lot more to your bio than you've given out. You've given no information about Maria at all; what are her hopes and dreams? Does she have any friends? What about her father? Also, as a child of fifteen, she couldn't apply for a school. Her parents would have to do that; at fifteen, you are legally a child and couldn't do this.

3. Your weaknesses don't come up to scratch. First of all, "gets very tired" is NOT a weakness. These are character flaws; getting tired is not one. Second, "self conscious" and "shy" are the same, pretty much. So you basically just have one weakness, which will not do. You need to have actual faults and flaws; instead of "gets very tired" you could have "lazy". You also need to pick something that could hurt your character; like being spiteful or selfish. We all have negative flaws; not having your character have them makes your character a Mary Sue.

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