It’s sad to me how many girls are just learning about themselves but then modify who they are to suit what they think a boy wants them to be. For example, I have a friend who is outgoing and fun. She is athletic and incredibly smart. Yet when she was in the eighth grade, she suddenly started failing classes and quit playing some of her favorite sports. It took awhile, but when I finally got the truth out of her it turns out she was changing because of her boyfriend.
As it turns out, her making good grades in school and making the top teams was making him feel a bit inadequate. Her being smart made him feel dumb. Obviously the solution was for her to “dummy down” a bit to make him feel better. The worst part of all? If you’d asked him he would never have told her to do it. She did it because she wanted to. And I’ll readily admit that I’m still confused by the whole thing.
Who gives up part of themselves and their future willingly to boost someone else’s self esteem?
Now, I absolutely get it about making a noble sacrifice or giving up your time to help someone else. But why didn’t my friend just give up some time to tutor him or help him find a sport that he enjoys? I’ll never know, but I can guess.
She didn’t have the confidence to stay true to herself.
It takes some serious determination to stay true to your own nature and to know yourself. It’s for this reason that I particularly hate that “romantic” line in Jerry Maguire, “You complete me.”
In a truly healthy relationship, there is no need to complete the other person. To say someone completes you is to stay that you have something missing. Anyone who goes looking for a significant other to fill that need isn’t really ready to have a meaningful relationship.
If you want to really find love and have a great time with someone, concentrate on yourself first. Are you happy being you? If you have some things you’d like to do or work on, pay attention to those first. For example, if you’re self conscious about your weight, work on losing a few pounds or build up your confidence in how great you look with some new clothing or a great new hairstyle. When you look and feel good in your own skin, you’re ready to start looking for someone else.
Don’t forget, of course, that being fulfilled internally doesn’t just mean feeling pretty. If you have some issues from past relationships such as a fear of being left or difficulties with closeness, try and work through those with a close friend or a counselor without the pressure of a relationship. Getting involved in something big before you’re ready can be devastating for both of you.
Make sure all of the pieces of you are present and accounted for before seeking love. Otherwise you might give up more of yourself than you ever wanted to.