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Miranda_ (Offline)
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Default 04-08-2009, 02:54 PM

Good for a first try, but you need to fix the following.

1. You have not really explained the weaknesses properly; I'm not too taken with "tempermental" or "smart-aleck" as weaknesses cuz they seem to me like a cop out. In any case, they're much the same. You need to pick ones that could actually hamper or hurt the character, for example, like being boastful or being lazy.

2. Those strengths you listed are not really strengths; only "smart" passes muster, if you mean that she's clever. Do NOT, not ever, list "pretty" as a strength; only Mary Sues see appearence as being a strength; same goes for "has lots of friends". Instead, have something like "is friendly/makes friends easily" and lose the "pretty" right away. Choose something like "hard worker/determined" for example instead.

3. Your Bio is pretty Sue-ish; not only does it tell us absolutely nothing about the character, it's pretty bland. You need to tell us about your character's background, her good and bad points, and her life up to now. Who is her ex and why is she escaping him? What did her parents do to be deemed overprotective? Also, lose the picture; in RP a picture is not worth a hundred words and really isn't needed. We don't need to know what she looks like at all, bar a brief description; what we need to know is what her personality and behaviour is like.

4. You have no opening paragraph. Please read Hayley's instruction above.


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